Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

BERNARDCAVAKAGH

and the poor law commissioners.

It is not generally known that the ahove gentleman has been offi-
cially engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons, to
put his principles into practice throughout the whole of the Unions
in the United Kingdom.

Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything
approaching the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be
obliged, by a brief detail of this gentleman's early life and habits, to
divest the present phenomenon of much of its apparent wonder ami
romance.

Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many
sleepless nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile
intimations that fasting at that time was no part of his system. He
progressed rapidly in his powers of consumption, and was indeed a
child of

A fl'll habit

or, as his nurse expressed it, he was a/waist good for three rounds at

only proves the truth of the theory, but enables B. C. to recommend
as the safest dish in the carte.

for weak stomachs and very small imaginations

D'Israeli (Ben)—breakfast of? the " Wondrous Tale of Alroy."
Bulwer—lunch on " Siamese Twins." ,
Stephens—dine off " The Hungarian Daughter."

Heraud—tea off " The Deluge,"—sup off the whole Minerva Library.
N.B.—None of the above will bear the slightest dilution.

for delicate digestions, andlimited understandings,perusals op

'' World of Fashion."
Lord John Russell's " Don Carlos."
Montgomery's " Satan" (very good as a devil).
"Journal of Civilization."

Any of F. Chorley's writings, Robins' advertisements, or poetry relating
to Warren's Jet Blacking.

for mental bolters

Ainsworth's " Jack Sheppard."
Harmer's "Weekly Dispatch."
"Newgate Calendar.''

" Terrific Register," " Frankenstein," &c. &c. &c.

The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B. C.'s plan, furnished and
approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are credibly informed
that the same enlightened gentleman is at present making arrange-
ments with Sir Robert Peel for the total repeal of the use of bread
by all operatives, and thereby tranquillising the present state of excite-
ment upon the corn-law question ; proving bread, once erroneously
considered the staff of life, to be nothing more than a mere ornamental
opera cane.

SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.

Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and J\folly Brmen.

The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly ineligible as a
bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for one of those receptacles
in which defunct mortals progi ess to "that bourne from whence no traveller
returns." Fancy the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief, and grief is tragical.

breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon, anything but bad at j MaiT Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves, turning faintly from the
dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder), and very consistent at
supper.

'•Reverse of fortune changes friends"—reverse of circumstances,
alas! too often changes feeds!—pecuniary disappointments brought
on a reduction of circumstances—reduction of circumstances occa-
sioned a reduction of meals, and the necessity for such reduction
being very apparent to a philosophic mind, engendered a reduction
of craving for the same. Perhaps nothing could have proved more
generally beneficial than the individual misfortunes of Mr. Bernard
Cavanagh, which transferred him to one of those Elysiums of brick
and mortar, the I; Poor Law Union."' Here, as he himself expresses
it, the fearful fallacies of his past system were made beautifully appa-
rent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the infinitesimal
process, so benevolently advocated and regularly prepared, that one
step more was all that was necessary to arrive at dietary perfectibility.
That step he took, it being simply, instead of next to nothing, to live
on nothing at all; and now, such was his opinion of the condiments i and it cried—
supplied, lie declares it to be by far the pleasantest of the two. " ' I he's Giles Scroggins' ghost.' "

It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh's powers of j * Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this visitation from the
abstinence have their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he confesses wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death has indeed parted them. Giles is-

untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring to the virtuous couch, whereonT
with aching heart, the poet asserts she, the said

"Poor Molly, laid her down to weep ;"

and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences, when—

" She cried herself quite fast asleep,"
Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted " to her stream-
ing eyes," inflamed lids, dishevelled locks, and bursting sigh, as satisfactory evi-
dences of the truth of her broken-heaitedness, but the "great anonymous" of
whom we treat, scorns the application of such external circumstances as agents-
whereby to depict the intenseness of the passion of the ten thousand condensed
tunic-doves glowing in the bosom of his heroine. Sleep falls upon her eves j
but the " life of death," the subtle essence of the shrouded soul, the watch-
ful sentinel and viewless evidence of immortality, the wild and flitting air-
wrought impalpabiliiies of her fitful dicaais, still haunt her in her seething hoHrs-
of rest. Fancy her feelings—

" When, standing fast by her bed-post,
A figure tall her sight engross'd,''

to be "the case, his great admiration for fasting having arisen from the
circumstance of his frequently seeing the process of manufacturing
the pauper gruel, which sight filled him with most intense yearnings
to hit upon some plan by which, as far as he was concerned, he might
for ever avoid any participation in its consumption.

That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh ! favours us with the
following practical account of his system; by which he intends,
through the means of enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a superfluity—

1 i ...... r ^ » vii, muiM, \yu fiftJi >*ini utv.

luncheons, inutilities—dinners, dreadful extravagancies—teas, mi- All to the'grave, your love to cool

quitous wastes—and suppers, supper-erogatories. Wc have no doubt this assumption 'of command on the part of the ghost—an

Mr. B. C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or warning, j assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by the living Giles—gave

of all the cooks, and substitution of the like number of Ciceros; \ rise to some unpleasant reflections in the mind of the slumbering Molly. Must

thereby affording a more ample mental diet, as the followers will is certainly an awkward word. Tell any lady that she must do this, or must do

cold, but still his love is warm ! He loved and won her in life — he hints at a
light of possession in de-'.th ; and this very foigetfulness of what he teas, and
what he is, is the best evidence of the overwhelming intensity of his passion. He
continues (with a beautiful reliance on the faith and living constancy of Molly,
in reciprocation, though dead, of his deathless attachment) to offer her a share,
not of his bed and hoard, but of his shell and shroud. There is somewhat of the
imperative in the invitation, which runs thus :—

" The ghost it said so solemnly,

Oh, Molly, you must go with me,

be served out with orations instead of rations. For the proper excite-
ment of the necessary enthusiasm, he submits the following Menial
Bill of Fare :—

for strong stomachs and weak intellects i-

Feargus O'Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.
Mr. Vincent.

Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce—very fine, if not pitched too strong.

N.B.—In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the Times may
be resorted to as an antidote.

Daniel O'Connell—whose successful practice of the exciting and fasting,
or rather, starving system, among the rent contributors in Ireland, not

that, and, however much her wishes may have previously prompted the proceed-
ing, we feel perfectly satisfied, that on the very shortest notice she will find an
absolute and undeniable reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to
the line of conduct she will, and therefore ought to, adopt.

With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet purposely uses the
above objectionable word. How could he do otherwise, or how more effectually,
and less offensively, extricate Molly Brown from the unpleasant tenantry of the
proposed under-ground floor? Command invariably begets opposition, opposition,
as certainly leads to argument. So proves our heroine, who, with a beautitui
evasiveness, delivers the following expostulation :—

•• Says »he, " 1 am noi dead, you fool ! '"
One would think that was a pretty decent clinches, by way of a reator, fbl