Punch (100.1891)

April 18, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181

He took a fourth class in History. His oratorical efforts at the
Union were not very striking, but he rowed in his College Torpid,
which was bumped four times,

"Mr. Pattle, as may be inferred from his nickname, is neither
tall nor thin. He is a member of the Middle Temple, bat his elo-
quence has not yet astonished the Courts of Law. His father died
five years ago, leaving him a considerable fortune, part of which he
proposes to waste in the hopeless attempt to turn out Sir Thomas
Chdbson."

Confound the people, 1 wish they'd mind their own business and
leave me alone!

March 17.—Haven't been down to Billsbury again yet, but go the
day after to-morrow to speak at a Mass Meeting of Conservative
electors. However, I've had shoals of letters from the place —
nearly all of them asking- for subscriptions. The Five Bars Cricket
Club, the Lilies Cricket Club, the Buffaloes Cricket Club, and the
Blue Horse Cricket Club have all elected me a vice-president, aDd
solicit the honour of my support. The Billsbury Free Dispensary is
much in want of fund?, and the Secretary points out that Sir Thomas
Celbson has subscribed £5 regularly every year. The United
Ironmongers' Friendly Society wishes me to be an Honorary
Member. Chtjbson subscribes £2 2s. to them. The Billsbury Brass
Band, and three Quoit Clubs (the game is much played there) have
elected me a member. The Secretary of the former sent me a printed
form, which I was to fill up, stating what instrument I meant to
play, and binding myself to attend at least one Band practice every
week. Three " cases of heartrending distress " have appealed to me,
"knowing the goodness of my heart." I shall have to consult
Tolland, or some one, about all this. I get the Meteor and the
Standard every day. The former goes on chaffing. Don't think
Jkbbam, in the Standard, writes as smartly as the other chaps.
Must try to get him stirred up a bit. Just received letter from
Tolland, saying he wants to talk to me before meeting about
"matters connected with the Registration." More money, I suppose.
Romeike, and all kinds of Press-Cutting Associations, keep on send-
able for the proof it afforded of ing why so remarkable" an actor ing me that extract from the Star, till I'm fairly sick of it. They

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

[continued.]

March 13.—Left Billsbury this morning by nine o'clock train,
and came back to London. Brouehtwith me the Billsbury Standard,
and the Billsbury Meteor (the Radical paper,) Both have accounts
of last night's meeting. Rather different, though.

Billsbury Standard. Billsbury Meteor.

The era of indecision is past. Last night the Conservatives
In another column we give a full gave their annual performance
account of the important meeting of the good old farce entitled,
of the Council of the Conservative Choosing a Candidate; or. Who's
Association, which was held last got the Money-bags ? We are
night for the purpose of select- glad to be able to congratulate
ing a Conservative Candidate for this distinguished body of am a-
Billsbury. The proceedings were teurs on the modest success which
enthusiastic and unanimous . . . attended their efforts. Most of
Mr. Richabd B. Pattle, the the performers are well-known
selected Conservative Candidate, to the Billsbury public. Alder-
is a young man of the highest man Tolland, as the heavy father,
promise. He had a distinguished provoked screams of laughter by
career atOxford. where he obtained the studied pomposity of his
honours in History, and repre- manner. His unctuous rendering
sented his College in the Torpid of the catch-phrase, " Constitu-
races for eight-oared crews. Since tional Progress." has lost none of
then he has been called to the its old force. Mr. Chobkle was,
Bar, where he has already secured perhaps, not so successful as we
a lucrative practice .... His have sometimes seen him in bis
speech last night had the right representation of a real Colonel,
ring about it. It was eloquent, but the scene in which he attacked
practical, convincing, modest and and routed Lindlet Mctbbay,
decided, thoroughly in harmony went extremely well. Mr. Jebbam
with the best traditions of the as a singing journalist, was ad-
Conservative party, and remark- mirable. We cannot help wonder-

the devotion of Conservatives at should confine himself to the

all times to the highest interests provincial stage. We had almost

of the working classes. We have forgotten to mention that the

no hesitation in declaring, as part of The Candidate was, on

Colonel Chobkle did last night, this occasion, assigned to a Mr.

that with such a Candidate to Richabd Pattle, a complete

oppose him, the fate of Sir Thomas novice, whose evident nervous-

Chtjbson may be considered as ness seriously imperilled the

already decided. If only all Con- success of the piece. He had

servatives will put their shoulders omitted to learn his part ade-

to the wheel and work hard, the quately, and the famous soliloquy,

stigma under which Billsbury "The country has need of me,"

now labours will be swept away, was painfully buneled. Mr.

