DOI issue:
June 25, 1887
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17657#0319
June 25, 1887.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
313
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
Souse of Commons, Monday Night, June 13.—When new office
created for Eing-Harman in connection with Irish Government,
everybody wanted to know Why ? Nobody answered. Now secret
out. Eing-Haeman made Parliamentary Secretary to Irish Govern-
ment in order that he might deliver the perfectly delicious answer
about ambulatory crowbar which convulsed House to-night.
"Is it true," Conybeabe asked, "that at
the Bodyke Evictions a bailiff threw a crowbar
through a wall ? "
".No, Sir," said Elng-Harman, drawing
himself up to full height, and Bteadily con-
fronting querist, " nosuchoccurrencehappened.
What is true is, that on one occasion a crowbar
slipped from the bailiff's hand, and entered
the house through an aperture in the wall."
Shouts of laughter, amid which Eing-Harman
stood immovable. When uproar partially sub-
sided, he added, " It was purely accidental,
and did not occur a second time." Disposition
on part of Irish Members to resent Arthur
Balfour's practice of leaving questions to be
answered by his subordinate. Jf Eing-Hajb-
man can go on this way, there will be no
further question of the arrangement.
More pegging away at Coercion Bill in Com-
mittee. Settled that at Ten o'Clock on Friday,
whatever Amendments to whatever num-
ber of Clauses remain unsettled shall be
run through forthwith, and Committee
stage accomplished. That being so, Bar-
tley, who looks in on his way home after
having founded another Penny Bank,
wants to know what's the use of wasting
gs=> time ? Tim Healt, who has discovered
'ssS. ^^r^ in facial aspect of the Member for Isling-
" Put a penny in, and the ^on resemblance to one of those automatic
figure will move." figures which moves when a penny is
inserted in the open mouth, tells him to
go away and mind his own business. As for Irish Members, they
intend to ignore Besolution of Saturday morning. Will discuss
Clauses line by line and word by word as before. _ H on Friday
Government like to rush through without discussion any Clauses
that may remain, the consequence be on their head. Penny Bank
Bartley is conjured to "put that in his pipe and smoke it;"
which he, metaphorically, does, and goes his way.
John Manners back to-night, after a bout of illness. House
delighted to see him. Cheer enthusiastically when he rises, blush-
ing, to answer question. House justly proud
of the picturesque old man, almost last sur-
viving link with Young England days.
Business done.—Coercion Bill in Committee.
Tuesday.—Shadow of the coming Jubilee
lies heavy on House. Various questions
discussed; but Jubilee always reasserts it-
self. Many questions about Grand Stand in
Parliament Square. Seats not to be reserved
and numbered, it appears. Geobge Camp-
bell sternly asks, Are we to understand
that Ladies are to scramble for their places ? "
" I hope," said that preux chevalier,
Plunket, with a pained look,'at the enormity
of the suggestion, " that Ladies do not
scramble."
Clear through the grating in
the cage over the Press Gallery,
came ^he whisper, "What a
nice man!"
Gardner wanted to know
how long the streets would be
kept open for Members' car-
riages, and Alderman Fowler,
twice Lord Mayor of London,
posed Pltjnket with inquiry as
to what was to be done with
Members' carriages when they
had arrived and set down their
fare ? John Dillon gave new
" Smiles audibly." turn to conversation by sug-
tvn ThVi -r. gearing that House should sit
"aJUDuee Unj; at which'suggestion Wintebbotham, Q.C., with a
roae in his button-hole, audibly smiled.
At last House resumed Committee on Coercion Bill, the movement
being signal for general Exodus. Almost alone Gladstone sat on
Front Bench with Bill in one hand and copy of Amendments in other,
eagerly comparing them. Everyone else, not excluding the indomi-
table Tim, wearied with the worn-out theme. Leaders of the
Government abdicated, leaving Treasury Bench in possession of
Irish Attoenet-Geneeal, Soliciiob-Genebal, and Chief Secbe-
taet. Even John Morley, most assiduous attendant upon House,
had given himself rest. The Irish Camp half empty, and the
Benches opposite tenantless. And here was Gladstone, leaning
forward, with elbows on knees, Bill in one hand, and Amendments
in the other, as eagerly scanning them as if he had but just dis-
covered this new fount of delight. Abthub Balfour looked across
the table at him with perceptible increase of interest.
