DOI article:
Syrett, Netta: Thy heart's desire
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.21215#0256
252 Thy Heart's Desire
it. Yes," she cried feverishly, clasping and unclasping her hands,
" Heaven knows I fought it with all my strength, and reasoned
with myself, and—oh, I did everything, but-" Her quick-
falling tears made speech difficult.
" Kathleen ! " Broomhurst urged desperately, " you couldn't
help it, you poor child. You say yourself you struggled against
your feelings—you were always gentle. Perhaps he didn't
know."
" But he did—he did" she wailed, " it is just that. I hurt
him a hundred times a day; he never said so, but I knew it ; and
yet I couldn't bekind to him—except in words—and he understood.
And after you came it was worse in one way, for he knew. I
feit he knew that I loved you. His eyes used to follow me like a
dog's, and I was stabbed with remorse, and I tried to be good to
him, but I couldn't."
"But—he didn't suspect—he trusted you," began Broomhurst.
" He had every reason. No woman was ever so loyal, so-"
" Hush," she almost screamed. " Loyal ! it was the least I
could do—to stop you, I mean—when you-After all, I knew it
without your telling me. I had deliberately married him without
loving him. It was my own fault. I feit it. Even if I couldn't
prevent his knowing that I hated him, I could prevent that. It
was my punishment. I deserved it for daring to marry without
love. But I didn't spare John one pang, after all," she added
bitterly. " He knew what I feit towards him—I don't think he
cared about anything eise. You say I mustn't reproach myself ?
When I went back to the tent that morning—when you—when
I stopped you from saying you loved me, he was sitting at the
table with his head buried in his hands ; he was crying—bitterly :
I saw him—it is terrible to see a man cry—and I stole away
gently, but he saw me. I was torn to pieces, but I couldn't go
to
it. Yes," she cried feverishly, clasping and unclasping her hands,
" Heaven knows I fought it with all my strength, and reasoned
with myself, and—oh, I did everything, but-" Her quick-
falling tears made speech difficult.
" Kathleen ! " Broomhurst urged desperately, " you couldn't
help it, you poor child. You say yourself you struggled against
your feelings—you were always gentle. Perhaps he didn't
know."
" But he did—he did" she wailed, " it is just that. I hurt
him a hundred times a day; he never said so, but I knew it ; and
yet I couldn't bekind to him—except in words—and he understood.
And after you came it was worse in one way, for he knew. I
feit he knew that I loved you. His eyes used to follow me like a
dog's, and I was stabbed with remorse, and I tried to be good to
him, but I couldn't."
"But—he didn't suspect—he trusted you," began Broomhurst.
" He had every reason. No woman was ever so loyal, so-"
" Hush," she almost screamed. " Loyal ! it was the least I
could do—to stop you, I mean—when you-After all, I knew it
without your telling me. I had deliberately married him without
loving him. It was my own fault. I feit it. Even if I couldn't
prevent his knowing that I hated him, I could prevent that. It
was my punishment. I deserved it for daring to marry without
love. But I didn't spare John one pang, after all," she added
bitterly. " He knew what I feit towards him—I don't think he
cared about anything eise. You say I mustn't reproach myself ?
When I went back to the tent that morning—when you—when
I stopped you from saying you loved me, he was sitting at the
table with his head buried in his hands ; he was crying—bitterly :
I saw him—it is terrible to see a man cry—and I stole away
gently, but he saw me. I was torn to pieces, but I couldn't go
to