A Mass Meeting of Conservative Pattle has few qualifications for

electors will be held on an early the ambitious role he essayed,

date to ratify the decision of the and his friends would be doing

Council, and inaugurate the an act of true kindness if they

period of hard work throughout insisted on his withdrawal from

the constituency. a profession for which he is in no

way fitted. The performance will
be repeated as usual next year.

I suppose the Meteor people think that witty. When I got home,
an awful thing happened. Mother, of course, wanted to see the
papers, so I gave her the Standard, with which she was much
pleased. She said it was evident I had made a wonderful impression,
and that the Billsbury Conservatives were particularly sensible
people ! But, by some mistake, I left the Meteor lying on the drawing-
room table. It seems that, in the afternoon, that sharp-tongued old
hag, Mrs. Spigot, called. She saw the Meteor, took it up, and said,
" Dear me, is this something about your son ? " Mother, thinking it
was the standard, said, "Oh yes—do read it, Mrs. Spigot; it's a
wonderfully accurate account, Rtchabd says; " and that old cat
read it all through. She then smiled, and said, " Yes, very flatter-
ing indred." After she had gone, mother took it up, and. to her
horror, found what it was. She was furious. When I got home in
the afternoon, I found her in a state of what Dr. Baeeb calls
" extreme nervous excitement," with the Meteor lyiDg in little
scraps all over the drawing-room, just as if a paper-chase had been
through there. She said, "Don't let me ever see that infamous
paper again, Dice:. The man who wrote it owes you some grudge, of
course. Scch a scoundrel ought to be denounced." I said I quite
agreed with her. Later on, met Vtji.liamt at the Club. We spoke
about Billsbury. He asked me, with a sort of chuckle, if I'd seen
the Star, and advised me to have a look at it, as there was something
about me in it. This is what I found in the column headed "Mainly
About People " : —

"Mr. Richabd Pattie, who is to be the Conservative Candidate
for Billsbury at the next election, is a young man of twenty-six.
At Oxford he was generally called ' Podge Pattle ' by his friends.

all want me to subscribe for Press-Cuttings. See them blowed first.

WHAT IT MAY COME TO !

SCENE — The Central Criminal Court. The usual Company
assembled, and the place wearing its customary aspect. "Sta?id-
ing room only " everyivhere, except in the Jury Box, which is
empty. Prisoner at the Bar.
Judge. This is most annoying ! Owing to the refusal of the Jury
to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and, I may even add, the

prisoner, is wasted! I really don't
know what to do! Mr. Twenttbob,
I think you appear for the accused ?

Counsel for the Defence. Yes, my
Lord.

Judge {ivith some hesitation). Well,
I do not for a moment presume to
dictate to you, but it certainly would
get us out of a serious difficulty if
your client pleaded guilty. I suppose
you have carefully considered his
case, and think it advisable that he
should not withdraw his plea ?

Counsel for the Defence. No, my
Lord, I certainly cannot advise him
to throw up his defence. It is a
serious—a deeply serious—matter
for him. I do not anticipate any
difficulty in establishing his innocence before an intelligent jury.
Judge. But we can't get a jury—intelligent or otherwise.
Counsel for the Defence. If no evidence is offered, my client should
be discharged.

Counsel, fur the Prosecution. I beg pardon, but I must set my
friend right,. Evidence is offered in support of the charge, my Lord.

Judge. Yes ; but there is no properly constituted body to receive
and decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the Grand Jury (to
whom I had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our
unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than
usual; still the present case is before the Court, and I must dispose
of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. Pebplebagge ?

Counsel f>r the Prosecution {tmiling). I am afraid not, my Lord.

Judge. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the
Prisoner to be taken hack to-

Prisoner. To the place I was in last night? No, thankee!—not
me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don't we r
Well, just to oblige you—as Darmoor ain't 'alf bad in the summer,
and as in course I did do it—I plead guilty!

Judge [with a sigh of relief). Prisoner at the Bar, we are infinitely
beholden to you ! '[Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy.

vol. c.

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