Punch (95.1888)

108

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 1, 1888.

admirable clerk, Portington, who, as a rule, is no great respecter of
persons, always talks of Bandsman with bated breath, and rushes
forward to open the outer door when the great man prepares to leave
the Chambers. It is necessary to explain this, and further to add,
that with the good-fellowship habitual to men occupying the same
Chambers, by an unwritten law we are permitted to use one another's
rooms in the absence of their proper proprietors. My own particular
room is popularly supposed t>y those of my unprofessional friends
who occasionally honour me with a visit, to be the cupboard, in which
I keep my wig and gown, when not arguing abstruse points of law
with the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, and other
learned personages. From this it will be seen that Bandsman's
apartment is far more imposing than my own.

Some little while ago I had reason to believe that I might receive
certain Vacation business from a Solicitor who had been kind enough
to say that he considered himself under an obligation to me (I had
bailed him out when he had been arrested at two o'clock in the
morning while attempting to let himself in with a corkscrew, which
it appears he had mistaken for his own latch-key), and consequently
I had warned Portington that should any client ask for me it would
be as well if he showed him into the rooms of my co-chambennan,
Mr. Bandsman.

"He is rather eccentric," I had said, on bidding my excellent and
admirable Clerk adieu, '' and may possibly be a little excited when
he calls; so merely show him in, ana do not disturb him if he goes to
sleep." Portington bowed, and said that he quite understood the
situation. On the following morning as I was entering my Chambers
I was met by an American acquaintance, for whom I have a very deep
respect, but who is not entirelv accustomed to the staid ways of
what he calls this "played-out old country." He button-holed me,
and told me that he nad been looking out for the London friend of a
friend of his in the States. He could not find the said London friend,
so now was hunting for the said friend's children.

"My friend's friend's name was Smith,—Robert Smith," he
observed. " He was living in 1824. That is so. I have advertised
for his descendants, if any. If you hear from any of them, why just
you let me know."

" My dear fellow," I replied, "I shall be only too delighted if I
can be of any service to you. But surely it's a little vague-"

"Not at all! A card will do anything in the States. Why not
here? I have put your name and address to the advertisement.
Yes, Sirree. So if you hear from any of them, why just you write
to ' Poste Restante, Rome,' where I am due the day after to-morrow.
Good-bye! "

And before I could say anything in response, he had seized my
hand, wrun°r it heartily, hastily jumped into a hansom cab, and
was being driven at a gallop towards the Victoria Railway Station.

A little flurried by this rather unexpected encounter, I paused a
few moments to regain my composure, and then entered my
Chambers.

"He's come, Sir," said Portington, as I walked in, " and I have
shown him into Mr. Bandsman's room. He's rather a rum 'un. Sir;
but I suppose it is all right. But you won't be long, I hope, Sir, as
Mr. Bandsman's Clerk tells me that Mr. Bandsman is coming up to
town at two o'clock, and will want to use his room for several
consultations that can't wait until the end of the Vacation."

"Oh, certainly, Portington," I replied. "No doubt I shall not
require the room for more than half an hour."

Upon this I assumed my best manner (I usually adopt a_ cheery
and genial air when dealing with clients—it puts them at their ease),
and entered the apartment in which my anticipated acquaintance
was seated, and greeted him with great cordiality.

"Delighted to see you, my dear Sir," I exclaimed—and then I
stopped. To my astonishment I found, instead of my expected
visitor a rough-looking person in a velveteen coat and a fur cap,
with a newspaper in his right hand, and a thick short stick in the
other.

" Ax your parding. Guvnor," said this person, with rather a
threatening air, "but I've come about this 'ere advertisement."

He handed me the newspaper with a marked passage in the second
column of the front page.

" Vou are Briefless, ain't you ?" he asked, roughly. I nodded,
and glanced at the marked passage. To my horror I found it was a
request that all persons claiming relationship with a Robert Smith,
living in 1820, should call upon me at my Chambers, when they

would hear of something to their advantage.''
Now," said the person, looking at his stick, " I ain't going for
to stand no nonsense. I 'ave wasted 'arf a day 'ere, 'eos I turned up
before the doors was opened. Bob Smith was my uncle. "What's
the summut I'm going for to 'ear to my advantage ? "

I really did not know what to say or'do. I could not help feeling
greatly annoyed at my American acquaintance's thoughtless im-
petuosity.

