Punch: Punch (11.1846)

96

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

and disgusting his neighbour, Mrs. Fox, who reflects that she has

never been there. The widow is vexed out of patience, because her <L~f)£ jrGUllttUP JtiflaiCt) Of intellect,

daughter Maria has got a place beside young Cambric, the penniless

curate, and not by Colonel Goldmore, the rich widower from India, j As it seems now determined that the Army shall henceforth be
The doctor's wife is sulky, because she has not been led out before the governed by moral force instead of main force, it has become necessary
barrister's lady ; old Doctor Cork is grumbling at the wine, and that the officer—if he is to command the soldier—should be provided
Guttleton sneering at the cookery four ,the fu^e Wlth sorae other headFece than the mere helmet or

And to think that all these people might be so happy, and easy, cha.^. Officers hi short, require to be intelkctualised very much
, „ . , , . z., ■ , . . • so, it the results 01 our inqmries into their mental circumstances may

and friendly, were they brought together in a natural unpretentious , ^ de ded 0f th* fruit of these researches we subjoin a fe£

way, and but tor an unhappy passion for peacocks leathers m England. ; Specimens

Gentle shades of Marat and Robespierre ! when I see how all the | The Hon. Captain Fitzdawb-le, examined—Has the honour of
honesty of society is corrupted among us by the miserable fashion- ] holding a commission in the Life Guards. Once went to school. The
worship, I feel as angry as Mrs. Pox. just mentioned, and ready to , nature of his studies had been dry. Really could not say what had been
order a general battue of peacocks. the curriculum, unless it was a curricle: but Doctor Switcuarb-

didn't keep a curricle. Found Latin too hard, arid Greek out of the

__question. Spelling was quite troublesome enough. Believed that the

old Doctor used to vote him a sad dunce. Must confess that he was
not partial to intellectual pursuits. Was not particularly ashamed to
I say st>.

Lieutenant Spankey. Belongs to the Dragoons. Has no objection
| to state his acquirements. Is a crack shot. Will venture to say that
he can ride a steeple-chase, or a donkey race either. Has actually
! been the winner in one. Is not aware that he ever passed the pons asi-
norum. Flatters himself that he can waltz tolerably. Can do a good
many other things if he could only recollect what. Eis memory wa3
always rather treacherous. Cannot recollect who founded Rome. Is
not certain that it was not Julius Cjssae. Has a faint impression
that Magna Charta was the Bill of Rights. Is a man of some reading.
Has read a good deal of the United Service Journal. Has some acquaint-
ance with polite letters. Ha* no idea of any other kind ot correspon-
dence.

Lieutenant Colonel Duksepokb commands a cavalry regiment. In
astonished at being asked what he knows of ethics. Tactics are something
more in his way. Does not see what a British officer can possibly have
to do with moral philosophy ; except, perhaps, the regimental doctor,
who might be expected to understand all that tort of thing.

THE LOWTHES ARCADE BLOCKADE.

SONG BY AN ILLUSTRIOUS PERSONAGE.

Oh ! do not build for me

Another palace, pray,
I have already three,—■

And sure, enough are they,—
Besides a country seat

All in the Isle of Wight :
Another build not, I entreat ;
I Ve houses plenty,—quite.

If you your cash would spend,

If you'd invest your gold,
Build almshouses, no end,

To lodge the poor and old ;
Build hospitals, and more

The thoroughfare through the Lowther Arcade gradually gets Asylums open iree

smaller and smaller. It is now reduced to the width of a narrow Bu£d schools of charity in store

bookshelf. Two persons walking abreast cause a collision, which is
frequently attended with serious damage to the adjoining pomatum
pots. The little rivulet of pavement might be enlarged, we think, by
encroaching on each side upon the immense meadow of crockery-ware.
It is not pleasant, as you are walking along, to put your foot into a
drum, or to fall at full-length upon a tea-tray of child's tea-things.

The toymakers should be told to take their shops indo^s. The exhi- Tom Hood has capitallv said of certain teetotalers, that they think
bition of dolls and rocking-horses may be very pleasing to the juvenile they have a rio.ht t0 beiieve themselves Beauties, simply because they
eye, and very profitable to the shopkeepers, but we caution parents ; are not Beasts- Assuredly, manv of the water-spouters recently
who recklessly enter the Arcade with their children, to stipulate before- j playing at Covent Garden Theatre" are of this notion. It would be
hand with the beadle not to pay for breakages. The shower of hail- I difficuit t0 brew or distil any beverage stronger or more deleterious

THE TEMPERANCE CONVENTION.

stones lately did in a measure clear the Arcade, but now that the sky
lights have been mended, the Birmingham and Wedgewood trumperies
have come out in greater abundance than ever. A fireman should be
engaged to play down the Arcade three times a day. A strong column
of water might probably create an opening in favour of the pedestrian,
who does not like being stopped at every step by a monster rocking-
horse, or tripped up by a lambswool poodle.

T OST OR STOLEN.—THE PRUSSIAN CONSTITUTION. It mi
-Li done up in a small parcel, and was dropped about the 3rd of last month. It was
last seen at the Sans Souci, Potsdam, where it had been lying on the shelf for years.
It is marked " Anno Domini, .1816," and has a royal seal to it, with the motto of " Sie
tolUn es nir.M haben." As the contents are of no value to any but the owner, a
small reward will be given for its restoration to " Frederick, Royal Palace, or Greek
Theatre, Berlin." For fear of accidents, it had better be labelled " Fragile."

than much of their language. The American apostles of Temperance
—like many other saints—have made themselves especially noturi^as
for unseemly words. Never was water dirtied with fouler words.

The Rev. Thomas Braynard, however, of Philadelphia, has settled
the question by shifting it upon the shoulders of weak woman ; whom
he twitted with an indiscretion (now of a few thousand years' standing)
in a very shabby spirit. He said, li One Woman had ruined the world
by persuading a man to eat, and it was now for woman to show an
example by persuading him not to drink." Eve having plucked the
apple, it was the duty of her daughters to set their faces against cyder.

We would by no means be thought to undervalue the blessings of
Temperance as preached by Father Mathew and others ; but when
we read the stuff that has recently been uttered in the cause of total
abstinence, we certainly do feel inclined to wish that at Covent Garden
the authorities had imitated certain Strand authorities at Church time,
and " put locks upon the pumps."