Punch (95.1888)

AueusT 25, 1888.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

87

As bees buzz out wi' angry fyke,

This racing game they oanna' like ;

And as Tam flies you see them follow

Wi' monie an eldritch skreech and hollow.

Ah, Tam ! ah, Tam ! though fast thou'rt farin',

Be sure those shareholders thou'rt scarin' ;

The public also have a fear

They may buy joys o' speed too dear.

Beware, Tam, ere this cantrip ends

In Danger and low Dividends!

THE FUN OF THE ST. P. FUND.

In the little Blue Book annually published by the
Newspaper Press Fund, there is a comical misprint in the
report of the Chairman's speech at last year's banquet.
The Chairman, following the wise custom introduced by
H.R.H. the Prince of Wales at every public dinner,
wishing to get to the cigars and the real business of the
evening after the first toast, quoted the well-known
words of Mr. Ducrow, who, when rehearsing an eques-
trian drama at Astley's, found the dialogue tedious, and
exclaimed, '' Cut the cackle and come to the 'osses." But
the reporter and the printer between them have thus
reproduced it at p. 13 : " ' Cut the cattle and come to the
asses' (Laughter)." "Laughter!" We should think so
—rather! Sir Edward Clarke, q,.C. Solicitor-General,
presided this year, and drew tears from the eyes and
money from the purses of his audience by his earnest
solicitations.

" Primate and Confidential."

(To Lord Carnarvon.)

I thank you, my Lord,

I'm quite in accord
With the spirit of your suggestions,

" Open Churches " are rare,

But everywhere
We've plenty of " Open Questions."

Jack Tar's Log at the Manoeuvres. — " Lough
Swilly"—the place to pipe all hands for grog.

CARRY YER BAG, SIR?"

THE RIVAL-TO-THE-B1G-G00SEBERRY CORRESPONDENCE.

Letter No. 1.

Sir,—I notice in the columns of one of your Contemporaries that
the question has been raised, "Is Marriage a Failure ? " and if you
will allow me I should like to answer it.

Sir, how can marriage be a failure when the household is well
conducted ? Let me take my own ease. I am a man of great mental
attainments, and with a power of organisation that must command
respect. Sir, I am not satisfied to leave the care of the home to
hands other than my own. Taking for my model the '1 paterfamilias''
of the famed law-giver, Justinian, I consider it my duty to per-
sonally superintend the details of domestic management. Thus I
think it advisable to arrange with the cook the menu of the dinner,
and to consult with the housemaid as to the times and seasons most
suitable for the cleansing of the various apartments, for the proper
condition of which I hold her responsible. And if occasionally; our
meals become a little complicated, and the sweeping the drawing-
room carpet is entirely overlooked, those are matters only of temporary
annoyance, and the great principle that the man should be the head
of the household is maintained in all its beautiful significance. _

From this you must not imagine that I devote my entire time to
the arrangement of the proper functions of my servants. On the
contrary, I have plenty of leisure for improving the mind of my wife.
It is my duty, as it is indeed my pleasure, to read to her works of
an elevating rather than an entertaining character. Moreover, when
it is fine I am always ready to take her with me to see such Museums
as that of the School of Mines in Jermyn Street, or the excellent
Anatomical Collection attached to Surgeons' Hall. From this you
will gather, that while seeking for instruction I do not ignore the
claims of amusement. After these few hints as to the method I
pursue in rendering my home a happy one, it is unnecessary for me
to indicate further whether in our case marriage is a failure.

I am, Sir, yours, Somebody's Husband.

Letter No. 2.

Sir,—I have just seen a rough draft of which the letter sent to you
by my husband is a carefully prepared copy. As he is not looldng,
will you allow me to answer the question, '' Is Marriage a failure P "
by the significant word, " Rather ! "

Yours truly, Somebody's Wife.

Letter No. 3.

Sir,—as an American, will you permit me to join in your interest-
ing Correspondence? The institutions of the free United States
enable the enterprising- Benedick to marry, and then obtain a divorce
with the greatest possible convenience and dispatch. Thus I have
had considerable experience in Matrimony. I have consequently
entered into the bonds of Wedlock more than once, and can therefore
conscientiously declare that Marriage is not a failure.

Tours truly, True as Steel.

Letter No. 4.

Sir,—For the last thirty years—in fact, since I reached my
eighteenth birthday—I have given this all-engrossing question my
most anxious consideration. In spite of the peculiar custom of Leap
Year, I have not yet been able to put the problem to a practical test.
So, speaking for myself, I fear I must confess that Marriage is a
failure. lours, singularly, A Maid oe Lea.

Letter No. 5.

Sir,—Of course Marriage is a failure. What is a fellow to do
when he is obliged to give up his Club and his Music Hall, his pals
and his smoke ? No, Sir, it is not good enough for

Yours truly, 'Arry at 20.

Letter No. 6.

Sir,—Take it all round with the rough and the smooth, the worries
of unpaid bills and the trips into the country, the black looks of one's
husband, and the laughter of one's children, I really do believe that
Marriage is not a failure. Yours faithfully, 'Arriet at 50.

[This Correspondence to be discontinued upon the discovery of a more
engrossing subject in the Silly Season.]

"Is Marriage a Failure?"—Evidently not, as it contrives to
fill two or three columns every day, and keeps up the circulation of
the L>. T. m the D. S., or Dull Season.

Revival of the Office of "The Director of Transports."—
Why, certainly. Emotional persons ought to be subject to proper
control. We hope he will be a firm but sympathetic person. Perhaps
an experienced Matron would be best fitted for the post.