Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

264

SECOND J5NEID op VIRGIL.

Sdnk was the sun,

The feast was done,

The stars rose twinkling one by one ;
The sounding harps were heard no more,
And Tolas' mystic song was o'er,

When .Eneas arose,—though you might before
Have heard a pin fall on the marble floor,

Such a thundering cheer,

With cries of " Hear, hear ! "

Burst from the company far and near,

That yEneas, poor man—having finisher! his can—
Blushed very much as he thus began :
" Unaccustomed—hem—no—

(I'm afraid that's no go.)
i mean to say that it ain't quite comme il funt
To talk of one's own gallant actions you know ;
The Queen on my right being anxious, however,
To hear the whole story, of course I '11 endeavour
To give her the tale, which I'm blow'd if I ever
Can tell without blubbing—although in my day
I've seen some tight work in the fisty-cuff way."

.(ENEAS' TALE.

" For ten rollingyearseachsucceedingonefound us
Cooped up in old Troy with the Grecians around us,
With nothing to do but to pray, and sing psalms,
A nd get frightened todeath with continued alarms,
While we starved at our leisure on donkey and rat,
To say nothing of shoe-leather, dips, and all that ;
And expect that at last, when compell'd to sur-
Ulysses, or somebody equally tender, [render,
Would string us all up round the wallsof our city,
(Those are just the dry jokes he considers so
When—strange to be said— [witty,)
When I got out of bed
One morning, the Grecians had cut it and fled !
O then there was joy in the streets of old Troy,
We heard no more blubbing and ototixtoi,
The gates were flung open, the merry bells rang,
The people huzza'd, and the cannons went bang !
We rushed to the shore, the proud Grecians were
gone.

We saw their encampments deserted and lone,
But they'd left—I suppose toatone for their loss—
lii the midst of their campamostwonderful Horse.
Struck with wonder we gazed, and surmised why
the deuce [use.

They had left us the brute, and what could be its
We wonder'd if they used to feed it on hay,
And if left to itself it would gallop away ;
And whether Ulysses had taken the saddle,
And if he was able to ride it a-straddle ;
And whether he rode it to cover; and if
It always was equally solemn and stiff-
When, hark ! a loud cry from the city close by
Made us jump, tho' we didn't exactly know why,
And out rush'd a messenger, running his hardest,
To tell us the people had taken a Chartist,
And didn't know whether to try him or kill him,
Though some of the hungriest wanted to grill him,
And swore that they thought they could manage
to dine

Off cold Spy, and a glass of Falernian wine—-
But just then from his palace the worthy old Priam
Toddled out, and declai'ed that they'd better first
try him.

The people obey'd, and slunk, hungry and cross,
To their homes, or to look at the wonderful Horse.
And thus spoke King Priam : ' Young man, if
you don't

Give me and my people a faithful account
Of yourself, and your object in coming to Troy,
We'll roast you alive and then eat you. my boy ;
So now for your story—be quick—if you don't,
I'll skin you myself—I'll be hang'd if I wont !'

The Spy first coughed to clear his throat,
And wiped his nose on the sleeve of his coat,
Then told us how the Greeks had got
Excessively tired—as how should they not ?—
Of fighting each day under showers of stones,
Aud going to bed with black eyes and sore bones;

And how they built up a great monster of wood
By order of Pallas, as big as they could—
Not knowing, if once it got into the town,
The pride of the Trojans could never come down ;
—And how the waves roared, and red thunder-
bolts flew,

And they sent to God Phoebus to know what to do,
And the jolly god told 'em to offer a Greek,
And how trembled each limb, and how blanched

every cheek,

For every one felt that he. might be selected
As food for the gods, and felt rather dejected ;
And when they tossed up in the evening, how he
Was chosen by lot to appease the rough sea ;
And how merry were they when they thought how
next day

For their dear native land they'd go sailing away;
And how the priest came with his glittering knife,
But he punched out his eye, and then ran for his
life !

Knockeddown Neoptolemus, Gorgon, and Thaius,
Kicked Pollio's shins, and tripped up Menelaus :
Hid that night in a barn, and now weary and sore,
Had come the protection of Troy to implore.
' Well, well,' Priam said,

' We could give you a bed,

But, of course, greedy fellow, you'lhvant to be fed :
As for eating, I fear,

You '11 not get much here,
For provisions this year
Are uncommonly dear,

And I've dined the last month on dead Grecian

and beer ;

But go and desire old Iphigenia,

The housemaid, to put some dog chops to the fire ;
Then after your treat,

Say the Grace after meat,

And go to bed happy and drunk in the street.'
So much for the Spy ;

When, hark ! a cry
Sweeping by
Fills the sky,

And shakes the town as it rolls on high—
And now is heard the choral song,

The slow procession moves along.

Laocoon led, by its gilded horns—

And dismally grinned when it trod on his corns—
A milk-white bull, for this was the feast
Of Neptune, and he was the sea-god's priest.

