Punch (94.1888)

Febrttaby 18, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._ 73

WARREN'S WHITENING.

Not-at-all-at-Home Secretary. " Splendid collection of 1 Constables' you 've
got."

Sir Ch-rl-s W-rr-n. '' Beautiful ' There's one which was almost Black,

and I restored it perfectly. there's another which only wants a
touch or two of my luminous whitening to be as good as ever it was."

PRO BONO PUBLICO.

Examiner. Now, Sir, what appointment do you desire
to"fill? _

Candidate. I wish to heeome Dean of a Cathedral.
E. Certainly. Have you any idea as to your duties'?
C. I fancy I am responsible for the building and its
contents.

E. Quite right. Now, suppose you or anyone had
reasons to believe that the bones of some great historical
person were buried in a certain part of thelCathedral,
what would you do ?

C. I would dig for them.

E. Quite right. And if you did not]find_them in one
place, what would you do ?

C. I would dig for them in another.
E. Certainly. Quite right. And if you found them—
what next? (Candidate hesitates.) Well, what would
you do with them ? Tes ?

C. (after a pause). I think I should give them'a good
washing.

E. Quite correct. And after they hadlbeen washed,
what next ?

C. Well, perhaps it would be well to .have'them
photographed.

E. Unquestionably. And after they had been photo-
graphed, what would be your next step ?

C. Well, I think I ought to put them somewhere handy,
where they would be carefully examined by the scientists.

E. Tes. Well ? Where would that be ?

C. I can think of no better answer than somebody's
drawing-room ?

E. And that answer will do admirably. I am "so
pleased with your replies, that I appoint you Dean until
the End of the Chapter. And you may adopt as your
motto, " Otium cum dig."

A LESSON IN LAW;

Or, Fusion and Confusion in the Future.
Scene—Interior of the Hall of an Inn of Court, Students discovered
seated at tables, more or less attentive. Enter two Porters, who
arrange a table surrounded by long drapery. They then retire,
giving place to Lecturer who is received with applause. He bows,
and gets behind his table.
_ Lecturer. Gentlemen, now that in the Legal Profession no distinc-
tion is known between Barristers and Solicitors, a Lawyer must be
able to appear in many parts. It is not sufficient that he may know
how to address a jury or to draw a brief—he must be competent to
serve a writ, or possibly to become the Lord Chancellor. Naturally in
the latter character he would have many reminiscences of the days of
his youth. If you please, I will appear as the Lord Chancellor.
(Stoops down beside the table and re-appears in wig and robe.) H'm,
the Lord Chancellor. (Applause.) H'm, ha, h'm. This is a very im-
portant matter—so important that I fancy we must take time to con-
sider it and not give our decision—decision I say, until next term.
And that reminds me that once when I was engaged in sweeping out
theofficeof someBarsolistor (IwaBjuniorpartner of the firm at the time),
I found a draft of a brief that had never been delivered, and on account
of its non-delivery the action had been won. No doubt my Brother be-
side me will remember the circumstance ? (Altering his voice in reply.)
Certainly. (Takes off disguise of Lord Chancellor and reappears as
himself. Applause.) Having Bhown you one of the Prizes of the Pro-
fession, I will giveyou another. I willintroducemyfriend, Mt.Wellup,
a Chief Clerk in the Chancery Division. This should be more in-
teresting to you than the other illustration, as it is easier to become a
Chief Clerk than a Lord. Chancellor. (Laughter, amidst which the Lec-
turer dives beneath his table to reappear dressed as a Chief Clerk of the
Chancery Division.) Mr. Wellup ! (Cheers and Laughter.) Now,
let me tell you all, that I do not advise anyone to do anything, but
if I am asked by the Plaintiff in this cause what he ought to do, I
can only say, that were I he, I should certainly take out a summons
which might be made returnable in a week asking for whatever
it is. And if the Defendant in this cause were to make the
same _ application to me, I should give him the same advice.
That is what I should do were I not a Chief Clerk, but as I am a
Chief Clerk, I give no advice at all! (Lecturer dives beneath Ms
table and reappears as himself. Applause.) Having shown you
what you may become if you are successful, I will now give a
hint of a possible companion fate. My friend, Mr. Costeilt, having
become a Barsolistor, and entering into legal proceedings himself,
knowing the ropes, is anxious that everything should go right.
(Disappears and reappears in an old wig and tattered gown.) Mr.
Costeilt. (Applause.) Now tell me, because you know I do know all
about it, whether everything has had proper attention ? Have you

got the third account vouched—and the letter for the surrender of
the lease posted, and the further observations to the Junior Counsel
sent out ? And I do hope that the funeral I had to attend did not
interfere with my being properly represented when that point about
the binding of my wife's life interest was referred to the judge t And
you are quite sure that there is not more than five quarters rent to
pay for that farm we haven't been able to agree amongst ourselves
to let ? And you don't think much harm was done by my absenting
myself to take my eldest daughter to the scarlet fever hospital when
that unsuccessful application was made to have some accumulated
income paid to. me out of Court. And—(hesitating)—and—and you
don't think you could advance me five shillings to go on with ?
(Loud laughter, amidst which the Lecturer resumes his every-day
dress.) And now, Gentlemen, I will conclude my lecture with my
last illustration—Mr. Jonathan Bustman. whom we will suppose
is a Barsolistor who has not yet been able to secure a partner.
(Dives under table, and reappears in another character.) Now
let me see which shall I do first—argue before the Court of
Appeal, or finish that Bill of Costs ? No; can't do either, as I have
to serve that writ in Bayswater. But that won't do either, because
I have got to take the proof of that Detective in the Probate case.
And yet how can I attend to him when 1 must be in Somerset
House searching for that will ? Then if I do that, and don't finish
the engrossing of that marriage settlement, I shall stop the marriage
fixed for to-morrow at St. George's, Hanover Square. And then, if
I neglect the dying deposition of the witness at Charing Cross Hos-
pital, and he dies before I get to him, how on earth am I to conduct
that case at Bow Street, fixed for some time this afternoon ? Notthat I
couldn't throw over a criminal matter if it would have helped me to
appear in the running-down case in the Q. B. D., to cross-examine
the coachman this morning. _ And then, if I do either, the widow may
starve if I don't identify her in the Paymaster-General's Department,
to enable her to secure her dividends I Not that she couldn't wait if
I had but the leisure to finish that opinion about the fraud on the
power which I promised should arrive in good time to enable some
country clients of mine to make up their minds before they com-
menced suits for administration over value, and improper convey-
ance. Well, I can't do all, and if I don't do all, 1 had better do
none ; so, as it's a fine day, and I feel in a pleasant frame of mind,
I think I shall take a holiday, and go to Southend 1

[Roars_ of laughter, amidst which the Lecturer retires, ana
brings the Scene to an agreeable conclusion.

Treating him Lightly.
" Stuff," says Lankester. " Nonsense! I know that I'm right.

On your old effete system I'll let in the light."
Answers Oxford, " Tour light you will please take away.
We can see better far, thanks, without such a Bay.

vol. xciv,