Punch (95.1888)

100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 1, 1888.

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SONG BY A SMALL SHOPKEEPEE.

In my business as lies in a subub,

Wen there proves weights and measures untrue,
The least mixture in groceries, grub, bub,

Other articles ever so few ;
Wot a row, and a 'owl, and a 'ubbub!

And I'm fined if 'ad up for the " do."

A wrong label the same, on conwiction,
In shop-front if exposed to the sight,

Though there mayn't be no 'arm in the fiction,
Or if any, no matter 'ow slight;

So sewere is the legal restriction -
Upon dealins as isn't all right.

0, 'ow 'enious, a sample to tender
To the test wot ain't quite true and trim!

A poor tradesman 's a petty offender,^
And the Lawr will be down upon 'im.
.. Now the.rule is,.-" Look out let the vender,"
Clear of fraud, 'e must carefully skim.

But Contractors of wealth and 'igh station,
See wot charges is laid to their dores,
■ - Of all manner of falsification,

Shams, and swindles in Government stores,

Guns and weapons of war for the Nation;
Wot yer calls the defence of our shores!

Them as 'olds a superior position, .....

Imposition can practise scot-free,
For a rogue of exalted condition

There's one lawr, and another for me.
Nothink wus than a Special Commission

To report upon duffers like 'e.

Then the 'ole blame the " systim " is laid on,

Never no one let in for a fine,
As inflicted small cheaters in trade on.

Jerry Diddlers tiptop may combine,
No detection in diddlin' afraid on.

Oh! 'ow blessed their potion to mine !

Advice to Would-be Cyclists.—Tri before you Bi.
Men of Rank and Station.—Railway Cabmen.

THE LAWS OF HEREDITY ILLUSTRATED.

Grigson {who has tripped up his friend Professor Grumpson's campstool just as the
latter was sitting down on it). "Hi! Don't! It's no good cutting up rough,

you know—I inherited a tendency to practical joking, and can't help
it—you said so yourself ! ! ! ! "

Grwnpson. "Quite so, my dear Fellow; you're not to blame a bit!
But I've inherited a tendency to kick practical jokers, and can't help
it either." [Kicks him.

MASTEE TOMMY'S DOMESTIC MANCEUVEES.

Suggested by some Recent Make-believe Naval Experiments.

How to Make them Fancy the House is on Fire.—Having prepared
two of the top-floor chimneys, by stuffing them with the contents of
several feather pillows steeped in petroleum, light these, and proceed
quickly to the coal-cellar, where, kindling a large bonfire of news-
papers, old school-books, kitchen chairs, and door-mats, rush up the
stairs, crying " Fire ! " at the top of your voice, and raise the alarm.
The house being by this time full of blinding smoke, shout to the
butler to open the back windows, and pump freely into the rooms
with the garden-engine. This will increase the consternation, but
you will have to provide for the excitement of the crowd that will
have by this time collected in front of the house. To do this, rush
to a window on the second floor, and, flinging it wildly open, tear
bed-curtains and sheets into lengths rapidly, and join them together
for an escape-rope. Now, having secured the page-boy, and
threatened him with a thrashing if he makes any resistance, let him
down by this into the area. To give more effect to this, do it with
j^rks. This will have so impressed the crowd that they will have
already summoned the Parish engines, that will now be playing
vigorously on the front of the house, and drenching it from top
to bottom. The origin of the "Alarm" having by this time been
discovered, you will probably be called on for an explanation, where-
upon, pointing to the fact, from experience, how well they would
have been prepared to meet it, if there had been a real fire,
you express your complete satisfaction at the result, and frankly
intimating that you now consider the incident closed, refuse to enter
into any further conversation on the matter.

An Impromptu Little Dinner.— This experiment may be best tried
at the house of an invalid uncle and aunt, who are noted for their
hospitality, and pride themselves on the excellence of their cuisine,
the object being to show how, with scarcely any preparation, a very
satisfactory dinner may be provided on the spur of the moment for
a decent number of perf ectly unexpected guests. Getting hold of
your aunt and uncle s visitmg-list, proceed to ask four-and-twenty

of their friends to dinner at a short-date, taking care to tell them
there is "no need to reply to the invitation." The day at length
arriving, and the guests beginning to assemble, hurry out and order
in twenty-four bloaters, the same number of mutton-chops, and two
dozen of stout respectively from the fishmonger's, butcher's, and the
public-house in the immediate neighbourhood. The dinner is now
provided. After some awkward pauses in the conversation, your
uncle and aunt still being unconscious of the reason of the assem-
bling of their guests in their drawing-room, the butler, much to their
surprise, now announces it, and all forthwith adjourn down-stairs to
partake of the repast. This does not take long, and the guests, the
matter still being unexplained to them, and, rather resenting the fare
that has been provided for them, depart early, taking their leave
more or less abruptly. Your aunt and uncle being at last left alone,
though still profoundly puzzled at the whole proceeding, are bound
to admit that, although they have not done it exactly in the style they
would wish, they have most undeniably given a quite impromptu
little dinner.

A FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE—A SUGGESTION FOR SCARBOROUGH.

He was followed everywhere! At last it became unbearable.
He resolved that, come what would, to learn his fate. He turned
round sharply by the sad sea waves, and faced them. For a moment
they shrank back abashed.

' What do you want ? " he asked, sternly.

There was a dead silence! Then one of them, extending a bronzed
hand, cried, in an appealing voice,—
" A penny, good Sir—a penny! "

His eyes flashed fire, and he indignantly refused the boon.
"A penny, good Sir—a penny!" they repeated, with increased
importunity.

Then he hurled at them a defiance.

" If you are not off at once, I will give you into the custody of the
Police f"

"With an unearthly yell, they threw up their arms, and, taking to
their heels, disappeared for ever!!