Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

73

Vol. 5.

dragon, to which Hercules proved himself a St. George. He slew the
monster and stole the apples. Another account states that he got Atlas
(of that ilk) to commit the theft, and did him afterwards out of the boot)-.
But since, in the same narration, it is averred, that, while Atlas was doing
the larceny, Hercules supported the heavens for him on his shoulders,
this story must be regarded as being, in every sense of the phrase, an
instance of what is called in the vernacular " coming it strong."

The English Hesperides included other western people besides western
maids. They mostly resided in a part of the west which was commonly
called the Wes-t End. They were known by various denominations,
whereof the principal were the " exclusive circles," and the " tlite of ton."
Their Gardens were chiefly " Spring Gardens " and " May Fair ; " but
they had also other Gardens of broad acres in many a district of fair
England. The fruit of these Gardens was golden ; that is. it was the
fruit of gold. Some of it was good to eat, and very good ; consisting^
indeed, of fish, flesh, and fowl of the best ; a good deal of it, too, was
drinkable, true " aurum potabile," in the species of wines and liqueurs,
which, could the ancients have tasted them, would have made them think
decidedly small beer of Falernian. In short, it included all the luxuries
and comforts of this life, in as far as they were procurable by money.

The exclusiveness of these Gardens was maintained by a variety of
ingenious devices, and was practically enforced, not by a dragon, but by a
degraded sort of human creatures, who bore externally a great resemblance
to the monkey race, and were fantastically arrayed in garments of divers
•colours, red, and yellow, and green, and blue. Their attire displayed a
•great profusion of gold and silver hat-bands, buttons, buckles, shoulder-

•oiots, and other decorations of the badge class, seemingly intended as
marks of ignominy, which appearance was strengthened by the circum-
stance that their heads were besmeared with a mixture of an unctuous
•substance, called pomatum, with a white dust or powder. It was much
in this way that a man was wont to disfigure his person when he played
the fool or Merry-Andrew on the stage. However, these fellows were
absolutely proud of their shame ; and they were constantly to be seen, the
very pictures of vanity and conceit, standing at the portals of the "exclu-
sive circles," to prevent the entrance of all those who were not, in the
language of the persons so called, who thought it finer than English, of
the " gens comme ilfaut."

To obtain the golden fruit of the Hesperides, for the benefit of the
public in general, was the endeavour and the work of Hercules. He was
uont to repair, of a fine afternoon in June and July, to a place of public
resort, nigh unto the region of that people, which was denominated
(without any allusion, as some fable, to apples) Rotten Row. There
would he contemplate the Hesperides, displaying the fruit, and arrayed

the flowers of their Gardens, to the great irrigation of the mouth, and
excitement of the envy of Penury and Want, who, regarding the raree-
show with eager eyes, cursed their own ill destinv, and coveted their
neighbours' goods.

Now Hercules did not approve of this infringement of the decalo,

)jue,

but he allowed that much indulgence was to be granted to a hungry belly
and tattered back. He considered, also, that a rather more general dis-
tribution of the Hesperidian fruit, if it could be peaceably effected, would
be desirable. For he could not but see that there was a superfluity of it
in the hands of its possessors, which, as though not knowing what to do
with it, they, as it were, threw away to the dogs, and principally to an
alien pack of hounds, whose only recommendation was that their yelping
was musical unto their ears.

Our hero had a discerning eye and taste for beauty ; and he could not
but gaze with much admiration on the fineness of form, grace of manner,
and happy placidity of countenance, which the feeding on their golden
fruit had, for the most part, conferred on the Hesperides. Nor did he
not regale his sight by contemplating the flowery luxuriance wherewith
their persons were decorated. But he considered that, had he still been
a mortal, and had he not known of a world where the souls of the heroes
repose among the happy immortals, in proportion as his spirit would havo
been elated, and his hopes encouraged by the sight of human nature in its
brightest guise, so would his aspirations have been checked, and his
heart chilled by the contemplation thereof, shrouded in the rags, and
defaced by the squalor and coarseness and degradation, of Poverty. He
felt, that, as the high-born, lofty-aired, gentle-seeming maiden, would have
appeared but a little lower than the angels, even so would the she-savage
of St. Giles's have seemed but dubiously above the brute. He reflected
that the costermonger -and the cabman would have well nigh put him
from his faith in humanity—ay, and in divinity, too ; that he would havo
been tempted to question if man, capable of such abasement, could possibly

have a soul to be
saved. He wished,
therefore, to com-
municate in somo
measure to ordinary
mortals the advan-
tages enjoyed by
the fortunate Hespe-
rides.

Some say that he
commenced his labour
to this end, by send-
ing Apollo and the
Graces abroad among
the people to cultivate
and tutor their minds
and to inspire them
with a longing after
the Hesperidian fruit.
But the truth is, that
he stalked forth him-'
self in the character
of the Schoolmaster,
diffusing knowledge,
and refinement, and
taste, throughout the
land, and using his
club as a rod where-
with to chastise igno-
rance, and rudeness
and vulgarity. Here-
by he annihilated se-
veral sorts and con-
ditions of men really
deserving the title of
the "lower classes"
by reason of their
brutishness and folly.

And now men's eyes began to be opened. Rank and title, by their very
possessors, were regarded as humbug ; and respect was entertained only
lor real worth. A general appetite for the Hesperidian fruit had been
created ; and all that now remained to be done, was to procure a due
distribution of it throughout society. Hercules might have broken into
the Gardens at once, and with the strong hand have stolen, taken, and
carried away the golden fruit: but he did no such thing. He merely
procured for their owners the liberty to sell them, or to bequeath them
to whomsoever they pleased—a boon which they themselves thankfully
accepted at the hands of the Legislature, their attempts still to maintain
their supremacy over the ascending many having plunged them deeply in
debt. Thus were their Gardens with the fruit of them gradually por-
tioned out among the nation.

In a short time the village-dance beneath the hawthorn was as graceful,
if not so showy, as an Almack's ball ; the Benefit Club as gentleman-like
an affair as the Travellers' or the Carlton. The English language was
everywhere spoken and pronounced in its purity. Business was trans-
acted over the counter with as much propriety of manner as at the Home
Office. The milliner took tea with the Duchess ; the Earl walked arm-in-
arm with his tailor. Every one respected, and nobody cringed, to his
fellow ; and the maxim " Honour all men" was at length universally
observed.