"What on earth can he find interesting in the beastly Bill?"
he muttered, and, settling himself forward another inch, went to
sleep.
" Curious thing," says Wilfrid Lawson, " how Irish Secretary-
ship diversely affects different men. It ruined Forsteb's health and
temper; it turned Treveltan's hair grey ; it gave an added tone of
placidity to Campbell-Bannerman's imperturbability; and it
makes Arthur Balfour sit more and more recklessly on his spine.
Fancy, before Bill is reported, he '11 have accomplished his heart's
desire, and be able to sit upon the blades of his shoulders."
Business done.—Very little. No prospect of more pending com-
pulsory conclusion of Committee Stage on Friday. All owing to the
Jubilee. So, till Jubilee is over, shall move my own Adjournment.
"Shades of Evening."—" What to do with your hands," is
always a difficulty for amateurs, for debutants in Society, and for
nervous persons. If anyone would learn what to do with his hands,
let him call in one evening at the Pavilion and see Professor Trewey
(he used to exhibit at the Alhambra) make a " galanty show," out
of his two hands. Wonderful and immensely amusing, especially on
a hot evening, which is warm in the well-ventilated Pavilion. It is
well worth seeing, and anyone visiting the place will find our words
verified, we mean Trewey-fied.
ROJ3EBT ON THE JUBILEE.
Well, all I can say is, if we 're to have many more Jewbillys such
as this here one during the nex year or two, they will have to get a
rayther younger Head Waiter than me to look after matters, so as
to keep 'em strate. With all my long xperience, I never know'd
sitch a time for eating and drinking and speechifying. First it's a
grand lunch, hot and hurley, at a Livery Company's All; then
it's sitch a dinner as few people as ewer had the chance of heating,
at the Grand Metropoll; and then a Ball and supper for a few
thousand gesteses, at which they all eats and drinks as if they had.
nothink to speak of all day ! Thems wot had occurd, and will occur
again has on Thurssday nex; and as we has to prepare for about
five thousand wisiters to a Ball at Gildhall, and sitch a supper as
nobody carnt give except the honerd Copperashun, at what time can
I reasonably expec to reach my downy and wirtuous couch ? And
ewen that isn't all, for my old friends the Jiners has fixt on the
werry next day for a heckscursion, on bord the "Maria Wood"
City Barge, and of course they insists on having me as ushal,
coz I knows their little ways, and the partickler brands of Shampane
as they likes. Well, if sum of us tumbles asleep, and falls over-
board, and is drownded in the foaming billers off Monkey Hand, all
Lean say is, it won't be suicide, but oyerdun dooty.
' Of all the warious ways of sillybrating a Jewbilly as I've herd on
up to now, I thinks as the Livery Company's is about the best.
They not only asks lots of people to cum to dinner, and gives lots of
money to their Poor, but they presents theirselves with bootiful reel
Gold deckorations to show their loyalty to the Queen iu a senserble
sort of way. One company has given theirselves all butifool gold
pencil-cases, another has given theirselves butifool gold deckorations
to wear in their coats on Sherrymonial occasions, and then has a
grand Lady's party on purpos to show 'em off; wile a third has given
theirselves, ewery one of 'em, butiful gold five-pound pieces as has
just been made in the Mint. Ah, that's what I calls common sense,
and.no nonsense; for wen it'sail over, and the luminations have all
been put out, and the fireworks all gorn off, and the werry last grand
dinner eaten and thoroly digested, and paid for, they will still have
sumthmk left, of that loveliest of all colours, pure gold of 15 carrots,
to keep the Jewbilly m their fond remembrance.
