Punch (95.1888)

244

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 24, 1888.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

A delightfully told romance is The Countess Eve, by J. H.
Shorthouse. An additional charm is, that it is in one volume.
No wanderings, as in John Inglesant. One of the heroes is an

Actor. I should like to hear -what
Mr. Irving would have to say about
the truth of this character to nature.
Mr. Shorthouse's Stage _ is an ideal
one; but then the story is as fanci-
fully conceived and nearly as weird as
that of Le Juif Polonais. The triumph
of good over evil is strikingly worked
out. The scene is laid in France, and
the characters are all French. This
being so, why introduce little bits of
„ ,. French ? For example, why suddenly

Bow-wowmglnmout. style the Superioress of a Convent,
whom he has hitherto spoken of as The Abbess, as La Mere Abbesse ?
"Why make an old servant ask the two Gentlemen, " Would les
Messieurs partake of dejeuner before returning to the City P " Are
les Messieurs and "dejeuner" untranslatable? By what authority
does Mr. Shorthouse use a cireonjiexe in dejeuner ? One of the most
subtly conceived and cleverly drawn characters in the book is the little
chattering Vicomte. But no more, or as Mr. Shorthouse would say,
not a word de plus. Those qui like les romans, I fortement recommend
a lire this livre. C''est published par Les Messieurs Macmillast.

I've carried a "Walker's pocket-book wherever I've walked during
this year, and am quite sorry to part with it. Still I must in favour
of another Walker—No. 7—a size larger, but slimmer and more
pocketable. "Walker's No. 4, I recommend for ladies who have
pockets. The varieties might suit "Wagnerites who could speak of
the "Walker pocket-books as "the Walkerie."

"What a magnificent Christmas present would be the Harry
Furntss's collection of his Artistic Jokes, splendidly bound in one
volume, containing photographs of every picture in his Bond Street
show, which made such a hit last year, and drew crowds to see his
rare burlesque treatment of the works of the Royal Academicians.
This book, of which he is compiler, printer, and publisher, and part
author with "E. J. M.," would be, indeed, a rare gift, as the issue
is limited to about a hundred and fifty copies, and it is becoming rarer
everyday. " Get it," says The Baron de Book-Worms.

VOCES POPULI.

AT EDINBURGH CASTLE.
Sceki—Entrance to the Castle. A small Party of Sightseers have
just retained the services of an Official Guide.

Guide [in a mellifluous tone and without any stops whatever, fixing
his eyes on vacancy, having apparently committed his discourse to
memory). Before commencing our round of the Castle Lady and
Gentlemen I will ask your attention to a few remarks upon the
trench below the drawbridge where we now stand most parties are
apt to run away with the erronous impression of its being the
ancient moat which a moment's reflection will show us how absurd
this is being more than one 'undred feet above the base of the solid
rock before us is the exercise ground formerly the scene of countless
burnings 'angings and other revolting spectacles common to that
barbarious age now appily for ever past from us !

First Sightseer [desirous to gratify the Guide, and display his
Military knowledge). You could hold this place against any odds,
eh P Practically impregnable, I suppose P

Guide (blandly). Well, Sir, as a fortress, it is quite obslete,
being commanded by Arthur's Seat.

A " Stoopid" S. Who did you say commands the Castle ?

[Discovers that he is cut off from Guide by a body of soldiers
marching down to drill. By time he comes up with him
again. Guide is already explaining something else, and
question allowed to drop.

Guide. Above the same-eye Gothic arch under which we are now
about to pass you will observe the Scots arms carved above with the
motto JS emo me impugn lacessit no one provokes me with impunity.

The Stoopid 8;-{in a whisper). What did he say provoked him?

Guide (continuing). In the chamber above the last and innermost
gate making seven in all and lighted by a single grating it formed
the place of confinement for the luckless Argyll previous to his
execution there the original study was made by Ward for his
picture the Last Sleep of Argyll" now in the 'Ouses of Parliament.

Sightseers (who have never seen the Westminster frescoes). Really?
painted there, was it! [ They regard the grating with dawning interest.

The S. S. Singular thing to do—sending an artist to paint him
asleep before they cut his head off, curious days, those, Sir, curious
days! . [Moralises on the past.

