Punch (95.1888)

106

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 1, 1888.

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

"I say, Browi*, let's try and get into tiie same Mourning-Coach as
Major Bardolph. He always comes out so jolly on these occasions ! "

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY.

August 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our hoy Lupin on our
hands, still, it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank,
simply because '' he took no interest in his work, and alwa5Ts arrived an hour
(sometimes two hours) late." We can all start off on Monday to Broadsteps with
a light heart, though nearly half my allotted fortnight's holiday has been wasted
in correspondence with the Manager of the Bank at Oldham.

August 13.—Hurrah ! at Broadsteps. Very nice apartments near the station.
On the cliff they would have been double the price. The landlady had a nice
live o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed
fastidious because there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in
the evening for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to
bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.

_ August 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last
night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly Rooms.
I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of respectable
patronage, but he replied, " Oh, it was only ' for one night only.' I had a fit of
the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Pkesswell, England's
Particular Spark." I told him I was proud to say I had never heard of her.
Carrie said, "Do let the boy alone. He's quite old enough to take care of
himself, and won't forget he's a gentleman. Remember you were young onee
yourself." Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out.

August 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Bargate, and the first
person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said, "Hulloh! I thought you
had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?" He said, " Yes, but
young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down
here. You know the Cummings' are here too ? " Carrie said, " Oh, that will
he delightful—we must have some evenings together and have games." 1 intro-

awkward questions which Oowing always has a knack of asking.

August 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me
because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock coat. I don't know
what the boy is coming to.

August 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a
sail. It was a_ relief to be with her alone, for when Lupin irritates me, she
always sides with him. On our return, he said, " Oh, you 've been on the
' Shilling Emetic,' have you ? You '11 come to six-pennorth on the ' Liver Jerker'
next." I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not to understand him'.

... August 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to
arrange an evening at Bargate. It being wet, Gowing
asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel and
have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in
fact disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must
hasten back to Bargate; whereupon Lupin, to my
horror, said, "I'll give you a game, Gowing—a hundred
up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for
dinner.'' I said,'' Perhaps Mister_ Gowing does not care to
play with boys." Gowing surprised me by saying, " Oh
yes, I do, if they play well," and they walked off together.

August 19 [Sunday).—I was about to read Lupin a
sermon on smoking (which he indulges in violently) and
billiards, hut he put on his hat and walked out. Carrie
then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability
of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she
was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered him a
cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said,
" This is a good old tup'ny—try one of mine," and he
handed me a cigar long enough almost to put in the
umbrella rack.

August 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was
fine, though clouded overhead. "We went over to Cum-
mings' (at Bargate) in the evening, and as it was cold,
we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual,
overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play
" Cutlets," a game we never heard of. He sat on a
chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation
which dear Carrie rightly declined. After some species
of wrangling, 2" sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie sat
on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's
lap, then Cummings on Lupin's, and Mrs. Cummings on
her husband's. We looked very ridiculous, and laughed
a good deal. Gowing then said, "Are you a believer in
the Great Mogul?" We had to answer all together,

Yes—oh, yes," (three times). Gowing said, "So am
I," and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke
was that we all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie
banged her head against the corner of the fender. Mrs.
Cummings put some vinegar on, but through this we
missed the last train, and had to drive hack to Broad-
steps, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.

RAILWAY READING.

THE IDEAL, ACCORDING TO SIR THEODORE MARTIN.

Scene—Platform Book-stall. Stall-keeper discovered.

Passenger [entering leisurely). Can you recommend
anything ?

Stall-keeper [after consideration). Well, Sir, if your
journey is a long one, would not Allison's History of
Europe, or Gibbon's Decline and Fall suit you ?

Passenger. I thank you, but I think something lighter
would please me better. I am leaving busy toiling
London, in search of leisure—recreation.

Stall-keeper. Then, perchance, the poet's song would
please you. We have Paradise Lost, that mighty work
of mightier Milton. Or, should you prefer the Drama's
claims, here is Shakspeare, in twelve handy folios.

Passenger. Nay, I know Milton and the Bard of
Avon by heart. I would give prose romance a turn.

Stall-keeper. Well, then, Sir, I can recommend an
edition, fully illustrated, of that great Wizard of the
North, Sir Walter Scott; or prefer you something
still more modern? We have the History of Lord
Macaulay, which, they tell me, is quite a romance.

Passenger [smiling). I see you are fond of quaint
conceits; but have you no modern novels ?

Stall-keeper. Ay! Indeed, we have, Sir! The works
of George Elliot and of Thackeray.

Passenger [hesitating). And yet I know not how to
choose with such a goodly feast before me. Let me see.

Porter [approaching). Please, Sir, you have missed
your train. [Passenger expresses annoyance, as the
Scene closes.

THE REAL, ACCORDING TO THE FACTS OP THE CASE.

Scene—Platform Book-stall. Stall-keeper discovered.

Passenger [entering hurriedly). Can you recommend
anything ?

Stall-keeper [promptly). Yes, Sir. Bead Beat. The
latest thrilling shocker.
Passenger. All right! That'11 do. [Buys it.

Porter [approaching). Just in time for your train, Sir.
[Passenger expresses satisfaction as the Scene closes.