Punch (10.1846)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BRITISH UNICORN.

jf ]^[R. PUNCH,

ff " You have made my companion,

u the British Lion, very popular ; can you

m do nothing for me ? Understand, I shall

w be well content with half the notoriety you

>V*«C have bestowed upon my leonine friend ; for,

certainly, since you have signalised him by
Jt—-Jl "j ^5^. your notice—since you have drawn him
iC^^^i^^jS' from the obscurity of the National Arms,
Js^liifc^ ano- discussed the length of his mane and

Jr ?! tail, the sharpness of his teeth and claws,

| and the various modulations of his roar—

j||™l|Sj|g^ the poor beast has been worked and bela-

A boured more than any ci istermonger's donkey.

WM^Miilffi^.^ not surprise me, soon, to see the

W^SsE^^I ~' British Lion advertised as peculiarly fitted
il $m\' Hr^fsm?^ ^or ' most timid lady.' Certainly, timid

K Ml 11 gentlemen, who might pass for ladies, have

i( W in jj§f of late ridden him bard enough. I much

^Wg^T*ijlfwliili^ question whether the Colling Smiths, the
NijgH, ■NBH^^g Sibthorpes, and the Plumptres, are not
' mJgHpp^ —for their sharp taskwork inflicted on the
British Lion—obnoxious to an information
for cruelty to animals. However, to my own case.

" I am a modest brute ; so modest, that I have suffered all sorts of
scholars and philosophers—men who take the universe to bits and put
it together again, like a child's puzzle—to question even my existence.
By some I have been called the Indian ass ; by others the rhinoceros ;
and all these presumptuous men have flatly denied my right to the
graceful form made familiar by the Boyal Arms to every true-born
Briton. But, sir, patience has its limits. Trodden worms will turn ;
and—it will be found—outraged unicorns will gore.

" Nevertheless, for myself, I could still endure the contempt and
•slander of the world with perfect indifference. Yes, sir : I could hear
my companion, the British Lion, praised for his courage, his magna-
nimity, and every other after-dinner virtue—(though, between our-
selves, I hare known him guilty of certain rogueries and fooleries more
worthy of the British fox and the British goose; only lions, by virtue
•of their claws, are privileged as occasional knaves and simpletons)—I
say, I could, unmoved, listen to his praises—urftnoved as one opera-
singer hears the applauding fame of another (my frequent position
over the proscenium has familiarised me with all play-house virtues),
were I alone concerned. But, sir, consider ; if I am called a fabulous
beast, a fictitious nonentity, a thing that never had a place in
; the ark, what a rebellious insult is thereby cast upon the Boyal
Escutcheon ! The Lion is a terrible verity, says the world, and
with his truthful strength, his awful looks, supports and watches
■the Royal Shield ; but the Unicorn is a nondescript nincompoop : a
"fib upon four legs : at the very best, a horned flam ! Now, I ask it,
is not this opinion treasonous ? Does it not make the Boyal Arms
lopsided ? On the right they are supported byr leonine power ; on
the left by a worse than nothing—by a fiction ! Now, sir, will you
urge Lord George Bentinck to move for a committee to inquire into
the truth of the existence of the British Unicorn ? I suggest Lord
I 'George, because, as I am .more than half equine, the inquiry could
be best carried out by his stable mind. Did I really feel myself the
! ass that some naturalists have written me down, I could name other
honourable members of the Honourable House as being peculiarly
Utted for the investigation.

" And in the meantime, Mr. Punch, do think of me. Let me not
•suffer for my long endurance. Folks must be tired of the roar of the
British Lion : therefore, do now and then say something about the
honour of the British Unicorn. For I put it to you, whether it is not
too bad that I should bear half the weight of the Royal Shield, and the
Lion monopolise all the glory ? Besides, the British Lion, for a time
at least, has had his day; therefore, do justice to his long-silent and
long-suffering companion,

" The British Unicorn."

ABD-EL-KADER AND PELISSIER.

The Parisians denounce Abd-el-Kader for his recent murder of
French prisoners. The barbarian killed them by sword and ball.
Now, at the Cave of Dahra, Colonel Pelissier, blessed by the light of
•civilisation, magnanimously used it as a torch.

