Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

278 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A LETTER FROM AN OLD FRIEXD,

showing how hk is getting on.

M\- dear Punch, Clodpole, Dec. 23, 18-11.

Here I am, you sec, keeping Christmas, and having no end of fun
amongst the jolly innocent grubs that vegetate in these rural districts.
All I regret is that you arc not here. I would give a ten-pound note
to see you, if I had it;--I would, indeed—so help me several strong , rohvivhd^

Yule log with an old trephine, anil ram it cliuck-full of gunpowder;
and Jack's little brother is to catch six or seven frogs, under pain of a
severe licking, which are to be put into one of the vegetable dishes.
The old girl has ncr two nieces home for the holidays—devilish hand-
some, larky girls—so we have determined to take some mistletoe, and
give a practical demonstration of the action of the orbicularis oris and
icvalorcs labicc. su]jcrioris cL infevioris. If cither of them have got any
tin, I shall try and get all right with them ; but if the brads don't
flourish I shall leave it alone, for a wife is just the worst piece of fur-
niture a fellow can bring into his house, especially if he inclines to

man and a steam-engine! as part of his stock in trade, to be taken at a fair valuation amidst his

We had a great night in London before I started, onlv I got rascally stopple-bottles, mortars, measures, anil pill-rollers,
screwed : not exactly sewed up, you know but hit under the wing, so , 1 f' business docs not tumble in well, in the course of a few weeks, we

;« i. , , , , , , . ; , have another plan in view; but I only wish to resort to it on emer-

that I could not very well fly. 1 managed to break the window on the j ge,icyi in casc we shoukl be foutul out'. The raiKvay passes at t].£,

third-floor landing of my lodgings, and let my water-jug fall slap
through the wash-hand basin upon a looking-glass that was lying face
upwards underneath ; but as I was off early in the morning it did not

bottom of my garden, and Jack thinks, with a few pieces of board, he

can contrive to run the engine and tender off the line, which is upon a

tolerably high embankment, i need not tell you all this is in strict

! confidence; and if the plan does not jib, which is not very probable,
signify. | will bring

lots of grist to the mill. 1 have put the engineer and stoker
The people down here are a queer lot; but I have hunted up two at a sure guinea a head for the inquest; and the concussions in the
or three jolly cocks, and we contrive to keep the place alive between second class will be of unknown value. If practicable, I mean to have
□8. Of course, all the knockers came ofFthe first night I arrived, and an elderly gentleman "who must not be moved under any con-

,. , it_ r r , . , sideration ; " so 1 shall set him into my house for the term of his

to-morrow we are going to climb out upon the root ol rav abode, and •■ ■ , • i -ui i i r i •

to D 1 ' indisposition, winch may yiossiblv be a verv long one. i can srive him

make a tour along the tops of the neighbouring houses, putting turfs
on the tops of all the practicable chimneys. Jack llandall—such a
jolly chick! you must be introduced to him—has promised to tie a
cord across the pavement at the corner, from the lamp-post to a door-
scraper ; and we have made a careful estimate that, out of every half-

up my own bedroom, and sleep myself m an old harpsichord, which I
bought cheap at a sale, and disembowelled into a species of deceptive
bed. I think the hint might put '' people about to marry'hip to a
dodge in the way of spare beds. Everybody nowr sees through the old
chiffonier and wardrobe turn-up impositions, but the grand piano would
beat them ; only it should be kept locked, for fear any one given to

dozen people who pass, six will fall down, four cut their faces more or ; harmony might commence playing a fantasia on the bolster
less arterially, and two contuse their foreheads. 1, you may imagine, ! Our parishioners have very little idea of die Cider-cellars and Coal

shall wait at home all the evening for the crippled ones, and Jack is to
go halves in what I get for plastering them up. Wc may be so lucky

hole, both of which places they take in their literal ser.se. I dunk
that, with Jack's assistance, we can establish something of the kind at
the Swan, which is the principal inn. should it not succeed, I shall

as to procure a case of concussion—who knows ? Jack is a real friend : ; turn my attention to getting up a literary and scientific institution,

he cannot be of much use to me in the way of recommendation. and give a lecture. I have not yet settled on what subject, but Jack

because the people here think he is a little wild ; but as far as seriously | ™lf for Astronomy, for two reasons : firstly, because the room is

