Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117

THE OMEN OUTWITTED :

or, how nis reverence's heels took steps to save his head.
" So, Dick, I mean your ' reverence,' you like the blessed old country as well
4s ever, eh, lad ? "

" As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the meeting of long-
parted friends_the joy of the moment is pure and unalloyed—all minor faults

arc forgotten—all former goodness rushes with double force from the recollection
to the heart, and the renewal of old fellowship grafts new virtues (the sweet
traits of regretted absence) upon him who has been the chosen tenant of our
heart of hearts.' "

" His reverence's health—three times three (empty them heeltaps, Jack, and
fill out of the fresh jug)—now, boys, give tongue. That's the raal thing ; them
cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum. Bless you, and
long life to you ! That's the worst wish you'll find here.''

"I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and most heartily thank
ycu all."

" Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be calling you, that
was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by that clerical mouthful of a
haudle to your name. But do you find us altered much ? "

" There is no change but Time's—that has fallen lightly. To be sure, yester-
day I was looking for the heads of my strapping cousins at the bottom button of
their well-filled waistcoats, and, before Jack's arrival, meant to do a paternal and
patriarchal ' pat' on his, at somewhere about that altitude ; a ceremony he must
excuse, as the little lad of my mind has thought proper to expand into a young
Enniskillen of six feet three."

He's a mighty fine bov—the lady-killing vagabnne ! " said the father, with
a kind look of gratifitd pride ; and then added, as if to stop the infection of the
vanity, " and there's no denying he's big enough to be better." Here a slight
scrimmage at the door of the dining-room attracted the attention of the "masthcr."

" "What's the meaning of that noise, ye vagabones?"

" Spake up, Mickey."

"Isitme?" "It is." "Not at all, by no means. Let Paddy do it, or
Tim Carroll ; they're used to going out wid the car, and don't mind spaking to
the quality." " Take yourselves out o' that, or let me know what you want,
and be pretty quick about it, too.''

The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in the centre of the
room—a dig between the shoulders, and vigorously-applied kick behind, hasten-
ing him into that somewhat uneasy situation, with a degree of expedition perfectly
marvellous.

" Spake out, what is it ? " " Ahem ! " commenced Tim ; " you see, sir (aside),
I'll be even wid you for that kick, you thief of the world—you see, Paddy (bad
manners to him) and the rest o' the boys, was thinking that, owing to the change
o' climate, Master Richard—that is, his new riverence—has gone through by
rason of laving England and coniin' here—and mighty could, no doubt, he was
on the journey—be praised he's safe—the boy, sir, was thinkin', masther dear, it
was nothing but their duty, and what was due to the family, to ax your honour's
opinion about their takin' the smallest taste of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking

nis riverence's Masther Richard's health, and"- " Success to him ! " shouted

the chorus at the door. "That's it!" said the masther. " And nothing but
it!" responded the chorus. "Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and give them
anything in dacenry!" "Hurrah! smiling good luck to you, for ever and
afther ! " " That'll do, boys ! but stay : it's Terence Conway's wedding night—
it's a good tenant he's been to me—take the sup down there, and you'll get a
dance ; now be off, you devils ! "

" Many thanks to your honour! " chorused the delighted group ; and " I done
that iligant, anyhow," muttered the gratified, successful, and, therefore, forgiving
orator. " I'll try again. Ahem! wouldn't the young gentlemen just step
down for a taste?" "By all manes ! " was chimed at once; their hats were
mounted in a moment, and off they set.

Terence Conway's farm was soon reached ; the barn affording the most accom-
modation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for the occasion. It was nearly
full, as Terence was a popular man—one that didn't grudge the " bit and sup,"
and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and hearty were the cheers
of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons of their beloved landlord passed the
threshold. The appearance of the " stranger" was received with no such demon-
strations of welcome; on the contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after
broken by suppressed and angry murmurs. These were somewhat appeased by
one of the sons introducing his " cousin," and endeavouring to joke the peasants
into good-humour, by laughingly assuring them his " reverence" was but a bad
drinker, and would not deprive them of much of the poteen ; then passing his
arm through the parson's, he led the way, as it afterwards turned out, rather
unfortunately, to the top of the barn, and there, followed by his brothers, they
took their seatB.

The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this moment
attracted the entire attention of the party, during which time Tim Carroll
elbowed his way to the place where his master was seated, and calling him
partially aside, whispered, " Master John, dear, tell his riverence, Master
Richard, to go."

"What for?"

" Sure, is not he entirelv in black 1"
" Well, what of it 1 "

_" What of it ? Houly Paul ! the likes o' that! If my skin was as hard as a
raiser s heart, I wouldn't put it into a black coat, and come to a wedding in it;
tt b the devu's owu bad omen, and nothing else !"

"You are right ! What a fool I was not to tell Dick ! Cousin, a word ! "
Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an active part,

ancl

peasantry. He suddenly broke from them, and hastening to the Protestant
clergyman, grasped his hand, and, shaking it heartily, wished him " health, long
life, and happiness :" and lifting a tumbler of punch to his lips, drank off ncarlj
half its contents, exclaiming the customary, " God save ail here !" He then
presented the liquor to the stranger, saying in a low earnest voice, " Drink that
toast, sir '."