I shood think if there 'a one class of peeple more than another, who
ought to cash up pretty hansum for all the warious ways as kind
trends suggests for sillybrating the Jewbilly, it's the Doctors, for I
rnyther thinksas they'11 be having a high time of it, both at the
West End and in the City, for the nex munth or so. What we jolly
waiters calls the Livery complaint, will be pretty nearly universal.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
313
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
Souse of Commons, Monday Night, June 13.—When new office
created for Eing-Harman in connection with Irish Government,
everybody wanted to know Why ? Nobody answered. Now secret
out. Eing-Haeman made Parliamentary Secretary to Irish Govern-
ment in order that he might deliver the perfectly delicious answer
about ambulatory crowbar which convulsed House to-night.
"Is it true," Conybeabe asked, "that at
the Bodyke Evictions a bailiff threw a crowbar
through a wall ? "
".No, Sir," said Elng-Harman, drawing
himself up to full height, and Bteadily con-
fronting querist, " nosuchoccurrencehappened.
What is true is, that on one occasion a crowbar
slipped from the bailiff's hand, and entered
the house through an aperture in the wall."
Shouts of laughter, amid which Eing-Harman
stood immovable. When uproar partially sub-
sided, he added, " It was purely accidental,
and did not occur a second time." Disposition
on part of Irish Members to resent Arthur
Balfour's practice of leaving questions to be
answered by his subordinate. Jf Eing-Hajb-
man can go on this way, there will be no
further question of the arrangement.
More pegging away at Coercion Bill in Com-
mittee. Settled that at Ten o'Clock on Friday,
whatever Amendments to whatever num-
ber of Clauses remain unsettled shall be
run through forthwith, and Committee
stage accomplished. That being so, Bar-
tley, who looks in on his way home after
having founded another Penny Bank,
wants to know what's the use of wasting
gs=> time ? Tim Healt, who has discovered
'ssS. ^^r^ in facial aspect of the Member for Isling-
" Put a penny in, and the ^on resemblance to one of those automatic
figure will move." figures which moves when a penny is
inserted in the open mouth, tells him to
go away and mind his own business. As for Irish Members, they
intend to ignore Besolution of Saturday morning. Will discuss
Clauses line by line and word by word as before. _ H on Friday
Government like to rush through without discussion any Clauses
that may remain, the consequence be on their head. Penny Bank
Bartley is conjured to "put that in his pipe and smoke it;"
which he, metaphorically, does, and goes his way.
John Manners back to-night, after a bout of illness. House
delighted to see him. Cheer enthusiastically when he rises, blush-
ing, to answer question. House justly proud
of the picturesque old man, almost last sur-
viving link with Young England days.
Business done.—Coercion Bill in Committee.
Tuesday.—Shadow of the coming Jubilee
lies heavy on House. Various questions
discussed; but Jubilee always reasserts it-
self. Many questions about Grand Stand in
Parliament Square. Seats not to be reserved
and numbered, it appears. Geobge Camp-
bell sternly asks, Are we to understand
that Ladies are to scramble for their places ? "
" I hope," said that preux chevalier,
Plunket, with a pained look,'at the enormity
of the suggestion, " that Ladies do not
scramble."
Clear through the grating in
the cage over the Press Gallery,
came ^he whisper, "What a
nice man!"
Gardner wanted to know
how long the streets would be
kept open for Members' car-
riages, and Alderman Fowler,
twice Lord Mayor of London,
posed Pltjnket with inquiry as
to what was to be done with
Members' carriages when they
had arrived and set down their
fare ? John Dillon gave new
" Smiles audibly." turn to conversation by sug-
tvn ThVi -r. gearing that House should sit
"aJUDuee Unj; at which'suggestion Wintebbotham, Q.C., with a
roae in his button-hole, audibly smiled.
At last House resumed Committee on Coercion Bill, the movement
being signal for general Exodus. Almost alone Gladstone sat on
Front Bench with Bill in one hand and copy of Amendments in other,
eagerly comparing them. Everyone else, not excluding the indomi-
table Tim, wearied with the worn-out theme. Leaders of the
Government abdicated, leaving Treasury Bench in possession of
Irish Attoenet-Geneeal, Soliciiob-Genebal, and Chief Secbe-
taet. Even John Morley, most assiduous attendant upon House,
had given himself rest. The Irish Camp half empty, and the
Benches opposite tenantless. And here was Gladstone, leaning
forward, with elbows on knees, Bill in one hand, and Amendments
in the other, as eagerly scanning them as if he had but just dis-
covered this new fount of delight. Abthub Balfour looked across
the table at him with perceptible increase of interest.
