Punch (10.1846)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

THE SHREWSBURY PET.

e saw a week or two ago
an anecdote which
went the round of
the papers — in
which we were told
that the Duke of
Nassau,Ms dignity
unknown, asked of
a peasant, if the
Rhine rose or fell.
The peasant re-
plied, " What an
ass you must he
not to see that it
rises." Immedi-
ately after this, the
peasant learns the
rank ofhis querist;
whereupon he thus
congratulates him-
self :—" Well, I'm
glad I wasn't rude/"
It was plain that
the peasant was
never rude—never
"abused" anybody;
he was, in fact, an
inglorious Dis-
raeli.

The Irish pilot
only knew every
rock by continu-
ally making his ship hump upon it; now, on the contrary, it is won-
derful how very closely the Member for Shrewsbury can steer to Bil-
lingsgate, without touching upon its mud.

Benjamin, it has been thought, has flung the bad eggs of rhetoric
right and left. Quite a mistake, says the urbane Ben. Examine the
missiles—smell them. They are nothing but carnival eggs ; mere
shells, filled with rose-water. What they break against, they inevitably
perfume.

At a grand meeting of the beasts—unnoticed by JEsop—the fox was
twitted by the ermine with his disagreeable odour. The circumstance
reached the ears of the pole-cat; who, lamenting the fetor of the fox,
said very meekly of himself, " I thank my stars, whatever may he my
faults, my scent ' abuses' the nose of no one. Nobody can say the
polecat smells !"

bad," and we have no doubt the worthy Serjeant m'ill, by constantly-
keeping it up, ultimately compel attention to the complaints he is always
making. Already there have been one or two meetings in the City,
and if Adams only goes on asking the jury what he is to do with
little pickpockets, and the juries go on looking stupid at the question,
the legislature will at last be compelled to stir itself.

A JUDICIAL DILEMMA.

We really believe there is not a more amiable man on the bench or
at the bar than Mr. Serjeant Adams. He is, like a summer cabbage,
all heart, and we regret to see him puzzled what to do with the juvenile
criminals upon whom, in his capacity of Chairman of the Middlesex
Sessions, he is compelled to pass sentence. He usually appeals
pathetically to the jury, as if they could get him out of his dilemma.
" Here," says he, " is a boy of tender years, and what am I to do with
him ? If I send him to prison, I send him to ruin. They won't let me
send him to Parkhurst : I can't discharge him. If I were to flog him,

it would do him no good. His mother is always drunk, and his father grubs, wire-worms, snails, and slugs, so that nothing would grow in

^untfTs totnnomals.

Beleiving that one of the most profitable branches of literature in>
the present day is that of supplying Testimonials to the qualities of
sundry specifics that are being continually advertised, we have some
idea of " doing a little in that line," and we beg leave to offer the
folloM'ing specimens of our qualifications for this very lucrative depart-
ment of an author's profession. It is true that we have not a title,
like the Earl of Aldborough, who is continually being cured of every
malady under the sun, by Holloway's pills ; but we may at all events
claim to be among that class of aristocracy familiarly known as
" nature's noblemen," and usually occupying the sixpenny gallery at the
minor theatres. As a portion of the peerage of the people, we consider
that our Testimonials will be almost if not quite as respectable as the
Earl of Aldborough's. Our terms for a recommendation in the
following strain will be found very moderate, and we have no objection
to have our portrait prefixed to the advertisement, showing us as we
were before the specific (in a state of perfect prostration of course),
and as we were after one bottle of the mixture (that is to say, dancing
about our apartment, hopping, skipping, and jumping over the chairs
and tables, in the usual style of people just recovering from a recent
illness). The following is a specimen of a Testimonial in favour of

dr. locock's pulmonic wafers.

" Sir—I was overrun with black beetles. I had tried hedgehogs out
of number, without effect, and had spent a little fortune in those
absurd machines called black beetle traps, when I was persuaded to try
your pulmonic wafers. Such was their wonderful effect that in a few
days there was not a cockroach to be met with in the whole of the
premises."

testimonial in favour of macassar oil.

" I had for some years been afflicted with a most obstinate lamp,
which would not burn either Solar Oil, Sperm, or Camphine. At length
I tried a bottle of your Macassar, which answered every purpose, and,
indeed, the luminous effect was so decided, that I have been light-
headed ever since I had recourse to it."

testimonial in favour of holloway's ointment.

" Sir,—I beg leave to state that the creaking of the wheels of my
dust-cart had become so severe, that my nerves were fearfully affected
by the harsh discord. I had used the common cart-grease very
copiously without effect, when I, in a fit of desperation, bought a box
of your invaluable ointment. By continually applying it to the wheels,,
all unpleasant noise has been stopped, and my cart is now the admira
tion of every one who formerly used to be shocked by its dissonance.
You are at liberty to make any use you please of this letter.

•' J. Bugden."

" Please to send me eighteen more boxes. The man will pay for
them when he comes round to empty the dust-hole."

testimonial in favour of morrison's pills.

" Gentlemen,—My garden had been for several years infested with

has been transported." ^t is with no desire to ridicule Mr. Serjeant
Adams's amiable anxiety on the subject of juvenile offenders that we
notice the predicament he is continually being pla.ced in for want of
reformatories instead df prisons, for the reception of young delinquents.
The worthy Serjeant keeps up the agitation of the subject with most
praiseworthy pertinacity, and never lets an opportunity pass for
showing the perplexity in which he is placed by the supineness of
the legislature. "Here I am again, gentlemen," he cries, "with
another little pickpocket of tender years, that I have no means of dis-
posing of in a satisfactory manner."

The jury can only look stupid when the worthy Serjeant adroitly
takes advantage of that fact to exclaim, " I see by your faces, gentle-
men, that you quite agree with me in my view of the case : " and a
report, of course, goes forth, that the jury perfectly coincided in every
word that fell from the lips of the Chairman. Formerly he could
enlighten the little boys about Parkhurst, telling them he was going to
send them where they would have an opportunity of becoming decent
members of Colonial society at a future period. Parkhurst being now
closed against all but mature criminals, Serjeant Adams has nothing
to say to his little thieves, but to sentence them, and lament over their
probable corruption in prison. It is, however, seriously speaking, " too

it. Having seen the advertisement of your pills, I was induced to pur-
chase a box, and I sowed a few of the pills among a quantity of onion-
seed. I am happy to say that your pills killed everything that came
near them, and I do not think a single grub ' survives to tell the tale.'

" I am, sir,
" Your grateful and obedient servant,

"John Sharpshoes."

The above are a few specimens of what we are able to do in this-
style. The proprietors of any specific or medicine for curing every
disease, may he treated with, on liberal terms, by applying at the
Punch Office.

The Pot and the Kettle.

Mr. Roebuck, during the recent debate, took occasion to repudiate
the practice of using coarse language, descending to vulgar menace,
and being guilty of violent personalities in the House of Commons.
This reminds us of the Regular Dustman who, in his Christmas circulars,,
never fails to let the public know, through the medium of a haughty
N.B., " that he has no connection with the scavengers."