This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the young man's
unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of his utterance had a singular effect
upen the more turbulent; the priest passed rapidly from the one to the other,
and endeavoured to say something pleasant to all, but, despite his attempts at
calmness, he was evidently ill at case,

Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master.

" The hoys mane harrum, sir," said Tim ; " but never mind, there's five of us
here. We've not been idle, we've all been taking pick o' the sticks, and divil a
stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout showing a bruck head or
a flat back for it."

" What am I to understand by this?" inquired the young stranger.

" That you're like Tom Fcrgusson when he rode the losing horse—you've
mounted the wrong colour; and, be dad, you arc pretty well marked down for
it, *ir; but never mind, there's Tim Carroll looking as black as the inside of a,
sut-bag. Let him come on ! he peeled the skin off them shins o' mine at fut-
ball; maybe, I won't trim his head with black thorn for that same, if he's any
wavs obetropolis this blessed night."

" Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor s?crcd calling will allow me to coun-
tenance a broil! I have been the first offender—to attempt to leave the room
now would but provoke an attack ; leave this affair to me, aud don't interfere."

" By the powci'6 ! if man or mortal lift3 his hand to injure you. I'll smash the
soul out of him ! Do you think, omen or no omen, I'll stand by and see you
harmed ?—not a bit of it ! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I have the
honour tc be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your cause."

Maugre the pacific tone of toe unfortunatcly-accoutcrcd ecclesiastic, there was
something of defiance in his flashing eye and crimson cheek, as he turned his
brightening glance upon what might almost be called the host of his foes; and
the nervous pressure which returned the grasp of his cousin's sinewy hand, spoke
something more of readiness for battlo than could have been gathered from hi»
expressed wishes.

" If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is weak—excuse what I
may fee] compelled to do ; but for the present, pray oblige mc by keeping yout
seat and the peace ; or, if you must move and fidget about, go aud make that
pugnacious Tim Carroll as decent as you can."

" I'll be advised by you, Dick : but look out!" So saying, the stalwart young
officer bustled his way to the uproarious Tim.

It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that moment a
tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted bis stick, and after giving
it the customary twirl aimed a point-blank blow at the head of the ill-omened
parson. The bound of an antelope brought the girl to the spot ; her bmall hand
averted the direction of the deadly weapon, and before the action iiad been per-
ceived by any present, or the attempt could be resumed, she dropped a curtc6y t&
the assailant, and in a loud voice, with an affected laugh, exclaimed—

"You, if you plaisc, sir;" and, turning quickly to the fiddler, continued :
"Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir; but, good Ittck to you, be quick, or we
won't have a dance to-night!"

" Clear the floor !—a dance ! a danco !" shouted every one.
In a few seconds the angry bcowl had passed from the flushed checks of Dan
Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double shuffling, and cutting it over
the buckle, to the admiration of all beholders. The bride was seated ncai the
stranger—he perceived this, aud suddenly quitting his place, danced up to bcr,
and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited her to join him. She was ever
light of foot, and, as she said afterwards, " would have danced her life out but
she'd give the poor young gentleman a chance." Long and vigorously did Dan
Sheeny advance,retire, curvcttc, and caper. The whiskey and exertion at length
overcame him, and he left the lady sole mistress of the door. By this time mur-
murs had again arisen, and all eyes wcro turned upon the intruder, who had been
intently engaged observing the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which ho
had been celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so strongly-
interested him, that he was absorbed in tho pleasure of witnessing the activity
and joyousness of the performers. Ho turned his head for an instant—a heavy
hand was laid upon his shoulder. On bis starting up, he saw nothing but tiie
smiling Norah pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and curtseying him a challenge
to join her " on the floor." He paused for a moment, then gaily taking her hand,,
advanced with her to the centre. All eyes wcro bent upon them, but there was
no restraint in the young parson's manner. The most popular jig-tune was called
for—to it they went; bis early-taught and well-practised feet beat living echoes
to the most rapid bars. A foot of ground seemed ample space for all the intricate
compilation of the raal Conamcra " capers." Tho tunc was changed again and
again ; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its varying sounds : to-
use a popular phrase, you might have heaid a pin drop. Every mouth was closed,
every eye fixed upon his rapid feet; and, when at length wearied with csertion,
the almost fainting girl was falling to the earth, her gallant partner caught her m
his arms, and, like an infant, bore her to the open air, one loud and general cheer
burst from their unclosed lipsj; a few moments restored the pretty lass to perfect
health. Her first words were, " Leave me, sir, and save yourself." It was too
late ; borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit of sables
(now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the crimson kerchief tho young
bride bound round his neck), he was soon seated in the chair of honour, and there,
surrounded by his friends, finished the night the " lion of the dance." Aud thus it

speaking rapidly tmd earnestly m their i^uive tongue U> the evidently excited was that bi3 " Rercrcnos's heels took steps te preserve his head."—Fussos