Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE PROBABLE CONTENTS 0? THE NEXT NUMBER OF
" THE METROPOLITAN."


A tabs.e of contents.
Savehiscuog, Chapter xlix.. by Rajah Bah aw Poohh Pshaw.
The Autobiography of a Chinchilli Muff.
" The Man who couldn't whistle."
Sonnet upon the Prince of Wales' cutting his first tooth,—Vj Madame
Elizabeth deS******; the early companion and constant housekeeper,
for fifteen years, of the late Queen Caroline. [Simms.
Letters from the Vale of Health to a cousin at Kamschatka, by Zarah
The Kidney Supper, by Horace Hogg, Esq., Gentleman-at-Arms.
Lines, upon seeing Sir Edward Lytton Bulwer knock the ashes off
his cigar.
" Sours," by the authoress of " Sweets."
Frederick the Fearless; or the Web of Destiny—A Tragedy, Act V.,
by Bianca Boozeweli.
The Literary Ladies of Lushanswill.
Sonnet, on a moulting Sparrow, by Mrs. Robins de Robiusone.
The Daisy Paddock, by Lady Faulder.
The Pass at Higiigate, by the author of the " Pump at Aldgate."
The Revelations of a Charwoman, by " One who liaseen a great deal of
Service."
The Works of Sir E. L. Bulwer.
Reviews. (" Eva," « Zanoni," « The last of the Barons," &c. &c.)

gentlemen could open their mouths without contributing something to the
national resources ! If Peel, Stanley, and Graham were to be fined for
every contradiction they are now giving to all their former assertions,
what a glorious fund would be ?ollected from these three members only !
Then do see, Mr. Punch, what a golden harvest might be reaped from
the silly answers and silly speeches delivered in the House. Again, Mr.
Punch, as to the " lie •"—« One who had been a courtier," tells us that a
" lie " has seven distinct parts, viz,—1st, The retort courteous ; 2nd, The
quip modest ; 3rd, The reply churlish ; 4th, The reproof valiant ; 5th,
The countercheck quarrelsome ; 6th, The lie circumstantial; and 7th.
The lie direct. A very slight review of the proceedings in Parliament,
and of the conduct of members there, would be sufficient to snow what an
enormous revenue might be derived from these sources.
I am, Mr. Punch, your humble servant.
Abel Handt.

Jttatrimom'al jftftarfect ant: Courting Intelligence.
(not from the times.)
But little business has been doing since our last, and terms may be
considered a trifle easier; for really good and useful descriptions ther^
has been some demand ; which demand, though far from great, has
exceeded the supply, so that these cannot be quoted at lower prices.
Ready-furnished houses, with or without small annuities, have been
freely offered, and in some instances accepted ; but cash terms seem
generally preferred, as it prevents many mistakes and much disappoint-
ment. Papas, bachelor uncles, and maiden aunts, not always cutting
up as expected.
In ordinary descriptions there is nothing doing, and prices nominal.
All are eagerly looking forward to the results of the Christmas flirtations,
when, unless things assume a livelier appearance, thousands of our fellow-
creatures will have to sigh away their lives in perpetual celibacy.
In the Foreign Market, although things are d ill at present, owing to
the Colonial Market being overdone and the Australian in bad repute, yet
it is confidently expected that a reaction will shortly take place, in conse-
quence of our late successes in the East. Chinamen (to whom Providence
BUNS. allows two, a privilege of which they seldom avail themselves) will no
. , , T ' , , . doubt gladly avail themselves of our superfluity; whilst Affghanistau
Among the numerous productions of London may be reckoned a species ff & unlimited market, numbers being no object-provided the ladies

of vegetable, called Buns ; they partake also of a mineral nature, as frag
ments of stone, called " grit," are frequently found in them.
Naturalists having occasionally (very rarely) observed a sort of ossifica-
tion resemblinga currant upon the surface of the bun, were led to undertake
a mining speculation, for the discovery of any of these curiosities which
might by chance be concealed in the bowels ; but after a deal of trouble
and great outlay of capital, the specimens were found so rare and so
inferior in quality, that they did not reward the trouble of searching for
them, and the enterprise was relinquished.
In the centre of these buns is described a circle, and the outer surface
is divided into a number of mathematical sections, forming together a
mathematical problem, which it would puzzle Euclid to solve.
Buns are commonly divided into three classes, viz. Bath or twopennv,
penny, and halfpenny stale, which are principally u=--ed by the children of
the poorer population of the City, or by oppressed and poorly-paid
mechanics, who procure them while on their way to their morning labour.
It has been asserted that they derive some sustenance from them, but
this is much doubted by geologists, and it is generally believed that they
are only of service in sharpening their teeth for the almost equally dry
morsel of bread which constitutes their breakfast, owing to the grinding
parsimony of their employers.
To these three classes may be added a kind known by the name of
" Chelsea,'' this species having, it is said, been first discovered in that
locality. These are in the form of a "many-folded " serpent, with its tail
in its mouth, and are sometimes used as the emblem of eternity, which
simile is not inapt, as it takes a prodigious time to get through them.

are approved of. There has been a proposal for

A PROPOSITION FOR INCREASING THE REVENUE.
Dear Punch,—I am that ingenious financier alluded to by Sir Robert
Peel in the last session of Parliament, who had proposed to him a plan
for increasing the national revenue by a tax upon umbrellas and piano-
fortes. The income tax, however, was preferred to mine, and in conse-
quence the country has been reduced to a state of utter ruin.
I still wish to serve my native land, and with that view I have been
searching into the financial system of ancient days. In the early records
<>t the Exchequer, 1 find that one Ralph Fitzroger was amerced for
" saying a. thing which he afterwards contradicted ; " Stephen de Mire-
flet, for "a silly nswer ; " Henry, the Dean, and many others, for "a
silly speech ; " Gilbert de Henley, for " telling a lie."
What think you, Mr. Punch, of a revival of these amerciaments, which
will enable us to attain the double object of replenishing the Exchequer
and enforcing morality ?—Let us commence with the members of the
House of Commons in the present session. How few of the honourable


exploring the polar regions.

Svamattc pcfoS.
We sent a reporter to see Van Amburgh & Co. at his own expense,
but he cannot recollect what " Aslar and Ozines " is about ; some-
body said it was about the most incomprehensible affair he ever saw.
We have purchased and perused one of the play-bills, which is very inte-
resting. Miss Pittifer enacts " a Roman maiden attendant on the prin-
cesses with Songs." Mr. S. Weeny sings two popular melodies iu the
style of Rubiui, accompanying himself on a frying-pan. M. Aymor throws
" back somersaults from feet to feet." Mile. Camille Leroux appears as
" The Star or Floating Scarf;" and Mr. L. J. North, " the Star Rider
of America, appears in his Flight of Fancy," which " Flivht of Fancy'
consists of the bodily act of balancing himself on his nose, whilst his horse
is at full speed.

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