Punch (10.1846)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

15

THE CIVIL WAR IN THE CITY-

sad mismanagement this inveterate struggle for
dominion is still proceeding, and Captain
Phillips of the Waterman, No. 6, is now gene-
rally regarded as the Abd-el-Kader of the
Thames, while the Pier-keeper has declared
himself the El Hit>er of Bridge-street, threat-
ening to hide all that stand in the way of his
authority by blocking up the gangways. We
have but just returned from the seat of war,
and it is with a heavy heart we proceed to
relate the result of our visit to the scene of
action. As we drew near to the spot, everything
seemed to speak of war, forming an awful
contrast to the peaceful character of the ad-
joining districts. The place we had quitted
was brimming over with the fruits of tranquil-
lity and commerce. Fleet-street was gay,
laughing, and animated. The tea-marts were
decked out with their red Christmas berries,
telling of quiet homes and all that sort of
thing ; and the polite arts — which always
flourish in peace—the polite arts were being
practised at the linen-drapers' shops with their
usual effect, by the young men, the jeunesse
doree of the city.

Everything breathed of tranquillity till we
turned the corner into Chatham Place, when it
became clear that we had got into a country
torn by internecine struggles. We found the
outposts—consisting of a wooden barrier—in
the hands of two of the City cohorts, numbers 6
and 7, to whom we declared ourselves in the
character of neutrals. We found 6, a determined,
but humane man, disposed to cheerfulness,
but prepared for the most serious resistance to
the invading forces. He seemed to us to be
rather a strange compound of the cavalier of
CJharles the Second's time and the Fine Old
English Gentleman of the present day ; for he
was very cavalier in his treatment of stray boys
who approached, probably in the character of
scouts, while he tendered to us every infor-
mation that we desired. 7 was evidently of a
more serious turn of mind, but not less ready
for action than the mercurial 6 ; and, alto-
gether, the outpost could not be in better
hands.

We ascertained the plan of the campaign
to consist of a concentration of all the land
forces under a tarpaulin until the arrival of the
enemy. A picket of two was to be stationed
behind a bill-board, ready to rush out upon
any invader who should succeed in passing the
first barrier, when he would have been imme-
diately routed.

It will be remembered that this is copied from the beautiful ruse of
Wellington at Torres Vedras ; but as 6 himself magnanimously
owned, " No commander need be ashamed to walk in the same shoes as
Wellington's." An enormous breastwork had been thrown up at the
outer verge of the dummy ; and at the back of the barrier, hidden from the
sight of the foe, was planted the flower of the civic raw-lobstery. Nothing
could have been more complete than the preparations for giving the foe a
warm reception, and the men along the whole line, as well as under
the whole of the tarpaulin, were full of spirits, occasionally singing snatches
of the * Dashing White Sergeant" and other military melodies.

But now let us look what was passing in the camp—that is to say on the
paddle-box—of the enemy. Captain Phillips called a council of war,
which met on the binnacle at three o'clock in the afternoon, and was at-
tended by all the officers. At this meeting a resolution was come to
declaring Blackfriars Pier in a state of siege, and a proclamation was
issued, dated from the Watermen's depot, offering to take passengers for
a penny, on condition of their being able to effect their embarkation or
disembarkation at the disputed Pier. This piece of policy puts Phillips
on a par with Mehemet Ali, Sheer Doolah, Ramo Samee, and other
crafty characters, who owe no less to their natural ingenuity than they
owe to the sword—Ramo Samee, by the way, used to swallow his—and
Phillips will go down to posterity with Ibrahim Pacha, Mr. T. P.
Cooke, and other heroes of modern times.

As was expected, the offer of a penny passage drew tribes of passengers
to the Waterman's standard, and Phillips left Woolwich with his heart
fluttering in his bosom and his flag fluttering in the breeze. Our account

longer on Blackfriars Bridge to wait the arrival of the invaders, who were
at least half an hour behind their time.

There was a report that Phillips had become a prisoner at Blackwall,
having fallen into the hands of a foraging-party from Greenwich. Later
advices said that he had struck his flag, but we afterwards heard that
there had been no striking on board the vessel, except on the part of the
fifth lieutenant, who had struck the second cabin-boy. It is, of course,
utterly impossible to vouch for the accuracy of any of these statements.
From the preparations that are made it is to be feared the war will last,
and the lutte will be undoubtedly of the most acharnee kind.
. We shall visit the seat of war at least twice a week till further notice,
and have made arrangements for establishing a telegraphic communica-
tion between the Mansion House and the Punch Office.

NOBLE RESOLUTIONS.

At a select meeting of British landholders, the following resolutions
were unanimously agreed to :—

1. That the appetite for food and drink, unfortunately implanted by
Nature in the agricultural labourers, is the great cause of their distress
and discontent.

2. That for the security and quiet of the landowner, it is expedient that
some measures should be taken for allaying this craving for sustenance.

3. That for the better attainment of this object it is advisable to excite
competition by the encouragement of ingenuity ; and accordingly that
prizes, varying in amount, should be awarded by the Aristocracy to the
inventors of the best suecedaneum for bread, beef, bacon, potatoes, beer,
and other eatables and drinkables.

4. That rewards should further be offered for contrivances for super-
seding fire and clothing, the deficiency of which, no less than that of food,
is productive of dissatisfaction amongst the labourers.

5. That thanks are due to His Grace the Duke of Norfolk for his
suggestion of curry powder as a sedative to the stomach.

Examination In Fortification.

vauban's first system.

Master. What is external fortification ?

Pupil. Two great-coats and a woollen night-cap.

Master. What is internal fortification ?

Pupil. A rump-steak and two glasses of brandy-aud-water.

TO PIRATES AND OTHERS.

In consequence of the readiness with which the property of Punch is
pilfered and appropriated by other parties, who have seized on the Nelson
Column, the Hungerford Bridge, the Exeter 'Change Beadle, &c. :

ii to gtbe jfrettCC, that the one volunteer of Brook Green has
entered himself at Stationers' Hall, and he will resist any attempts that
may be made to drag him into any other service than that to which he
is at present devoted.

DOUBLY hazardous.

In the event of the Chelsea Pensioners being called out, a new company
must here terminate, for the wind was so high that we could not wait any | will be started to insure their wooden legs against fire.