" So vou are old Bob Smith's descendant, are" you, my worthy
fellow ?■' 1 exclaimed, with a heartiness I was far from feeling.
"None of your gammon," he replied, roughly; "but stump up

now you knows my rights. Cos why—if you don't stump up it won't
be pleasant for you."

Greatly upset by his threatening demeanour, I was about to
remonstrate, when Portington ushered in Wo more rough-looking
persons and three muscular females. The five additions to our little
circle produced as many marked newspapers, and immediately called
my attention to what they described as their "rights."

" My worthy people," I began, "I fear there must be some mis-
take."

They anathematised the suggestion, and all six of them advanced
towards me with a demeanour that made me devoutly wish that we
had included a police-constable on the strength of our clerical esta-
blishment. I saw that I must temporise.

" My good friends, I was a little unprepared for your visit, but if
you will wait here a few minutes, I think I can satisfy you. And
now I will retire."

The rough-looking men were mclined to bar my exit, but the three
females, with the observation "that anyone could see as I was a
gentleman as meant to be'ave as a gentleman," suggested that I
should be allowed to go on the understanding that I returned in five
minutes with the '' summut" I had presumedly promised to give them.

The men accorded a grudging consent, and I walked away. Once
outside, with a hurried remark to Portington that I might not
return until the commencement of Term, I left my Chambers.

Later_ in the day I passed Pumphandle Court, and from a loud
altercation I heard going on within (in which I distinctly recognised
the voice of Bandsman raised in angry expostulation), I much fear
that my unwelcome visitors (who seemed to be still in possession),
had seriously interfered with the serenity that usually is the charac-
teristic of my eminent co-Chamberman's important consultations.

IS SMOKING A FAILURE?

Sir,—I have not the least doubt that the discovery made by
Medictjs, dating from the Middlesex Hospital, that smoking Turkish
and Egyptian cigarettes is most injurious to health, is absolutely
correct. I have often wondered why it is
that I feel so uncommonly queer after
dinner; now at last the mystery is ex-
plained. It is all due to the " Wady
Haifa Paragons " that I have been in the
habit of smoking, but which I shall now
abjure in favour of a pipe and some extra
strong Virginia shag. I assure you that
often and often I have felt just as if my
throat were on fire, and have habitually
gone to bed in my boots, awaking the next
Beer or Bier—The Smoker's morning with a perfectly splitting head-
Mixture, ache. Yet I have been most moderate in
eating, and have steadily limited my drinking to two bottles of
Tokay and half a bottle of Scotch whiskey per evening, which surely
nobody can call an excessive supply. Some ridiculous friends have
insisted that I am suffering from alcoholic poisoning, and have induced
me to try this retreat, kept—I fancy—by a medical chum of their own;
but you can judge how mistaken the treatment here is when I say that
I am limited to two glasses of weak '' Vin Ordinaire'' a day, while the
presiding physician does not care in the least how many noxious and
poisonous cigarettes I indulge in. Need I say that, after these
awful revelations of Medicus, I have given a weekly notice of my
intention to leave this retreat—" beat a retreat," I may perhaps
call it—and resume my old modes of life, minus my old penchant for
cigarettes, but plus pipes and cigars, ad lib. ?

Yours, eye-openedly, A Toper.

The Home for Inebriates, Losticittles, Cornwall.

Sir,—my mucous membrane is in an awful_ condition.' Do you know
what it is to have a couple of Doctors exploring your larynx for three
hours, as if it were a part of the Dark Continent ? I do. They say
that my laryngeal regions—by which I think they mean my throat,
only a natural delicacy prevents them putting it so plainly—affords
a most interesting study, because in all their experience they have
never seen anything look half so bad ! This is comforting to me. Now,
after Medicus's disclosures as to the horrible " unclassified alkaloid
poison " in Egyptian cigarettes, I cannot have a doubt where my ill-
ness has come from. Where it will go to, time and my Doctors will
have to decide between them. And then for Medicus calmly to con-
fess that the alkaloid poison is " unclassified! " I don't feel, how-
ever, as, if it would do my "laryngeal regions" much good even if
it xchyq classified

Yours, mucussedly, A Dabbler in Egyptians.

P.S.—A sanitary expert has just told us that our house happens to
be planted over an old cesspool, and that all the domestic pipes
connect directly with it. Possibly, after all, the alkaloid is not so
guilty as we thought.

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