Guide. The portion above is modern haying been re-erected in
recent times in the latest baronial style on your left as you go

forward Lady and Gentlemen you will observe a flight of steps
formerly at once the route for persons of royal and noble blood and
the only means of access from the condemned cells to the place of
execution a striking contrast thus we see afforded between the
two sides misery and splendour the 'ighest and the lowest. (Halts
in an impressive manner. Sightseers prepare, in limp attitudes, to
receive information.) You follow the direction of my staff to the
furthest corner of the ramparts where the turret projects it was
there that a rather romantic-

An Old Lady (arriving hurriedly). Are you the Guide ? Can you
explain the Castle ?

Guide. Yes, Ma'am, that is what I am here to do—(placidly)—it
was there that a rather romantic but strictly--

The Old Lady. Wait a minute. I want my friend to hear this.
I '11 fetch her. [Starts in search of friend, who is drifting aimlessly
about amongst the cannon, and comes under protest.

Guide (proceeding)—a rather romantic but strictly according to
our historical records a curious coincident took place the manner in
which the Castle was taken by surprise by Randolph with only thirty
picked men ascending the well-nigh precipitous rock the checkwatch
or as we now call it the patrol was at that moment being relieved
and the sentinel in mere wantonness or pure folly seizing one of the
stones with which in those days for purposes of defence the rampart
was then encumbered and shouting " Away ! " I see ye well urled it
over the rampart upon the 'elmets of the crouching escalade !

The S. S. The crouching which?

Guide (repeating with relish). The crouching escalade fortunately
without injury to any of the scaling-party which waiting till the
checkwatch had gone by clutching the ivy in their garntletted 'ands
they reached the summit overpowering the sentinel and taking the
Castle by surprise the feat being counted as one of the most daring
stratagems known to 'istry !

The 8. S. (admiringly). And were you there ?
_ Guide. No, Sir ; it took place in thirteen 'undred and twelve, Sir—
(impassively)—before I was born, Sir. (Continuing as before.) In
yonder buiiding now the Armry the ruthless Crichton entertained
the Douglases at a banquet the cover being removed revealed the
black bull's 'ed symptom of violent and immediate death struck
with 'orror at the sight they begged for their lives being brutally
refused and slain on the spot the iron tank on your right as you
ascend is comparatively modern and constructed to 'old water
in the event of a siege to provide against the garrison being reduced
by thirst the water is forced up into the tank each day by gravita-
tion from the Pentland 'Ills. I may here mention that the piece of
ordnance we are now passing is the famous Mons Meg. Ladies and
Gentlemen it is unnecessary for me to explain the cannon the
inscriptions on the carriage being its 'istry.

The S. S. Is that the gun they fire every day by electricity ?

Guide. It was last fired in 1682, Sir, being burst by the discharge
and consequently now obslete, even for peaceful purposes. [The
party pass into the quadrangle and face the Royal Apartments.

Guide. The wing on your right was set apart for the Court and
Royal Suite in front stands the ancient Banqueting 'AH here Argyll
feasted and connived with Cromwell at the death of Charles the
First that doorway leads you to Queen Mary's Room the birth-
place of James the Sixth afterwards James the First of Scotland.
Ladies and Gentlemen—(mysteriously)—I am now going to explain
something which you will find in none of the authorised guide-books
or 'istorical records will you all remain kindly where you now are
for a few minutes, and keep your eye fixed on me ?_ [ Walks slowly to
a doorway, and touches a stone above it with his sticky sightseers took
on, apparently in expectation of some startling conjuring trick.

Guide (returning with subdued importance). A curious discovery
never yet cleared up was made some years ago in the exact spot which
you saw me touch with my stick some workmen making alterations
came upon a coffin of oak which being opened proved to contain the
skeleton of an infant of great auntiquity-

The 8. S. How old did you say the infant was ?

Guide. Its exact age is unknown, but it was of a great auntiquity
and enveloped in a covering wrought with two initials, one of them
an I being distinctly visible being reported to Major-General
Thackeey then in command of the Royal Engineers he gave orders
for the skeleton to be replaced and the aperture sealed up which
accordingly was done though what or 'oo the infant was it is a
mystery—(solemnly)— probly will ever remain a mystery but that
is where the infant was found and where it now is.

The S. 8. Did you say that James the First was born in there ?

Guide. Yes, Sir, we have 'istorical record of that being so.

The S. S. Very well—(triumphantly)—your mystery's accounted
for at once ! [Looks round to discover effect, and perceives that his
theory does not seem to be generally understood, and realises for
the first time that he does not understand it himself.

Guide (declining to pursue the subject). Here Ladies and Gentlemen
my duties terminate you will now inspect at your leisure for there
is no occasions to hurry taking your own time about it the Crown
Room the Birthplace St. Margaret's Chapel Mons Meg and the