"What on earth can he find interesting in the beastly Bill?"
he muttered, and, settling himself forward another inch, went to
sleep.
" Curious thing," says Wilfrid Lawson, " how Irish Secretary-
ship diversely affects different men. It ruined Forsteb's health and
temper; it turned Treveltan's hair grey ; it gave an added tone of
placidity to Campbell-Bannerman's imperturbability; and it
makes Arthur Balfour sit more and more recklessly on his spine.
Fancy, before Bill is reported, he '11 have accomplished his heart's
desire, and be able to sit upon the blades of his shoulders."
Business done.—Very little. No prospect of more pending com-
pulsory conclusion of Committee Stage on Friday. All owing to the
Jubilee. So, till Jubilee is over, shall move my own Adjournment.
"Shades of Evening."—" What to do with your hands," is
always a difficulty for amateurs, for debutants in Society, and for
nervous persons. If anyone would learn what to do with his hands,
let him call in one evening at the Pavilion and see Professor Trewey
(he used to exhibit at the Alhambra) make a " galanty show," out
of his two hands. Wonderful and immensely amusing, especially on
a hot evening, which is warm in the well-ventilated Pavilion. It is
well worth seeing, and anyone visiting the place will find our words
verified, we mean Trewey-fied.
ROJ3EBT ON THE JUBILEE.
Well, all I can say is, if we 're to have many more Jewbillys such
as this here one during the nex year or two, they will have to get a
rayther younger Head Waiter than me to look after matters, so as
to keep 'em strate. With all my long xperience, I never know'd
sitch a time for eating and drinking and speechifying. First it's a
grand lunch, hot and hurley, at a Livery Company's All; then
it's sitch a dinner as few people as ewer had the chance of heating,
at the Grand Metropoll; and then a Ball and supper for a few
thousand gesteses, at which they all eats and drinks as if they had.
nothink to speak of all day ! Thems wot had occurd, and will occur
again has on Thurssday nex; and as we has to prepare for about
five thousand wisiters to a Ball at Gildhall, and sitch a supper as
nobody carnt give except the honerd Copperashun, at what time can
I reasonably expec to reach my downy and wirtuous couch ? And
ewen that isn't all, for my old friends the Jiners has fixt on the
werry next day for a heckscursion, on bord the "Maria Wood"
City Barge, and of course they insists on having me as ushal,
coz I knows their little ways, and the partickler brands of Shampane
as they likes. Well, if sum of us tumbles asleep, and falls over-
board, and is drownded in the foaming billers off Monkey Hand, all
Lean say is, it won't be suicide, but oyerdun dooty.
' Of all the warious ways of sillybrating a Jewbilly as I've herd on
up to now, I thinks as the Livery Company's is about the best.
They not only asks lots of people to cum to dinner, and gives lots of
money to their Poor, but they presents theirselves with bootiful reel
Gold deckorations to show their loyalty to the Queen iu a senserble
sort of way. One company has given theirselves all butifool gold
pencil-cases, another has given theirselves butifool gold deckorations
to wear in their coats on Sherrymonial occasions, and then has a
grand Lady's party on purpos to show 'em off; wile a third has given
theirselves, ewery one of 'em, butiful gold five-pound pieces as has
just been made in the Mint. Ah, that's what I calls common sense,
and.no nonsense; for wen it'sail over, and the luminations have all
been put out, and the fireworks all gorn off, and the werry last grand
dinner eaten and thoroly digested, and paid for, they will still have
sumthmk left, of that loveliest of all colours, pure gold of 15 carrots,
to keep the Jewbilly m their fond remembrance.
I shood think if there 'a one class of peeple more than another, who
ought to cash up pretty hansum for all the warious ways as kind
trends suggests for sillybrating the Jewbilly, it's the Doctors, for I
rnyther thinksas they'11 be having a high time of it, both at the
West End and in the City, for the nex munth or so. What we jolly
waiters calls the Livery complaint, will be pretty nearly universal.