Punch (95.1888)

November 10, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225

A PARTHIAN SHOT.

Examiner. "Thank you, Mr. Jones ! I'm afraid it isn't necessary to

trouble you any further. good morning."

Plucked One {who has at all events read his Nineteenth Century). "Ah, it's all
very well; but they'll be examining you presently — and see bow
You'll like it.' Good morning."

ROBERT ON THE NEW LORD MAYORS SHO.

"Well, I suttenly did think that, ewen in these times of universal mokery and
irrewerence, there was jest a few things as might reesonahly be xpected to
remane saered from the profain touch of the ribald gester, and fust and
foremast among 'em was the hancient, the time-honnerd, the truly gorgeus
festival of Lord Mare's Sho !

But no, I was rong for wunee, and I confesses it in sackcloth and hashes ;
that is to say, I am sure as I wood, if so be as I knowd how to get through that
werry gritty an skrunching seremony. But then, of coarse, I did not make
proper elowance for the ordassity of a Gent who combines in his own sollem
person such a strange wariety of karacters as a Hem Pea, a Barrow Night, a
Pollytishun, a Joker, and a Tea Toteller!

And what a hordience Sir William Lawson selecks to adress on so him-
portant and hinterestin a subjeck! What can a lot of mere Wesmorland
Woters kno or care about Lord Mare's Sho ? Why, less than even he does—
and how much is that ? Why he acshally tells his pore hignorant lisseners,
and xpecs them to bleeve him, that it is the custom to have in the sacred Sho
camels, and bufferlows, and ellefants, and jackasses, and men in armer, and
tom-fools, a marching about! What a minglin of the subblime and the ridicklus !
Elefants and Men in Armer on the one hand; and Jackasses and Tom Fools
on the other! My curiossity is naterally xcited to kno who he could have
meant by the jackasses and torn fools; but I naterally refranes from persuing
the dellieate inquiry too fur.

Leaving his discripshun of the Sho, I passes on to his ludickrus acount of
the werry grandest bankwet as takes place in the old City, as is so notorious for
em. Woud it be bleeved that so wunderfool is his hutter hignorance on these
himportant matters, that he acshally describes the Ero of the nite as being
serrounded with Torys and Turtels ! Torys and Turtels ! What a singlar com-
binashun! Torys, the bo hideal of humane wisdom and wirtue, and Turtels,
the bo hideal of skrumpshus and happytising food!

_ But only to think of the witty water-drinker's hutter hignorance of igh-class
wittels, as well as of igh-class drinks. Why he acshally seams to fansy as that
Turtels is brort on table at dinner, all hole, like Turbots, and such small dear!

Ah, what a rewelashun it will be to him sum day when
he fust tastes Reel Tuetel Soup ! I halmost henveys
him his grand sensashun._

I admires his awdassity much more than his good
taste as to the halterations he boldly wentures to suggest
in the grand percesshun, and from what I ears, here and
there, I don't think as there ain't werry much chance of
there being adopted. What mere rubbish to have a
picter of Mr. Goschen hoffering Lord Soblsbebby a blank
check! Wot's the use of a blank check, I shood like
to know, to Lord Soelsbebey or to anyboddy helse ? If
the Chanceseller of the Xchecker had a bin shown
a-hoffering of him a five pun note for hisself, there
woud be sum sense in it, and in spite of his estonish-
ment at a pressent from sitch a quarter, his Lordship
woud probberly have accepted it with rapshure.

AndT then only fansy a doing away with the thrillin
and. awe-enspirin site of no less than six reel Men in
Armer, all brort from the Tower of Lundun, by the
speshal permission of H.R.H. the Dook of Camebbidge,
to keep the mob in order, and substitootin for 'em
Mr. Wilkie Collins a milkin a Cow in a werry large
feeld! Why the thing's too ridickulus to ewen dream
about, tho I confesses as I do have sum rayther rum
uns sometimes, 'speshally after a werry scrumpshus
bankwet. Howewer, seeing, I spose, in what Amlet
calls his mind-your-eyes, that, in a Persesshun in the
werry richest City in the hole World, sumthink like
splender woud be looked for, he proposes to have, next
to the Cow-milking seen, a Gilded Carrage; all werry
right and werry propper, says ewerybody of taste ; but
he must have a nice idear of the size of a Gilded Carrage,
for it is to contane not ony Mr. Joe Chamberling—
as he werry irreverently calls the fashnable Member for
Brummagem—but he is to have with him a lot of Dooks,
and Dutehesses, and Publicans, and Archbishups, and
Brewers!

Why, wot nonsense! Why, ewen a large penny
Homnibus woodn't hold 'em! And wot a way in which
to speak of the werry hiest horders of the Nobility,
Looks and Dutehesses, and Archbishups, and the most
usefullest of all our Mannyfacterers, Brewers and Pub-
licans ; wiz., to tork about a lot of 'em, as if they was to
be put up and nocked down at a Hoction!

But a truce to all this ribaldry and werry watery wit,
at witch I confesses as I ceased to be surprized when
wunce I learnt that its Orthur had never tasted reel
Turtel Soup, on the one hand, and never nowknowed wot
it wos to drink a glass of generous old Port, or ewen
jest a wee drop of reel Scotch Whiskey, on the other.

Poor old Gennelman! we must, of coarse, make ewery
posserble alowance for him under the pecooliar circum-
stanses of his werry sad case. Robebt.

Mot by a Midlothian Unionist.

[Mr. Gladstone, writing to Mr. Holmes Ivoitr, Hon. Sec.
of the Midlothian Liberal Association, speaks hopefully of the
prospects of Home Kule in the Constituencies] :—

In such optimist dreams though you seem to believe,
To a Scholar like you is it needful to state,

Mydear William, that it is the dreams that deceive
Which pass through the Ivory gate ?

Nubseey Talk.—A discussion has been going on as
to what "a Nurse's position" should be. Doesn't her
position depend on that of the patient, or the baby?
" A Peivate Nurse" writes to The Hospital to ask—Is
it a rule for a Private Nurse to take her meals in the
kitchen? Certainly not, if the custom of Mrs. Gamp
and Betsy Prig is still of any authority. But perhaps
those good old days are gone for ever; but Gamps and
Prigs never demeaned themselves by taking their meals
in the kitchen.

To Sir Polydore de Keyser.

Well, " Every dog must have his day,"

And every Lord Mayor too ;
But when his day is done, he may,
In all " the beauty of De-K.,"

Become a Knight, like you.

New Setting of an Old Saw.—Tou cannot touch
" La Terre " without being Soil'd.