Punch: Punch (11.1846)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

199

THE ENGLISH IN LITTLE.

bt general tom thumb.

tom thumb in private lodgings—invited to the palace.

When I was first brought to England, Governor Barnum showed
me on the stage of a playhouse for two or three nights ; just, as he
said, to give the stupid Britishers such a tarnation small taste of me,
ttiat they should be all the hungrier for it.

And then the Governor kept me so private in private lodgings, that
not above a hundred of his private friends came every day to see me.
"And where did you get the General?" asked everybody. And then,
Governor Barnttm putting one of his hands in his pocket, poked out
the t'other at full length, and said—" The General, when I first found j
him, was a drug in the family, quite a drug." Whether the Governor j
meant salts or senna—for I guess I Ve taken both—I can't say. But J
if I've remained a drug, considering how the Britishers have swallowed
me, they must have been tarnation physicked.

And after a good many days, the Governor having writ a letter to
Mrs. Victoria—the Britishers call her—yes, poor critters ! they do
—Her Gracious Majesty ; but T, who am a citizen of the smartest

nation of all creation, I who look upon-Well, I'm smart, I calculate,

and so will say Her Gracious Majestt. Well, the Governor having
writ his letter, went, every time there was a knock at the door, to the
winder, to see if Mrs.—1 mean if Her Gracious Majesty hadn't
flent her best coach for him and me, that is, for the kit of us. Many
days went over, and there was no royal knock, and no coach with the
royal cream and curds-and-whey horses. At last, Governor Barnum
being terrible riled to be sure, said to me—" General," says he.

" Governor," says L

" Mrs. "Victoria," says he—he always called her ' Gracious
Majesty ' afore Britishers, though he always winked tarnation at me
as he did it—"Mrs. Victoria," says he, "has not answered the letter
I writ her."

"P'raps," says I, " poor critter, she can't write,"—for, being a true
American, I like to take Queens down a peg. " Poor critter !" I said
agin, " p'raps she can't write."

" Gen'ral " said Governor Barnum, " she can write : it's provided
by the British Constitution and the law that all critters with crowns
upon their heads must be taught to write ; or the Government would
stop still—go down—as though run upon a snag. They must write,
or how could they sign death-warrants ? "

Well, this brings me up ; stiff as a dead nigger. " General," says
Barnum to me, looking a bowie knife in each eye ; " you wouldn't
sleep easy, I guess, upon your goose- down"—(I didn't think it was !
goose ; I calculated it was cock and hen ; I mean—what am I say-j
ing ?— rooster and hen.)—" Tou would not sleep easy if you thought
any critter of a Queen insulted the star-spangled banner ? "

" I should think not," said I; and as I said it, I alarmed the Gover-
nor ; for I looked as if I'd growed an inch.—" I should think not," |
said I—and I sunk down softly again, and saw the Governor was a
little easy.

" Well, then," said he " you are the greatest, brightest star of that
banner ; and she has not writ an answer ; she has insulted you."

Well, I do confess it : my blood begin to bile ; and I felt like a lit-
tle copper tea-kettle that I've seen the Britishers put upon the table
with a lamp under it, for grog ; I felt a lamp under me at that mo- i
ment,—my inside a wobbling, and the steam a coming out of my j
mouth. " I am a star, Governor," said I : " I know my brightness, '•
and feel myself twinkle."

" Well, then," said the Governor, " what a wife does, her husband
must also answer for."

" To be sure," says I ; " that's why the weddin'-ring's made round
to hoop 'em both."

" Well, then," said the Governor, " as we 're insulted, I shall write
to Mr. Albert to satisfy me as a gentleman. I never travel without
the necessaries of life, and I've brought my Kentucky rifle."

" You're a beauty, Governor," says I : " you have brains enough to
set up a forest o' monkeys on their hind legs as shopkeepers, and
make 'em cheat one another like Christians."

" None o' your soft sawder, General," said the Governor : " my
stomach's weak, and can't stand it. I shall write to Mr. Albert in
the name o' the star-spangled banner, to come out with me, in his
■wife's own Hyde Park, for early bullets."

'• Y'm are a beauty," 1 said agin. " You are a beauty. If the Falls
•could be turned into sherry-cobbler, Congress ought to giro you the
tight of a free straw for all your mortal days."

" Only grant me one request," said the Governor, as he set down
afore the paper, and dipt his pen in the ink, " If I should fall Gene-
ral"-

" There '11 be a war," said L

" Of course," said he. " My ghost would haunt both countries at
the same time if there wasn't. But that's not it : if I should fall,
you '11 have nobody to direct you •, for you '11 be left all alone with
nothing but your innocence. Therefore, if I should fall, always
recollect the price I'd set upon you—think of the honour of your
country—remember the dignity of human natur—and don't be shown
for halfpence."

I could say nothing, but I climbed up the calf of his leg, and kissed
his little finger !

The Governor had put his pen in the ink, when—" Rap—rap—
RAP ! "

There was the Royal Knock at the door !

Barnum run to the winder ; looked out, and bobbed his head in
agin as if he'd seen a flash of lightning. It was the gold on the Royal
livery !

A card was brought up, from Her Most Gracious Majesty.
There were these words, in her own hand-writing, upon it :—" Her
Majesty the Queen of England would feel herself particularly
honoured by the company of General Tom Thumb and that of his
Guardian this evening to tea. N.B. Muffins. Please to ring the
Back-stairs BelL"

THE LATEST NEW RAILWAY.

Every scheme appeared to have been exhausted for devising a new
style of Railway, until a plan, to which we are about to allude, was
happily hit upon. We have had suggestions of subterranean Railways,
to go tunnelling throueh our coal-cellars, and viaducting over our
balconies ; but these might have caused inconvenience, which will be
altogether prevented by the new Shop-Ledge Line, which is to be
obtained by making all the shop-ledges in the same street of an equal
altitude. The vehicles may be ordinary vehicles, with a sort of tele-
scopic axletree, made to draw in and out at pleasure, so as to be accom-
modated to the widlh of the thoroughfare. This plan would cause
considerable relief to the over-crowded streets, if tried in some of the
most frequented parts of the city ; for a traffic could be going on over-
head, simultaneously with that on the lower level. The expenses
of the construction of such a line would be exceedingly moderate, as it
would only be necessary for each shareholder to raise or lower the
ledge over the window on the ground-floor to the same height as those
of his next-door neighbours. It would not be necessary to purchase
any ground, except for the purposes of termini. Had such a thing
been proposed a year ago, the applications for shares would have been
overwhelming. As it is, we think there may be a fair demand, if the
scheme is properly advertised.

Novel and Beautiful Thought—" We must all die."—Chambers

Journal.