Punch: Punch (101.1891)

4

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 4, 1891.

Capering.

There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give
you my word, it's a fact. I may haye omitted one or two, but
saw most of'em through telescope before landing-. There's an old
Town House and a Castle, aud an Excellency for Governor;
Museum, Library, with Manuscripts badly illuminated before the
discovery of gas; and as good a glass of Port (called here "Port
Elizabeth," after Miss Elizabeth Martin, who first took to it,
but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) as you'd wish to get away
from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for halfpence in the
street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral wealth of
South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined 'them, and
won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something
in South-African, Avhich the street Arabs here speak to perfection,
and which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on
Cecil, the Colossus of. Rhodes, but he was absent at the time.
Fine place, the Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people
go to Ramsgato, Southend, Heme Bay, and even Scarborough, when
there is such a splendid seaside place as this to come to ? " But no ;
because their people have done it before them, so they '11 go on
doing ; and, unlike yours, truly, they zcon't strike out a line of their
own. [N.B.—I must beg the Editor, when he gets this, not to strike
out any line of mine, as it's business, and means advertisement.]

The Odd Trek.

Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers,
and beat him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness;
but at game No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a " trek"
worth any three of his. He wanted to go about with me after

this, but he became such a Boer (that's the origin of our word
at home signifying "nuisance") that I cut him, and his pack of
cards too. Just off to see the Dutch races. Shall pick up a little
coin over this. You '11 excuse my not writing any more this week,
as T have to send a lot of stuff to the Daily Graphic, besides
cramming and reading up for it far more than ever I did at Oxford.
However, the jeu cVesprit is well worth the chandelle. You don't
want much about local politics—do you ? If so, wire's the word, and
I'm there. Looking forward to see What-can-the-Matter-be-Land,
also Sam Besi, and other old friends, with whose names, at least,
the papers have already made you familiar. Must be off now, as I've
an interview with the High Commissioner, who does all my business
for me at the native races. Obliged to give him twenty per cent, on
commission, and that, of course, is the reason why he has earned the
proud title of " High," which he now deservedly enjoys. " How's
that for High ? " And the answer is, " Fifteen per cent, on ordinary
business, and twenty per cent, for a win." Newmarket not in it
with this place. So for the present, " Adoo, adoo ! " Mind you, I've
got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out here,
White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able to put
you up], and " Black not to win anyhow." Yery hot out here ; dry
work, scribbling ; but luckily in the Orange Free State that de-
licious fruit can be had for the asking. Tell Gorsty that, and
Wolffy can use the information, if he likes, till I return. A u revoir !
Yours ever, /p

QUEER QUERIES.—Authorship.—I should be glad to know the
name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for
£1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel ? I have only written one chapter
so far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and
energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the Avork from a small
specimen. Which was the Firm that gave George Eliot £5000 for
Middlemarch ? I should like to go to them.—No Juggins.

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June.—We had an immense meeting here
last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our
best to get a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some
excuse or other, and we had to content our-
selves with Cardew, Avho, being an Under-
Secretary, is the next best thing to the
genuine Cabinet rose. Yulliamy came
too. A most extraordinary chap that.
Instead of being offended at what I did
■with reference to his proposals for whole-
sale illegality, he merely delivered his
sold of what he called " a gentle protest,"
and declared himself ready to do all he
coidd to help me to counteract the effects
of my own obstinacy. There was con-
siderable difficulty, as there always is, in
apportioning the various speeches, so as not
to leave.any of the important local chiefs
out of the proceedings. First of all
Tolland, as Chairman, opened the pro- Free and Independent
ceedings. Then came a vote of confidence -Llector.
in Her Majesty's Government, proposed by Colonel Chorkle, and
seconded by Yulliamy. To this Cardew responded.

Then Moffat proposed, and Jerram seconded, a vote of confidence
in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old Dicky Dikes proposed
a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by Blissop,
and after a few cordial words from Tolland, the gathering broke
up. On the whole, everything; went off extremely well. Yulliamy's
speech was a masterpiece. He said :—

'' I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private
concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have
had an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr.
Pattle. I have known him for years. Ever since I first met him,
I have been more and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent
interest he takes in political matters. His views are enlightened, his
judgment is sound, and his eloquence is of so high an order as to
ensure to him a brilliant success in the House he is destined to
adorn. But what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours,
is the honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here
Avill be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such
a Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from aR personal bitter-
ness, and wdl be conducted in such a way that no breath of
suspicion avRI rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality of eA'ery-
thing that may be done. The conscience of the people demands this
of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, and, speaking as
an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to see those who are yet
young bearing themselves so honourablA', and maintaining the great
traditions which haA'e made of England the greatest and proudest
nation in the world, and ha\'e adA'anced Billsbury to a position of
glorious prosperity aa'hich other toAvns strive in a'ain to approach."

This from Yulliamy was splendid, considering that if I had fol-
lowed his ad\'ice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But
the cheers that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthu-
siastic coming from Moffat, Blissop, and Jerram, Avho had urged
my compliance with Yulliamy's suggestions.

Wednesday, June ith.—The Meteor is furious about our meeting
yesterday. It says, in a leader:—" Do these gentlemen suppose that
the froth bloAA-n by them over the addle-pates who cheered their
speeches is likely to shake sir Thomas Chubson from the secure
position in which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned
liim P We haA'e nothing to say against Mr. Pattle except this, that
his youth, combined aa'ith the ridiculous immaturity of his Adews,
absolutely disqualifies him for the responsible post to Avhich bis
foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which
the a"iAdd imagination of his supporters pictures as croAvding his
table in the Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how
to speak in public ; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London;
let him, in fact, do anything except run the head which flattery has
turned against the sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give
him this adAdce in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be Avise in time,
and take it."

The Guardian is of course jubilant. " NeA'er," it says, "has it
been our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded
AA'ith an eloquence so conAuneing. Mr. Cardeav spoke, as he always
does, with that sturdy good sense which has not only made him
a redoubtable foe in the House of Commons, but has endeared his
name to the masses of the English people. Mr. Yullla.my again
shoAved himself a master of the great questions of finance, and held
his audience enthraRed while he contrasted the f utde extravagance
of Liberal Governments AAuth the wise, but generous economies,
established by those who now hold the reins of GoA'ernment._ Our
popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. Pattle, showed hiinseR
not unworthy to take his place side by side with the tAYO great men
we have mentioned upon the GoA'ernment benches. Rarely has any