. . . . ... , , . . .... , " ! dark nearly all the time; and secondly, because you can smug :n some

injuring the parishioners goes, he declares he will lose no chance. He . ^ of half_and.half be!lind the transparent orrery, lie says the

says he knows some gipsies on the common who have got scarlet-fe\er tlissolving views in London put him up to the value of a dark exhibi-

in their tent; and he is going to give them half-a-crown if they can
bring it into the village, to be paid upon the breaking out of the first
undoubted case. This will fag the Union doctor to death, who is my
chief opponent, and 1 shall come in for some of the private patients.

tion. We also think we can manage a concert, which will be sure ot
a good attendance if we say it is for some parish charity. Jack has
volunteered a solo on the eornet-a-piston : he nas never tried the
instrument, but he says he is sure he can play it, as it looks remarkably
easy hanging up in the windows of the music-shops. He thinks one

My surgery is not very well stocked at present, but I shaM write to might drill the children and get up the Macbeth music
Ansell and Hawke after Christmas. I have got a pickle-bottle full of ' l} ,is ^rning ver>' col<l to-night, and 1 think w ill turn to a fVos i

-1,111 Jack 'ias thrown some wa^cr on the pavement ocfore rav door ; and

liquorice-powder, which has brought me in a good deal already, and shoukl it freeze> l have givcu gtrict 0Kjejs t0 Inv oJ(1 housekeeper not

assisted to perform several wonderful cures. I administer it in | to strew any ashes, or sand, o- sawdust, or any similar rubbish about.

powders, two drachms in six, to be taken morning, noon, and night;
and it appears to be a valuable medicine for young practitioners, as
you may give a large dose, without producing any very serious effects.
Somebody was insane enough to send to me the other night for a pill
and draught; and if Jack Randall had not been there, I should have
been regularly stumped, having nothing but Epsom salts. He cut a
glorious calomel pill out of pipeclay, and then we concocted a black-
draught of salts and bottled stout, with a little patent boot-polish.
Next day, the patient finding himself worse, sent for me, and I am
trying the exhibition of linseed-meal and rose-pink in small doses,
under which treatment he is gradually recovering. It has smce struck
me that a minute portion of sulnhurie acid enters into the composition
of the polish, possibly causing the indisposition which he describes
"as if he was tied all up in a double-knot, and pulled tight."

I have had one case of fracture in the leg of Mrs. Finkey's Italian
greyhound, which Jack threw a flower-pot at in the dark the other
night. I tied it up in two splints cut out of a clothes-peg in a manner
which I stated to be the most popular at the Hotel Dieu at Paris; and
the old girl was so pleased that she has asked me to keep Christmas-
day at her house, where she burns the Yule log, makes a bowl of
wassail, and ad manner of games. We are going to bore a hole in the

People's bones are very brittle in frosty weather, and this may bring
a job. 1 hope it will.

Jf, in your London rambles, as yen seem to be every where at once,
you pitch upon Manhug, l!app, or Jones, give my lne to them, and
tell them to keep their powder dry, and not to think of practising in
the country, which is after all a species of social suicide. And with
the best compliments of the season to yourself, and " through the
medium of the columns of your valuable journal" to your readers,
believe me to remain,

My dear old beau,

Yours very considerably,

Josmm Muff.

THE SECRET SORROW

Oh ! let me from the festive board i There teas a word of kind .uh ire—

To thee, my mother, flee ; A whisper, soft and iuw ;

And be my secret sorrow shared ! But oh ! that one resistless smile!

By thee—br only thee .' Alas ! why was it so ?

In vain they spread the glittring I No hlarne, no blame, my mother dear,

store,

The rich repast, in vain ;
Let others seek enjoyment there,
To me 'tis only pain.

Do I impute to you.
But since I at3 that currant tart
I don't know wtiar to ao i