Punch / Almanack (1879)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1879.

i

[December 0, 1978.

CEUCIAL QUESTIONS.

Fm~ both sexes at various ages.
at five.

She. Will my new doll open and shut her eyes ?
He. Off to a party ! Will they have mince-pies ?

at ten.

She. Will pretty Master Smith be there this
time ?

He. Will Uncle take me to the pantomime ?
She. Will Mamma let me wear my hair in curl ?
He. I say, how many l's are there in " girl" ?

at fifteen.

She. Will he give me or Pan the first round
dance ?

He. Will our chaps at the wickets have a chance ?
She. Will my next dress -be made with longer

• ' skirts ?
He. Hoisted ? 0 crikey ! Wonder if it hurts ?
She. Did that sly Fanny hear him call me "dear " ?
He. I wonder if this " weed " will turn me queer ?

at twenty.

She. Will Papa think dear Percy's " screw'; too
small ?

Hi. Does this moustache mean to come on at all ?
She. Was it my eyes with which he seemed so

I struck ?

He. Is it a " pass," I wonder, or a " pluck " ?
She. I wonder whether He will "pop" to-night ?
He. I wonder whether She will answer right ?

at twenty-five.

She. Shall I, oh shall I, have a chance this season ?
He. A stiffish total ! Will there be a breeze on ?
She. Quite pale! Shall I put on the tiniest touch ?
He. Most brilliant! Wonder if she rouges much ?
She. Not a bad figure ! Has he any tin ?
He. Backed " Slowboy " for a pot! D'ye think
he '11 win ?

She. Long dress bill! Shall I get into hot water ?
He. Can I stave off old Snip another quarter ?

at thirty.

She. Will the new Curate be engaged or not ?
He. Close thing ! Shall I have nerve to make the
shot ?

She. Is flirting really now a sort of sinning ?
He. Is my neat middle parting really thinning ?
She. Now shall I get a partner for this dance ?
He. Old Boodles leaving! Shall / have a chance ?
Slie. Engaged at last! Now will he keep a
carriage ?

He. That's done ! How shall I like the yoke of
marriage ?

at forty.

Site. When rciU the Major come up to the scratch ?
He. Fat, plain and,forty! Shall I risk the match ?
She. Is that a tinge of red about my nose ?
He. Does the grey show—unless one looks too
close ?

She. Could I get on those " sixes "—at a pinch ?
He. Must I allow the vest another inch ?
She. Did Lady Linda mean that as a snub ?
He. Will they blackball me at the Buffers' Club ?
She. Is the dear fellow light about Confession ?
He. How stands my chance if they dissolve this
Session ?

at fifty.

She. Will Flora hook the wealthy cotton-spinner ?
He. Must I drop drinking port wine after dinner ?
She. Not meet! Great Heavens \ am I getting

stout ?

He. By Jingo, was that twinge a touch of gout ?
She. Did he mean anything by that warm glance ?
He. Shall I have " go'' to get through this round
dance ?

She. Will it be Brighton or the Continent ?
He. My dear, can that last cheque be wholly
spent ?

at sixty.

She. Will Lady Jane before those Jones's bow ?
He. Shall I, I wonder, get my knighthood now ?
She. Doctor, dear doctor, what does ail my back ?
He. Will Lord Fitz-Faddle give that berth to
Jack ?

She. Is Nelly really sweet on that young Brown ?
He. Are Costa Ricas going up or down ?
She. He seemed so sparkish ! Is it quite too late ?
He. Dull, this ! Am I too old a bird to mate ?

FASHION.

Given a legion of visages various,
Different powers and instincts gregarious,
How to sway all by some dominant passion ?
Set up a something and make it the Fashion,
And make every person find joy in excclsis
In being precisely as every one else is,
Why should Fashion's follies excite us to passion ?
Were Fashion not foolish it could not be Fashion.

MUFFS AND MARQUISATES.

Lord M's a muff ; but shrewd Mammas deter-
mine

Muffs have a value when they 're trimmed with
ermine!

"A Consummation," kc—Much is said and
written about the " Consolidation of the Statutes;"
but when shall we hear of a " Consolidation of
the Statues," by which all the bronze horrors in
our streets shall be melted down into one shape-
less mass ?

Q. What's the difference between a fraudulent
Bank Direction and a Servant's Registry Office ?

A. The former cooks books, the latter books
cooks.

" PRECieus hard lines "—as the Locomotive said
to the Railway.

CELESTIAL INFLUENCES
FOR 1879.

[Applicable to every Month in the Tear.)

3rd. Avoid marrying to-day.
—if you have already a wife
alive in any part of the world.

4th. Sign contracts which
are immediately beneficial to
your pocket, and which do not
bind you to anything.

18th. Travel. Avoid credi-
tors.

19t7i. Travel further. Avoid
more creditors.

20th. Travel further still.
Avoid all creditors.

21st. Stay where you are.
Receive no letters or telegrams.
Don't come back.

2~jth. Good day to tell old
stories to deaf persons.

28th. Go into the City. Bor-
row money without giving se-
curity, at one per cent. Lend
it at ten, taking property worth
three times the amount, as
security.

The Tables Turned.—The
complaint about schools now-
adays is that instead of being
a case of " Dotheboys " it is one
of •' Dotheparents."

Keats (for Smokers' Wives).
—" One kiss brings honey-dew
from buried days.''—Endymion,
Book H.

The Sublime. —The fash-
ions of this season. The Ridi-
culous.— The fashions of last
season.

The best French Exer-
cises for Girls.—A series of
practical studies in cookery a
la Francaise.

NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE BY EXTERNALS.

Boy (with Game). "Is this Squire Brown's?" Squire. Brown. "It is ! "

Boy. "Are you Squire Brown's Butler?" Squire Brown, I am not

Boy. " Whose Butler are you

GENERAL PREDICTIONS.

[B'j our own private Astrologer—espe-
cially engaged.)

Autumn Quarter. — Good
time to stay with friends at
their country-houses. Bad
time to go out shooting with
anyone who has never had a
gun in his hands before. Bad
time for persons going out
hunting for the first time in
their lives on young irntrained
horses.

APPROPRIATE QUOTA-
TIONS.

"All's Swell that ends
swell," as 'Arry remarked
when he purchased a pair of
" misfits."

"Pleasant it is when the
woods are green," as Pater-
familias observed when all the
doors in his new villa took to
warping.

" For this re-leaf much
thanks," as the trees said at
the coming of Spring.

Light Weights.—Formerly
the "fancy" name of a small
class of pugilists, now the real
name for the means of plunder
employed by a large class of
small tradesmen.

How to Supply a Common
Deficiency.—"If you haven't
an idea "—borrow one of some-
body who has.

Consistency.—A gentleman
attracted by a beautiful foot,
seeks the owner's hand.

Mem. for Young House-
wives.—To make both ends
meet—burn the candle at 'em.