An altar smoked on the wide sea-shore,
And bald-headed priests stood round by the score,
Each with a cowl, and a solemn frown,

And a shaggy long beard, and a shaven crown ;
When, hark ! ere the bellowing bull they fell,
The priests set up a most horrible yell:—-
Tumble up, tumble down, in confusion they go,
The lean run fast, and the fat run slow—

Some pray, some sing, and, I'm sorry to say,
Some swear in a very unclerical way.

Has the bull broke loose, did the dinner-bell ring,
Are they runniug a race I What a very queer
thing: !

No. See, on the foam of the dark sea's tide,
A couple of rattlesnakes, side by side—

Onward they swim, and now they reach
The margin of the sandy beach ;

After the scattering crowd they rush,

And plunge amid the priestly crush.

The Sons of Laocoon first they seize,

And ' settle their hash' with a suitable squeeze ;
Their governor comes with his altar knife,
To defend the dear boys at the risk of his life.
But alas ! in his cowl, and his sandals, and gown,
The hard-hearted monster has gobbled him down :
And munching up the remains of a boy, [Troy.
They walked arm-in arm through the streets of
Till they came to the temple of Pallas Minerva ;
(By the way, what they'd just done was to serve
her,

For she happened to be most eternally cross
Because the oldpriesthadcut jokesather Horse ;)
And under her shield they both glided away,
And there very likely they are to this day."—
[Here iEneas pulled up,

The Queen filled his cup,

And first herself took what she called " just a sup."

The Pious one pressed
His hand to his breast,

To show that he felt what could not be expressed ;
He gave her a wink,

Filled the bowl to the brink,

And drank as a warrior only can drink, j
" To go on with my tale—when it came to be night.
We dragged the Horse into the town, that we
As Sinon had told us, for ever remain [might,
The rulers, as now, of the wide Trojan plain ;
We tied the brute up to the capitol gato,
And then returned home, and were soon i'.i a state
Of ale, for we drank like the devil that night ;
As why should we not, to make up for our fight ?
Well, Sinon rose when all was still.
And silently climbed the capitol hill ;
He opened a door in the horse's side,
And shies up a rope, and down then glide
Ulysses and Sthenelus, Thoas, Epeus, [has !)
(0 who could have built up the monster as he
Thessanderand others, whosesoulsare in Hades,
Where Jupiter sends naughty men and bad
ladies ;

All rush to the gate—with a blow so hard
The cruel Ulysses settles the guard
That, as Homer describes it, his soul was in Hell
Before his shield rang on the earth as he lei! ;
They open the gate, and the Grecians outside
Rush through the arch in a glittering tide.
They hollo and shout with a horrible row—
The new police rattled, and dogs went bow-wow.
Old Priam awoke, and he popped his head oui,
To ask what the devil the noise was about ;
But cruel Ulysses' long shadowing lance
Nearly finished his life and his sorrows at once.
And now the rolling flames arise,

And fling their smoke wreaths to the skies ;
The work of death each warrior plies

Beneath the lurid glare ;

From roof to roof the fires leap,

Loud roaring, as the night winds sweep

Their billows through the air.

Far o'er the sea the light is shed,

The seaman trembles as the red

And towering flames arise ;

And death has grimly smiled to view
A trampled down and ghastly crew,

And hear their wailing cries.

As for me, I was always a good 'un to run ;
And as soon as the fire and shindy begun
I took my 'old governor' up on my back,
And scampered away from the town by the track
That leads to Mount Ida, and ordered my wife
To keep close behind, as she valued her life ;
But somehow or other I managed to lose her,
And saw her no more till the ghost of Creiisa
Appeared, and said ' Husband ./Eneas, do you
know

That I 'vegoneto Heaven to live with Queen Juno?
I like it much better than living with you ;

But I see you 're in haste, I won't keep you—
adieu !' [her—

Enraged at her baseness, I hastened to ' hide'
She vanished—and I ' cut my lucky ' for Ida.
Since then I have wandered by sea and by land.
Till tossed by a storm on your Majesty's strand ;
And now, by your leave, we '11 have ale and cigars,
And wind up the evening like children ol Mars ! "

The company thundered applause of his Tale :
The Queen told the footman to bring up the ale,
And .Eneas, and (how shall I say it ?) the Queen,
Were soon all as tipsy as ever was seen.

For they didn't give Temperance tea-parties then,
And the Grecians got groggy like sensible men ;
And Dido was carried up roaring to bed ;
And pious iEneas is credibly said
To have been the next morning found drunk in the
cellar,

With a shocking bad hiccup and headache, poor
fellow; [pray,

Where he'd passed a sad night in attempting to
And vowing to turn from such courses some day.
He may have—I know nothing further about it ;
But all I can say is, I very much doubt it.

Trin. Coll. Cam.