2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A RAILROAD NOVEL

Dkar Punch,—I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat
in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young
gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his
travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the full
regulation size., and with intense interest commence the first volume at the
title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away started our
train, whizz, bang, iike a flash of lightning through a butter-firkin. I en-
deavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as we passed, but the
attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as we shot by it,
seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by Boxnioor, Tring, and
Aylesbury—I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking a pinch of snuff
—lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely
time to say, " God bless us," till I found we had reached Birmingham.
Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my reading companion
could have made in his book during our rapid journey, and to devise plans
for the gratification of persons similarly situated as my fellow-traveller.
" Why," thought I, " should literature alone lag in the age of steam ? Is
there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or bolt
Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an auction bill ? "
Suddenly a happy thought struck me : it was to write a novel, in which
only the actual spirit of the narration should be retained, rejecting all ex-
pletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech ; to be terse and
abrupt in style—use monosyllables always in preference to polysyllables—
and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose names contain more than four
letters. Full of this idea, on my returning home in the evening, I sat to
my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat,
portable volumes ; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the
advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable ease, in
the time occupied by the railroad train running from London to Birmingham.

I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writ-
ing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-
cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may " read as they run." Fiddlers
at the theatres, duiing the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by
my invention ; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation,
[ shall instantly apply for a patent.

Specimen.

CLARE GREY:

a novel.

"Brief let me be."

London : Printed and Published for the Author.
1841.

vol. i.

Clare Grey—Sweet girl—Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, &c.
—Tom Lee—Young, gay, but poor—Loved Clare madly—Clare loved Tom

ditto—Clare's pa' rich, old. cross, cruel, &c—Smelt a rat—D--d Tom,

and swore at Clare—Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars—Love's schemes
—Biltet-dou.r from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, crammed
with vows, love, despair, hope—Answer (pencil and curl-paper), slipped
through key-hole—Full of hope, despair, love, vows—Tom serenades—
Bad cold—Rather hoarse—White kerchief from garret-window—" 'Tis
Clare ! 'tis Clare ! "—Garden-wall, six feet high—Love is rash—Scale the
wall—Great house-dog at home—Pins Tom by the calf—Old Hunk's roused
— Fire ! thieves ! guns, swords, and rushlights—Tom caught—Murder,
burglary—Station-house, gaol, justice—Fudge !—Pretty mess—Hejgho I —
'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.—Sweet Clare Grey !—Seven pages of sentiment—
Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart—Pshaw !—Never mind—

* rHINGS mav take another TURN."

vol. ii.

"Adieu, my native land," &c.—D. I. O.—"We part to meet again"—
Death or glory—Red coat—Laurels and rupees in view—Yows of constancy,
eternal truth, &c.—Tom swells the brine with tears—Clare wipes her eyes
in cambric—Alas! alack ! oh! ah !—Fond hearts, doomed to part—Cruel
fate !—Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.—Tom in battle—Cut, slash,
dash—Sabres, rifles—Round and grape in showers—Hot work—Charge !—
Whizz—Bang !—Flat as a Flounder—Never say die—Peace—Sweet sound
—Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eye—Half-pay—Home—
Huzza !—Swift gales—Post-horses—Love, hope, and Clara Grey—

" l'd be k butterfly," (X.C.
vol. hi.

' Here we are!"—At home ouce more—Old friends and old faces_Must

be changed—Nobody knows him —Church bells ringing—Inquire cause—(?)
—Wedding—Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker—Brain whirls
—Eyes start from sockets—Devils and hell— Clare Grey, the fond, constant,
Clare, a jilt ?—Can't be—No go—Stump up to church—Too true—Clare
just made Mrs. Snooks—Madness ! ! rage !!! death ! ! ! !—Tom's crutch at
work—Snooks floored—Bridesman settled—Parson bolls—Clerk mizzles—
Salts and shrieks—Clare in a swoon—Pa' in a funk—Tragedy speech—
Love! vengeance! and damnation !—Half an ounce of laudanum—Quick
speech—Tom unshackles his wooden pin—Dies like a hero—Clare pines
in secret—Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin—Poor Tom
and Clare ! they now lie side by side, beneath

"a weeping will-oh!''

LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP

We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood,
which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers : —
MR. T. HOOD, Professor of Punmanshi?,

Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the
acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-mil-
lerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short and
mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin two
conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.

copy.

"The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of
Mr. T. Hood :—

" Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which
children are affected?

" A. Because it's a new pink off (an hooping-cough).

" This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T.
Hood :—

" Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more o(
an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man ?

" A. Because the one is for-getting, and the other for-giving."

N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular,
will find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.

Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will \h
suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
also a few second-hand Lon mots which he can offer a bargain.

*** a good l alt, ser wa.nted.