Punch / Almanack (1843)

SEEING THE NEW YEAR IN.

that the year is not over on the 31st Jan., when the munth closes. It
is also objected that, as the Roman year began in March, January
did not open the year. The god Janus was represented with tw<*
faces, which were teimed by the Roman jokers " chops for two."
The sign of January is Aquarius, or the Waterman—blowing hia uiild
on the cab-stand.

1 Sbuniffly after Christmas.

Seipio Twits, Esq., marries Miss Ophelia Spike. The happy pair

leave town in the " Father of the Thames" for Greenwich.
Jupiter being an Evening Star till the 25th, goes out to parties.

Treaty with America, 1784. America declares her independence

—of debts, 1842.

Dividends and Income 1 " England expects that every man,
Tax due at the Bank. j This day will do the duty."

Twelfth Day. Sir Charles Ross, Miniature Painter to her Ma-
jesty, draws the Queen (of course).

Mrs. Twits winked at by a Woolwich Cadet. Twits tells his Ophelia,
in confidence, he'll pull that Cadet's nose.—Mem. Twits doesn't.

1 Sbunfcag after lEptpijanri.

The Cape taken, 1806—and drunk in Sherry at Taverns ever
since.

Royal Exchange destroyed 1838—by an inflammation in its
bowels.

^iRjBT Lottery in England, 150'9. Master Coleridge, of the Blue Coat School, makes*
hi8 tim appearance in the sterling Comedy of " The Whetl of Fortuno."

Twits hears that Cadet whistling " Meet me by Moonlight " under

Ophelia's window, and responds with " Water parted."
Declaration os the Independence of Greece, 1822. Sir Charles

Wetherell has his coat riew-collared.

Convicts first sent to Botany Bay, 1788. Heroes first ex-
tracted therefrom by William Harrison Ainsworth, 1839.

2 Sbunlmp after lEptp&ang.

Battle of Corunna, 1809. England gained nothing, but alas!—
lost Moore.

Prince Albert dines with the Lord Mayor, 1842. Retires

early, having left the key of Windsor Castle behind him.
National Vaccine instituted 1809. Several cows become con-

tributors to the Lancet.

Prince of Hesse Humbug died 1840. Charles Kean, as Hamlet,

succeeds to the title.

^irst Parliament meet 1269. Britannia institutes a class for
" Gammon for the Million."

having been waited upon by a friend of that Cadet, demanding satisfaction for
J*1® Water, suddenly recollects a particular appointment in London, and, with
uPhelia and his other baggage, embarks in " The Twilight."

Sbuntiap after lEptp&ang.

Great Frost 1 Old Father Thames is confined to his bed;
c°mmences, 1814. J And the New River too, with a cold in its Head.
The South Sea Bubble bursts 1721. John Bull plays around

ganie of Speculation, and pays for Knaves.

Galley, this Astronomer, died 1740. Diseoveied a Comet—
c°nsequently not a blind Halley.

Prince or Walks ohkistrnbd vnsrEBnAY, 1842. The King ol Prussia «uhk1 a
yer knife and fork and spoon, and godfather.

Peter the Greit died 1725. Surely they might have cured
if1'111 ^ they'd made up their minds to Salt-Pelcr.

XV Mrs- Twits at home" in Kennington Oval. Mother-in-law Spike pays the

Reading visit; andlliei- "good man " being outof town,)brings her " things ' vrith
'"to Mop a week.

j obuntmg after lEptpfjany.

'°ndon Docks opened 1805—for the reception of sloe-juice, &c.—
commonly known as the " Port of Loudon."

Fawres executed 1606. His post mortem examination pub-
ished by Bentley in 3 vols.

.Nursery" Directions for the New Year.—Transplant
beds for sucklings, if requisite, to make room for holiday
olive-branches. Sew buttons on shirts home for the vaca-
tion. Graft slips and ofi'euts on damaged frocks, and prune
elder sisters' pelisses into little girls' cloaks. Prepare hot
beds for colds caught at snowballing, or tumbling through the
ice. Cut sprigs of birch and hang up for future use. Plant
suckers of hardbake and cuttings of Twelfth-cake in nurses'
cupboards. Previous to Black Monday general crops may
be looked for. Rake heads with small-tooth comb and
dress with pomatum.

Watermen's Fares.-
oft' the stand—optional,
the street—nothing.

-For every hackney-coach called
For every empty cab stopped in

To dress Calf's Head.—Take ynur head and rub in a
thick lather all over the face, then pare off with a sharp
instrument. Wipe well with a clean towel, and place pieces
of starched linen about halfway up the cheek. Lard the
crown with any kind of grease,—a few drops of oil may
be an improvement—and your calf's head will be dressed
in the most approved style.

Legal Hints.—A party is liable to all the conscquences
of his own admissions. If therefore the manager of a
theatre gives an order and gets hissed by the person coming
in with it, there is no remedy.

To obtain Beer from Chalk.—This Is an easy and
common process, and may be put in practice as follows :—
Go to a respectable public-house, having first taken a resi-
dence or lodging in the neighbourhood. When you wislvfor
beer resort freely to the chalk, and go on, getting as much as
you can upon this principle, until it becomes unproductive,
when you may try it in another quarter.

Astronomical Observations.—Sagittarius, the Archer, is
v isible at Beulah Spa, and hits Aquarius, who is watering
the grounds.

1s'otes of the Month.—The stars of Drury Lane and
Covent Garden in opposition. Death is abroad on the let,
and a malign influence reigns over the Poultry: not merely
the two Turkeys, but two thousand, appear in the service
of China. Peace smiles in Affghanistan, since Ghuznee
was knocked down in separate lots by General Sale. Celes-
tial sparring on the 25th; the moon squares to Mars.

The New Yeah—Those who have not been accustomed
to pay any accounts should now begin. January is the
time for good resolutions; and that is why the Houses of
Parliament never meet until February.

Miscellaneous.—Turkeys are in season this month. If

they are required to be plumped and fattened, we should
i recommend using copies of Mr. Ferrand's speeches, which
are known to be the most extraordinary crammers.

Sporting.—The slipper may be hunted in family circles ;
the fair sex joining in the chase. Blindman's-buff and
Snap-dragon are in season, and require no game certificates.

Domestic and Moral.—On the 1st, call early on rich
old aunts and grandmothers, at whose death you expect
legacies, to wish them many happy new years. Present
young ladies with Affection's Offerings, Keepsakes, and
Books of Beauty. At academies lay in your green biroh,
and prepare to meet your young friends.

twits column