Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

181

CITY ELECTION.

The disgraceful conduct of the Returning Officer for the City of
London Election has been the subject of animadversive conversation
in our own particular circle. The manner in which our name has
Deen kept out of the poll list, savours of such shameful partiality,
that we shall move for a Parliamentary Enquiry into the matter
early in the ensuing Session. The following should have been the
*t»tement:—

nine o'clock.

Punch ...... 1,408

Pattison ..... 1,308

Baring ...... 1,042

At this hour we received the following note from Baring :—

" Dear Pcnch,—Would the Governor-Generalship of India be at all in
your way ! " Yours,

" Baking."

To which we replied :—

" Dear Bering,—We understand you ; but what is to become of the rest of
the universe't " Yours,

•' fflNCS"

two o'clock.

Punch ...... 5,930

Pattison . . . . . 5,820
Baring ...... 5,691

On this announcement being made to us, we pulled out our frill,
and were proceeding to the front of the husting to address the consti-
tuency, when a note, enclosed in an envelope of the most delicate
lace-work, was put into our hands by one of her Majesty's special
messengers. The royal billet ran as follows :—

" Dear Punchey—(We allow her Majesty a little familiarity)—As Peel can-
not get over a week of the next session, do not trouble yourself to continue the
present contest. We shall want you for Premier.

" Your gracious Mistress,

" Victoria."

•' Have you seen Albert's New Regulation Hat? If so, would you like to
have one? I think it would become you admirably.—Dinner at eight.

V. R."

What effect this gracious intimation had upon us may be gathered
from the

close or the poll.

Punch ...... Resigned.

Pattison . . . . . . 6,532

Baring ... ... 6,367

Majority . . . 165

THE MITRE A NIGHTCAP!

The other Sunday, Henry, Lord Bishop of Exeter, according
to the Western Timet, " took his seat upon his throne, drew the cur-
tains around him, and made all snug for meditation."—Dr. Cole-
ridge, of Thorverton, preached. At the conclusion of the homily,
the congregation, expecting the customary episcopal benediction, re-
mained sitting. A breathless pause ensued. All eyes were turned
towards the throne. Had anything happened to his Lordship ? The
verger crossed over, and timorously rapped with his mace. There
was another pause, broken by—a snore which proceeded from the
episcopal snuggery. The official knocked again, louder ; the response
was repeated, more sonorously. Another knock ; a downright whack :
and up jumped the Lord Bishop ; shook himself, and pronounced the
blessing. The Western Times infers that the Right Reverend Prelate
was asleep.

Now, whether this story is "a thing devised by the enemy," or not,
we do not know. Nor, supposing it to be true, do we know which
to blame, the Bishop or the Parson. Prelates are human ; narcotics
will affect the nervous system : and even episcopal vigilance must
yield to opium. Whether, therefore, Dr. Coleridge mesmerised
Bi8HOf Philpotts, or whether a voluntary dismissal of ideas pro-
duced this effect; or whether it was osving to a devout abstraction
of the mind from sublunary things, consummated in a holy trance ;
we are quite unable to say.

The supposed circumstance of a Bishop's sleeping in Church, to
have been published as a piece of news, must have been regarded as
something extraordinary—we doubt if it is so. An episcopal snore
in Church, certainly, is an uncommon acoustic phenomenon ; but
if Prelates do not sleep in the Church, certain questions that we
would ask, are not easily answerable. How came it that Christianity

was unknown in the mines and factories ! How was it that the extent
of destitution,metropolitan and provincial, has been but lately brought
to light ? How happened it that the first appeal on behalf of the,
houseless sleepers in Hyde Park to public charity was made by the
Times 9 Whence arose the sale of pews and sittings ? How is it that
the " superior classes " drive to church in their carriages, and leave :
their servants on the box outside ? Yerily, too many of their Lordships
must have been sleeping in the Church.

