Punch: Punch (100.1891)

Mat 30, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

£63

THE NEWEST NOSTEUM.

[Mr. Al'beeox Herbert and other amiable enthusiasts held
a "Breakfast" at St. James's Hall, over which Sir Nathaniel
Staples presided, to advocate the principle of Voluntary
Taxation.]

Oh, Auberon, in fairy land

You must (like Oberon) be dwelling: 1
Tour notion's lovely, winning, grand,

The fiscal cat most bravely belling;
Guileless Nathaniel, too, affects

"World-hardened hearts— almosx to weeping,
Volunteer taxes who expects

To draw from. Mammon's harpy keeping.
Go, lure the tomtit from the twig,

Go, coax the tiger from his quarry,
The toper from his thirsty swig,

The swindler from his schemings sorry :
" Persuade " the Sweater to be just,

The 'cute Monopolist to be kindly;
Tempt banger to resign his crust,

The niggard churl to lavish blindly :
Make—by soft words—the ruthless wrecker

Subscribe for life-boats, ropes and rockets ;
Then plump the National Exchequer

By willing doles from well-filled pockets !

QUEER QUERIES.

Centbax Africa.—I have a longing to be an Explorer
in the wildest and densest jungles of the Dark Conti-
nent. I feel certain that this is my true role in life,
although some of my relatives, acting—I believe—purely
from jealousy, try to discourage me. Unfortunately I
have no money, and only a vague idea of how to get
there. The voyage out would probably do wonders for
my health, which is not strong ; in fact at present I can
hardly walk upstairs, and the Doctor says I need a warm
climate. I fancy Africa would be warm enough to suit
me. I should be glad to be told of any Capitalist who
would advance a few hundred pounds to enable me to
carry out my design. He would not lose his money, as
I would repay him by sending home the skins of all the
lions and tigers that I shot—also ivory,—as well as
realistic accounts of slave caravans, &o., which any
Publisher would be glad to buy.

Livingstone Junior.

OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN.

"ACHl I fCHBEAGUE ENKLISH >'OT VELL, NOT VELL AT ALL ! POT, PY A
LEADLE BrACTICE, I IMBROVE VER KVK K I VAIT TILL I HAF TALK TO YOU
FOR a GOPPLE OF HOURS, a>"D YOU SHA1 L SEE 1"

EOBERT AT THE ACADEMY.

"Wit sun tide being a raytber slack time with us Hed Waiters, coz
our principle paytrons is all out of Town, I naterally Blected that
week for my annewal yearly wisit to the Royal Academy. I never
coud quite hunderstand why it was called a Academy, which I
bleeves is a rayther swell name for a Skool, but I hadn't bin there
long larst week afore I soon dishcovered the reason. In course it
stands to reason that lots of the werry wust of the bad picturs is the
work of werry young pupils, who haven't yet left skool, so that's
why they calls it a Academy insted of a Hinstitooshun or a Hexe-
bishun.

The fust thing as struck me wos the emense number of portraits of
peeple asnoboddy never heard of, and therefore didn't want for to see,
and I wunders how the poor peeple woud like for to be obliged to wark
about the rooms and hear the fun as the peeple makes on 'em. One
on 'em looks so werry cross, that a Gent by me said as how he must
ha' bin taken when the bad news came from India. Another looks so
savage, that amost everybody asks him why he don't have it out and
done with it! Another werry savage sojer looked at me as much as
to say, "What are you staring at, Stupid?" which wasn't at all
perlite. Professor Huxley, I am told, is a werry great man, and so
he most suttenly seems for to think by the looks on him, and ain't he
jist got a lot of big books for to read! I was surprised to find as
there wasn't not no Lord Mare among the lot. His Lordship's state
robes wood have lighted up the hole place. And now for the reel
picters.

Fust and foremost of all the lot stands " The Flock of Sheep" by
Mr. Cooper, and as this happens to be one of the things as I does
understand, I makes no hesitation in saying, that there's about a
dozen of the werry finest saddles of mutton there as I ewer seed,
ewen at the honored Manshun House ! Next comes the grand pictur
called " One and Twenty." Ah! ain't they jest a joUy set, and ain't
they all a (irinking the young swell's health, and manny appy
returns of the day ? Why you can amost hear 'em.

And now jest a word and a hint to all our great Painters. Pray
what is picters painted for ? Is it to make peeple werry sollem, and
werry sorry, and werry unappy ? Ain't we got reel trubbles, and
reel sorrows enuff in the world, without painting sham ones ? And
yet I do declare that, arter looking at them two wundurful picters
of " The Cruis," and " The Doctor" and feeling as there wasn't not
no chance for either of the poor things to recover, that the kind
Doctor's trubble was all in wain, and that the poor Mother wood soon
have to bear the awfullest trubble as she coud ewer know, I left the
place as fast as I coud get out, for fear the peeple shoud notice the
big round tears as woud run down my silly old cheeks. Oh,
Mr. Filde8, Mr. Fildes, to think that jest a few little delicate
touches of your magic brush woud have sent away thousands of appy
hearts, instead of hundreds of miserable ones,_ ort to make you
resolve always to put jest a gleam of hope in your wunderful
pictures in future.

There was about the same number of staggerers as ushal, and I
again arsks, who has the hordacity to buy 'em ? I wunder what
Mrs. Robert woud say if I took one home to my sober dwelling!
But, jest as I was a coming away, I seed one of the most howdacious
of the lot, and it was named 41 The Judgment of Paris " / I had
offen heard as the French was werry free and boid in all these sort
of things, but I newer coud have thort that our Royal Academy
swells coud have so lowered theirselves as to condescend to submit
the whole of the Picters in the Exhibition to the judgment of the
Paris Painters, or that they wood have sleeted the greatest staggerer
as the one in their judgment the most worthy of the werry fust
prize. I don't think as it says much for their taste. Robert.

Obvious.

1 i The Times says, sagely, " There is a good deal of human nature in
Ireland." That would not so much matter if there were less of in-
human nature—as exemplified in "carding" women, "houghing"
cattle—and ruthlessly evicting rack-rented tenants.