Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

239

receive taxes instead of paying them—until the peer shares his coronet
with the peasant—until bread is so cheap, that the bakers give it
away instead of selling it—until everything that is wanted may be
The difficulty of framing addresses to the j had merely for the askiDg—and, in fact, until there is a thorough

MODEL ADDRESSES FOR CANDIDATES.

various electors throughout the country
has suggested to the benevolent mind of
Mr. Pwnch, the philanthropic idea of supply-
ing that "real blessing " to candidates. In
order to accommodate all parties, we shall
write for each an exposition of political
sentiments ; and we freely give permission

radical reform in all our institutions.

WONDERS WILL NEVER CEASE.

Among the literary novelties of the day is a book called " Why and
Because," which is advertised as being " intended for young persons
to any member of any of theJ;hree^sections with a clock face and moveable hands." We never yet met with a

young person having a clock face, though moveable hands are by no
means uncommon among the juvenile members of society. Indeed, the
difficulty of making the little folks keep their hands still has become
quite proverbial. A clock face remains a mystery to us, for the nearest
We shall begin with that class whose I approach to anything of the kind we have ever seen is a visage
representatives have not only the least to indicating that the party to whom it belongs is up to the time of day,
say, but the least capacity for saying it. and 30 far the phenomenon of a clock face has in our experience been
We shall therefore commence with the ; realised.

into which the aspirants for parliamentary
honours are divided, to

COPY THE ADDRESS.

address for the country party

candidate. THE BLIND NUISANCE.

" In coming before you to ask for your
votes, I feel that the present prospects of (Imitated from Byron.)

our party are somewhat gloomy. Everything British is suffering under ^ that dor),t ^ bend hijJ head

a severe depression : the British Constitution has been so long shouting : WheQ London streets he fain would thread,

for help, that it has almost shouted itself into a hoarseness, which has ; -gut with a mild and stately aj.r

rendered its voice inaudible. The British Lion sits crouching between j From left'to right doth idl sta;e>

the combined weight of Eree Trade and a Whig Ministry The British j Qr lookin I0imd himj slightly lingers,

Labourer no longer sweetens the bread of labour with the calm satis- : Twirling his guard-chain round his finders,

faction of patient industry. The cheerful song with which he accom- ; Will, as he gives a look behind,
panied his daily work, enabling him to take six shillings a week to j ^ot seeiDg where be means to go

his wife and family, is no longer heard, but he thinks of the corn now Receive from a tremendous blind,
coming through the Sea of Marmora to compete with him, and his song An ^m0St"StUpefying blow,

becomes a sigh, his whistling ends in wailing. My object in going into go darki„ iow 80 iowlv dim '

Parliament will be to rally the remnants of the country party round It breaks tne hat from crown to rim.

the standard of our ancestors, and restore the smile to the wan features rpne taUer victim as he goes

of the British Lion. If I can succeed in doing this ; if I should be so Receives the blind below his'nose ;

fortunate as to add one vibration to that tail, which has become stag- While the less lofty passer-by

•nant from distress ; if I can establish one honest twinkle in the eye of] Sheathes the fierce ledge-point in his eye.

the British labourer ; if I can keep one ear of foreign-grown grain from j A of vengeance fiu8 the air_

the ports of this country, I shall feel that I have not laboured in vain ; | ,Tig ^aiQ poiice are wantiDg there,
and when I resign once more my trust into your hands, I shall do so ' * '

with the comfortable conviction that I have played the part of a true
patriot.—N.B. My committee sits!daily at the Duck and Thunder,
where any information will be gladly received, and beer liberally
supplied to any elector of staunch principles."

We will now attempt an

address for a conservative candidate.

" In soliciting your aid at the approaching struggle, I avow myself
a follower of those principles of which Sib Robert Peel is the
highest example, and which will be found thoroughly Conservative in
their influence. The plan of that distinguished statesman has ever
been to preserve to himself the merit not only of his own views, but
of those professed by his opponents ; and hence the truly Conservative
character of all his proceedings. He and his adherents have allowed
others to talk, and have themselves been content to do, when leaving
undone became dangerous or inexpedient; and hence we may
assume for ourselves the title of the great DO party, in opposition
to the great TALK party formed by our political antagonists. We
pledge ourselves to continue the same course that has hitherto secured
our popularity. If the independent electors require mere verba, let
them choose my Whig opponent; but if acta are needed, let them
send into the House of Commons a Conservative, such as I declare
myself."

We now come to the last, though, in promise at all events, by no
means the least of the addresses, in the shape of an

address for an ultra-radical candidate.
" Though I come forward to ask the votes of those who have them'
I would scorn to represent your property if I did not also represent
your throbbing impulses of philanthropic patriotism ; and I should little
regard your ten-pound households if I did not hope to take with me
into the House of Commons the warm sympathies of millions of my
fellow-countrymen I do not go into Parliament as member for your
humble borough, if I go at all; but I enter the legislature as the embodi-
ment of a myriad of gushing hopes, patriotic yearnings, and fond
anticipations, which I will either die or realise. I hope to see the day
when we shall have good, honest day-labourers spending their nights
in the House of Commons. Some candidates object to pledges. Perhaps
they have good reasons for their hesitation : I have none, and I there-
fore pledge myself never to cease from my labours until the people

Atrocities of Advertising: Literature.

We perceived the other day, among the Times" advertisements, an
intimation that " a single-handed footman, who knows his business, is
wanted, at once, in a small genteel family." There is something
horrible in the idea of a person being satisfied with a dismembered
flunkey, and taking one with a single hand, in the hope, we presume, of
getting at a reduced rate the services of a mutilated menial. As to
the poor fellow " knowing his business," that seems a cruel mockery ;
for what is the use of his knowing his business, when he is deprived of
half the power of doing it ? We shall hear next of wooden-legged hall-
porters coming into general demand, in consequence of the saving that
would be effected in pumps and silk stockings.