THE GARB OF DISHONESTY.

The publicity which has been given to the operations of " Ms.
Wvndham" at and in the neighbourhood of Windsor may perhaps
| prove injurious to those sons of Industry who are dignified with the
! title of her chevaliers. It will tend to bring discredit, not only on the
name of Wtndham, but also on that of Mowbray, Mortimer, Maske-
ltne, Maxtravers, Montague, or any other aristocratic surname,
assumed for the purpose of cheating under it. The patrician style of
man, too, will now become rather suspicious ; and hence the short and
squat swindler will have an advantage over the rogue who is tall and
shapely. For the same reason, the military cut, and the extremely
correct, will be an ineligible costume for the seeker of a fraudulent live-
lihood.

The costume of the swindler may consist of a suit of black, made
large and loose, with the hinder coat buttons very wide apart, and the
tail broad ; large, easy boots, and no straps to the trousers. To this
may be added a white neckcloth ; but then it must be tied very negli-
gently, lest the wearer should be mistaken for a rector. Or the blue or
brown broadcloth coat, with brass buttons, and cord or drab shorts,
with gaiters, or top-boots, may be adopted , and a good addition will
be a buff waistcoat, diagonally traversed by a black ribbon, to the end
of which is to be attached an eye-glass. The hat should be broad-
brimmed ; if white, with a green lining, all the better ; the whiskers
grizzled, and shaved off where the base abuts on the shirt-collar. A
good stout cane, with a leather thong through the top of it, should be
carried in the hand ; and the watch ought to be a hunting one, of large
size, and worn in the fob. To complete the illusion, a smack of the
Hampshire dialect, and a hearty laugh, will be desirable. For the name,
in lieu of Manners or Clinton, the substitute should be Masterman
or Collins. These are the colours that an adventurer should now sail
under, if his craft is to obtain money under false pretences.

Cf)e Hgr cf i&lonsters.

The present taste for monstrosities, in the two extremes of the
gigantic and the dwarf, is, we are happy to say, rapidly diminishing.
The General Tom Thumb is obliged to resort to the cheap order
system, to fill his rooms, and an effort to get up a gigantic ox at the
Egyptian Hall has not proved very successful. We had the pleasure
of a private audience of the ox, in Piccadilly one night, after exhibition
hours, as the brute was leisurely strolling home to its lodgings, after
the day's excitement. We fancied that we read in the poor creature's
sunken eye and melancholy brow the following impressive paragraph •—

" Alas ! what is fame ? A bubble. And what am I, but beef ?—a
victim hurrying towards the steak as rapidly as possible ?"

We could not help sympathising with the melancholy beast as the
driver of one of the Kensington 'Busses exclaimed, in the hearing of the
animal, and in a tone of irony that could scarcely be mistaken by the
most insensible of brutes,—" I say, Bill, there's a precious shilling's
worth!" The dwarf cow, at the creature's side, who has been engaged
by way of contrast, looked miserably cowed at the glare of the gas-
lamps, and the row of the passing vehicles. It is a remarkable fact
that the translation of these animals into Latin would cause a fearful
case of misnomer, for it is the ox, and not the cow, that is the TJ'hacker
( Vacca) ! ! !

"THE HOUSE OF PEEL."

Scch is the heading given by some of our contemporaries to the
subjoined paragraph :—

" The following passage occurs in the Rev. John Wesley's Journal, bearing daU
July 27, 1787 : —' I was invited to breakfast, at Bury, by Mr. Peel, a calico printer, who,
a few yeara ago, began with 5001., and is now supposed to have 50,0OW."'

We take it, there is many a " house "—for the sneer implied in the
word is not to be mistaken—that could not give so truly noble a begin-
ning. How many "houses," for instance, began with plunder—how
many with debauchery ? There are a few escutcheons we could name,
that, with all their dragons glorified, and bend-sinisters, would look
very small before Mr. Peel's spinning-jenny.

Wonders will never Cease.

Among the advertisements in the Times of Friday is one through,
the medium of which a Professed Lady's Maid offers her services. We
have heard of professed cooks, but professed ladies are a novelty to us
—almost as great as the large, blue, Spanish gentleman, whose lost
cloak was, a week or two back, the subject of an advertisement.