Punch (95.1888)

48

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 28, 1888.

Just then somebody tapped Cunninghams on right shoulder. Turned
sharply round to see who it was. On looking back, found 'Orny
'Anded One disappeared with pencil-ease.

Sees it all now. 'Orny 'Anded One a policeman in plain clothes ;
told off by Waeren for this particular work. Communicates suspi-
cion to Home Secbetaby, who sits guiltily silent.
But the popping of Cunninghame Geaham nothing to Parnell's.

Comes up with question as to course Government
intend to take with respect to Bill creating Special
Commission, to try over again great libel case.
Parnell palpitating with passion. Fixes directly
upon Old Morality. Looks as if he would tear
him limb from limb. O.M. evidently in a terrible
funk. But there is table and breadth of floor
between him and Parnell, and Lord-Advocate
at end of bench. If anything happens, can get
behind Lord-Advocate. "Take a good deal of tear-
ing up to finish him before hour of adjournment.

After this, motion for Adjournment, whilst Cony-
beaee discanted on Saturday's performance in
Trafalgar Square. Dr. Clabk gave interesting
account of proceedings. Singularly like scene from
Pantomime where policeman comes on ; only, situa-
tion reversed. Instead of Bobby being chivvied,
and finally chucked out, Bobby seems to have
chivvied the Public in casual way. Graphic
descriptions of Rev. Gentlemen with hats bat-
tered; Hon. Members rushed backwards and
forwards across Square, and then taking cabs
to go home. Old Morality, recovering from
state of coma into which Parnell had fright-
ened him, abruptly moved Closure. By curious
association of ideas, this reminded Cunning-
hame Geaham that his gold pencil-ease was
not closed when he passed it to the 'Orny
Thinking of the 'Orny 'Anded One. Bose to mention this incident.
'Anded One. Speaker put question. CG. stood in attitude of
defiance, still thinking of the 'Orny 'Anded One.
Conservatives yelled. Speaker shouted "Order! Order!"
Cunninghams Graham tumbled back into his seat, " and Freedom,"
at it again, " shrieked when Kosciusko fell."

Business done.—In intervals of miscellaneous popping, three
clauses added to Local Government BiU.

_ Tuesday.—House been for some weeks engaged in race against
time with Local Government Bill. Contest being on go-as-you-
please system determined to-night to run ; tremendous scamper ; at
four o'clock on Clause 67 ; finished up before
midnight with Clause 125 and last.
Pretty to see Caleb "Weight standing at
ar with mouth open, watching Bill jump
along clause by clause.

"Been Chairman of the Tyldesley Local
Board man and boy for forty years," said he,
in a hushed whisper ; '' but never got through
business like this. A mile a minute—a clause
every sixty seconds ! Tyldesley not in it! "

Towards half-past twelve, on Clause 120,
Courtney began to show signs of distress.
Five Clauses yet to pass ; only half-hour to do
it in. Old Moeaeity sat restless on Treasury
Bench; strong impulse on him to move the
Closure. Ritchie smiled feverishly; tried not
to look at clock. Charlie Beresford, practical
at critical moment, brought glass of hot
rum for Chairman. Edwaed Clarke con-
tributed sponge and a lemon. Thus refreshed
in and out, Couetney got up another spurt,
staggering past the post with Clause 125,
and ten minutes to spare.

Curse of Camborne interposed, and
suggested that progress should be reported,
and last Clause left over. Howl of angry
reprobation greeted suggestion. "Would
dearly have liked to vex everybody by
moving to report progress; but at last
moment courage failed him. So ultimate
" A Clause every Sixty Clause agreed to, and the Curse went home
Seconds!" to roost.

. .... ,, Business done. — Last Clause of Local

Government Hill through (jommittee.

Thursday.—Local Government BiU finally through Committee, new
Clauses, Schedules, and all. House cheers ; Ritchie blushes. Abea-
tiaM proposes to lead ott chorus, " For he's a Jolly Good Fellow ; "
Dilwyn pointed out that that would be out of order; might lead to con-
flict with Speakee. So melody remains mute in Abraham's bosom.