We cannot, however, condemn the Bishop of Exeter for his
imputed somnolency ; even assuming the accusation to be a true
bill. Homer sometimes nods ; when he is out of his element ; and
so may Bishop Philpotts. Who ever heard of his sleeping in the
House of Lords ? There, at least, the Right Reverend Father is
always " wide awake."

AN ORATION BY THE IRISH DEMOSTHENES.

(BEFORE THE PROCLAMATION.)

#free born Irishmen !—ah, no !—slaves ! We stand upon
a spot where, six hundred years ago, the green turf be-
neath our feet was purple with the blood of our fathers.
Fathers ? Oh. worse ! Mothers and their lovely
daughters. This blood was shed by the Saxons—by
those who are now longing to cut your throats. Oh !
do not think—do not dream of cutting theirs. There
would be an excuse lor you, a strong excuse, a mighty
great, an almost total excuse; but you would not be right—not quite
right. And what did the Saxons do when they had shed all this blood !
Tliey wrote the word " potatoes" with it.

Oh ! be calm—let me ask you to be calm. 1 see the lightning of indig-
nation flashing from your eyes. 1 hear the thunder of your ire. It shakes
heaven and earth ; and all the buttermilk turns sour. 1 tremble at what I
have said. I fear I have gone too far. I would not go too far for all the world.
Suppose,only suppose, you were to rush to Dublin, storm the Castle, and put
the slaves and despots in it to the sword—What should I do 1 1 do not know
what I should do. Oh ! shout, and say you will not do this if you can help
it. That shout satisfies me. If your endeavours to obtain justice should
longer be frustrated ; if we do not get Repeal by constitutional means ;
you might be driven to act as I have said. Mind, 1 only say, if—mark
that if" 7/you were so to act, Posterity would not blame you. Poste-
rity would say you vindicated your just rights. But I should blame you.
I am obliged to say 1 should blame you, although 1 should agree with
Posterity that you had vindicated your rights.

" Hereditary bondsmen, know ye not

Who would be free themselves must strike the blow'! "

But I am certain—that is, nearly certain—that you will not strike such a
blow. Oh, no ! you are too loyal to our gracious Queen. Hurrah, boys,
for the Queen ! Another cheer ! Yes ; we love our Queen. W e should not
love her if what she said of us in her speech from the Throne were not
the words of her Ministers. Three groans for the Ministers ! 1 wish
they could hear those groans. They are doing their utmost to drive us to
rebel. If we were to rebel, we might hurl the miscreants from power, and
secure our independence for ever. But let us not rebel—I should be very-
sorry if we were forced to rebel. One word more. Never iorget that
money is the sinews of—agitation; and let each contribution to the Repeal
fund exceed, if possible, the last.

ANOTHER.

(AFTER THE PROCLAMATION.;

Countrymen,—If you love me be aisy—keep within doors and be quiet.
Any one that speaks of repeal in a tone above a pig's whisper, is no friend
to ireland. For the love of the Lion of the Fold of Judah, and the Do\e
of Galway, and of—myself and the association—be quiet. Not that we
fear the Sax—no—I promised O Neil that I d not use that word any
more. Not that we fear the military gentlemen whom her gracious
Majesty has sent over for our protection—but I'm on bail recollect that,
Irishmen, I'm on bail !

Effects of Puseyism.

The progress of Tractarianism in the University has spread such alarm
at the west-end, that, at the suggestion of Sir Peter Laurie, a strong barrier
is to be erected to prevent Oxford-street from running into Newman-street.

An elderly maiden lady, in Essex, has imbibed such an extreme horror
of Popery, that she has renounced the Cardinal virtues.

Literary Reports.

It is rumoured that the Antiquarian Society is in treaty with A Merman
Gibbs for the publication of some parish accounts relating to St. Stephen,
Walbrook, of a very ancient date.

Lord William Lennox having heard of the celebrated " Tracts tor the
Times," is preparing " Tracts for the Mornina Chronicle."