DOI Heft:
Punch’s Almanack for 1862
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17015#0004
PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1862
WISH FOR APRIL.
Little Boy. Sir, Sir, if you please,
Sir. Tliere’s something out of
your pocket.
Passenger. Eh, my lad, what is
It?
Little Boy. Tour hand, Sir.
Passenger {promptly). Tes, Sir,
as you shall feel. (Boxes his ears >
Little Boy. I wish there was no
April Fool Day. {Howling.)
A BATCH FROM BEDLAM.
<3. Why is a hunted fox like a
Puseyite ?
A. Because he’s a tracked-
hairy-un. {Tractarian.)
Q. If a Yankee slave-driver
caught a female runaway, what
would he his first remark ?
A. Let’s lick-her.
Q. Why is Blondin like a prize-
fighter ?
A. Because he can’t get his
living without some as-saults.
(somersaults.)
Q. Why is a lazy man a contra-
diction ?
A. Because he is a far-nigh-
ain’t-he ? (far niente.)
Fact for All Fools’ Day.—
The Geographical Society holds a
Conversazione, in the course of
which a wag, who has received
an invitation to attend, remarks
1 that the most extraordinary river
in the world is the Plate, which
runs with gravy.
Seasonable Demonstration.
—First of April; All Fools’ Day.
General meeting held by the
United Kingdom Alliance. Very
wet.
Baron Fancier. “There, now! That’s my Style!”
HINTS TO MAKE HOME
HAPPY.
BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.
| Endeavour every morning to
. get out of bed on the wrong
I side. Always ring for your hot
water with a vehemence of one
who thinks his house is on fire,
and scold the servant through the
door for her tardiness in bring-
, ingit. Never get your breakfast
without grumbling that the eggs
j are always boiled too much or
> else not half enough: and that
j by no chance can you ever get a
I decent cup of coffee. Except for
I purposes of diet, or else to make
a disagreeable remark, don’t open
your mouth until the meal is
finished. If your wife attempts
a little cheerful conversation,
stop it by a grunt: and eat with
the Times newspaper propped up
before your plate, as a hint that
you don’t want her to bother
you by talking. Never positively
tell her whether you’ll be home
to dinner : and be careful on the
days when you are certain you ’ll
dine out, to express yourself so
that she will be sure to wait an
hour for you. When you quit
the house leave a last word with
the servant, as opposite as pos-
sible to what you told your wife,
so as still more to prevent her
knowing what to do, and give
you further chances of complaint
at her not doing it. Of course,
be sure when you go out to bang
the door well after you.
When you draw an inference,
be sure about your moral per-
j spective.
POOR RICHARD’S MAXIMS
Respectfully dedicated to all true Americans.
BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.
One grain of sense is worth a pound of bluster.
There is moderation in all things. Do not feed the boiler
until you make it burst.
The head of Folly is generally crowned with a Mob-cap.
A nation saved from going to war is a nation preserved
from ruin.
The vessel of a State was never yet kept afloat by a num-
ber of windbags.
A quarrel is like debt—much easier rushed into than got
out of.
If two bedfellows are both determined to sleep in the
middle of the bed, it is pretty clear there will soon be a
falling out between them.
One falsehood entails several. As you make your bed
with equivocations and deceits, so you must lie in it.
A pair of compasses, divided against itself, is good for
naught.
Brag is a trumpet that’s very loud before going into
battle, but rarely heard in beating the retreat.
The One Thing one always gets at a Public Dinner.
—Buttered toast.
HUNTING FROM TOWN.-IT IS SAFER TO GO WITH YOUR ANIMAL.
Railway Porter {reflectively). “ Early Train ! Lbt ’s see ! Little Bay ’Oss, and a Brown ’Oss with a Bjg Knee? Hah I Then you may depend they're tmr
’OSSE8 AS WENT ON TO YORK J ”
WISH FOR APRIL.
Little Boy. Sir, Sir, if you please,
Sir. Tliere’s something out of
your pocket.
Passenger. Eh, my lad, what is
It?
Little Boy. Tour hand, Sir.
Passenger {promptly). Tes, Sir,
as you shall feel. (Boxes his ears >
Little Boy. I wish there was no
April Fool Day. {Howling.)
A BATCH FROM BEDLAM.
<3. Why is a hunted fox like a
Puseyite ?
A. Because he’s a tracked-
hairy-un. {Tractarian.)
Q. If a Yankee slave-driver
caught a female runaway, what
would he his first remark ?
A. Let’s lick-her.
Q. Why is Blondin like a prize-
fighter ?
A. Because he can’t get his
living without some as-saults.
(somersaults.)
Q. Why is a lazy man a contra-
diction ?
A. Because he is a far-nigh-
ain’t-he ? (far niente.)
Fact for All Fools’ Day.—
The Geographical Society holds a
Conversazione, in the course of
which a wag, who has received
an invitation to attend, remarks
1 that the most extraordinary river
in the world is the Plate, which
runs with gravy.
Seasonable Demonstration.
—First of April; All Fools’ Day.
General meeting held by the
United Kingdom Alliance. Very
wet.
Baron Fancier. “There, now! That’s my Style!”
HINTS TO MAKE HOME
HAPPY.
BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.
| Endeavour every morning to
. get out of bed on the wrong
I side. Always ring for your hot
water with a vehemence of one
who thinks his house is on fire,
and scold the servant through the
door for her tardiness in bring-
, ingit. Never get your breakfast
without grumbling that the eggs
j are always boiled too much or
> else not half enough: and that
j by no chance can you ever get a
I decent cup of coffee. Except for
I purposes of diet, or else to make
a disagreeable remark, don’t open
your mouth until the meal is
finished. If your wife attempts
a little cheerful conversation,
stop it by a grunt: and eat with
the Times newspaper propped up
before your plate, as a hint that
you don’t want her to bother
you by talking. Never positively
tell her whether you’ll be home
to dinner : and be careful on the
days when you are certain you ’ll
dine out, to express yourself so
that she will be sure to wait an
hour for you. When you quit
the house leave a last word with
the servant, as opposite as pos-
sible to what you told your wife,
so as still more to prevent her
knowing what to do, and give
you further chances of complaint
at her not doing it. Of course,
be sure when you go out to bang
the door well after you.
When you draw an inference,
be sure about your moral per-
j spective.
POOR RICHARD’S MAXIMS
Respectfully dedicated to all true Americans.
BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.
One grain of sense is worth a pound of bluster.
There is moderation in all things. Do not feed the boiler
until you make it burst.
The head of Folly is generally crowned with a Mob-cap.
A nation saved from going to war is a nation preserved
from ruin.
The vessel of a State was never yet kept afloat by a num-
ber of windbags.
A quarrel is like debt—much easier rushed into than got
out of.
If two bedfellows are both determined to sleep in the
middle of the bed, it is pretty clear there will soon be a
falling out between them.
One falsehood entails several. As you make your bed
with equivocations and deceits, so you must lie in it.
A pair of compasses, divided against itself, is good for
naught.
Brag is a trumpet that’s very loud before going into
battle, but rarely heard in beating the retreat.
The One Thing one always gets at a Public Dinner.
—Buttered toast.
HUNTING FROM TOWN.-IT IS SAFER TO GO WITH YOUR ANIMAL.
Railway Porter {reflectively). “ Early Train ! Lbt ’s see ! Little Bay ’Oss, and a Brown ’Oss with a Bjg Knee? Hah I Then you may depend they're tmr
’OSSE8 AS WENT ON TO YORK J ”