Nevertheless, everybody agrees that Ritchie has done uncommonly
well. Comparatively a young Parliamentary Hand, with no experi-
ence of taking Bill through House, has carried one of the biggest
measures of modern times. For such success much depends on
nature of BiU; but a great deal on the Minister in charge. Hab-
couet says he knows many men, who in most favourable circum-
stances couldn't have carried BiU. Everybody knows one, but in
Haecourt's presence doesn't mention name. Ritchie, throughout
long struggle, has been clear-headed, courteous, firm wherever firm-
ness was quite safe; when making concessions, adding to the grace
of giving by doing it promptly and cheerfully; never bumptious ;
resisting aU temptations to be smart, and clever enough to hide his
cleverness. Several men may have reason to believe that they have
done pretty weU in the long debate; but Ritchie has carried his
BiU.

S Curse of Camborne back again. Roosting with him a disappointingly
brief exercise. Baleoite moved Second Reading^ of Bann Drainage
BiU. Appears that this is a fresh injustice to Ireland.
The whole country seething with indignation. In such
circumstances might reasonably expect Leader of Irish
Party, or one of principal Lieutenants to move rejection.
But it is an English Member that comes to the front.
Conybeabe moves rejection of BiU. Bluntly announces
he's going to talk it out.

"We'll see about that," says Macartney.
Lay low and said nuffin till just on stroke of
midnight. Another sixty seconds' vituperation,
and the Curse of Camborne could have carried
out his threat. Macartney moves Closure just
in nick of time. Closure carried; main question
put; Irish Members evict each other ; noisUy
tumble out of House ; after Division,
as noisUy come back; Orders run
through; obj ect to everything ; Curse
of Camborne in fuU blast; Speaker
threatens to "Name" him, where-
upon Curse subsides, and House
adjourns.

Ah," said Herbert Gardner,
strolling out ; '' glad it ended that
way. If Speaker, in 'naming'
Conybeare, had accurately described
him, afraid he must have dropped into
unparliamentary language. Then
we 'd have had to call Speaker to
The Grand Young Gardner. Order, which would have rather com-
plicated things."
Business done. Local Government BUI through Committee.
Friday Night.—The Curse really has gone home to roost this time.
Been writing to the papers, personally attacking Speaker. This
breach of good manners stirred Grandolph to deepest depths.

" If there's one thing I like, Toby," he said, just now, "it is to
see respect shown to our pastors and masters. Do anything you
Uke with me ; but don't expect me to stand tamely by if anyone
scouts constituted authority."

So Geandolph moved that the Curse be suspended for the rest of
the Session. House secretly delighted at prospect, but dissembled
its joy.

' Oh, hang it! " Members said. " That's too much. Give him a
month."

Sage of Queen Anne's Gate pleaded for fourteen days, and costs.
Finally, House shook off the Curse for a month.
Business done.—Conybeare suspended. A few "Votes in Supply.

The Umbrella at the Opera.

Says Bousfield to Haeeis, " I must keep my gingham."

Says Harris to Bousfield, " To staUs you can't bring 'em."

To Bousfield (v. Harris), says Bayley, the Judge,

"You'll pay all the costs, and the action is fudge.

When the Op'ra you visit,—by this you '11 abide,—

If you stick to your gingham, you must stick—outside."

Bryant-and-May's Young Girls.—Match-makers indeed! They
no doubt make excellent " strike-on-their-own-box" and other
matches for B. and M., who, having for once met their match, have
behaved most sensibly, and yielded with a good grace to reasonable
demands, hut in the West End, a young lady, no matter how lovely,
if she only had nineteen shillings a week at most, couldn't expect
to make much of a match without assistance. Yet match-making
mothers have been known to make splendid matches for their
(laughters, oven when they have been absolutely penniless. Won-
derful persons these West End matchmakers!

The "Sweets" of Wimbledon.—BuUs'-cyes.

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