Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

243

HOLBORN AS IT MAY BE.

If London should ever be swallowed up by an earthquake—though ! We can fancy the perplexity into which the geologist of soms
we tremble lor the disturbed digestion of the earthquake that takes thousand years hence will be thrown, when picking out a wheel of an
the fearful meal—we may presume that some centuries hence geologists omnibus with his pick, and axeing himself whether that wheel could
will be busy in trying to find out what their ancestors were made of. once have revolved on its own axis.

Holborn would present a perfect puzzle to the savant of a future age. We can see in our mind's eye the astonishment with which he would

dig out the mummy of a polietman, and after unrolling a layer of aspect, and such as it would be, were an earthquake suddenly to devour
capes, might find a tertiary deposit of half-a-crown in the victim's it. We are sure that the most skilful of scientific speculators would not
pocket. Here might be the hat of Higgs the drover, and here the be able to decide whether the spot had been uoed chiefly for animals or for
skeleton of a suffocated pig. all thrown higgledy-piggledy together in men. since Smithfield renders Uolnnrn Hill as much a pasture for flocks
a rudis indigestaque moles, such as Eolborn now"presents in its living I and herds as it is a promenade for bipeds or a thoroughfare for vehicles.

LITERARY ORDERS EXECUTED ON THE SHORTEST

NOTICE.

A Naples paper has the following paragraph :—

" Ni^lo Corridi, of Corfu, furnishes,in four-and-twenty hours, acomplete comedy ;
in eigLt-and-forty hours, a tragedy, or the libretto of an opera ; in seventy-two hours,
an entire poem, in stanzas of six verses, with the exclusion of any particular letter or
letters of the alphabet. The poet resides in the Hotel de Londres, Rue Guantari,
No. 22, a Naples."

The preceding advertisement is enough to make Mk. G. P. P. X. Y. Z.
James ashamed of his indolence ; and calculated to achieve the phe-
nomenon of inventing a blush on the cheek of Monsieur Alexandre
Dumas for his extreme slowness. We should say that Signor Njcolo
would be the very man to finish the Catalogue of the British Museum ;
and we have no doubt he would be perfectly willing to leave out any
particular letter or letters, which the Trustees might think de trop, or
out of place in such a literal publication.

This exclusion of certain letters is something new in the art of
writing poetry. We never heard of a person having an antipathy to
certain diphthongs or liquids ; probably there are some sensitive minds
who faint at the sight of a K, or go into hysterics at the mere mention
of the letter X ; for there is no accounting for antipathies, any more
than there is for tastes. It would be rather awkward, however, for
the Corfusian poet, if a lady entertained a violent hatred against all
the vowels, and gave him an order for a poem with the exclusion of
A, E,I,0,U. The poet's only chance of executing his commission
would be, to write the poem in the Welsh language, which has been
pronounced by a great linguist to be the most consonant of all lan-
guages. Another item which surprises us in the Signor's bill of
fare is, that the libretto of an opera takes longer to write than a
comedy. We are confident he is not acquainted with our Bohemian
Oirls and Matildas, or else he would have amended his advertisement
in the following style :—"A complete comedy in four and twenty
hours, and the libretto of an opera whilst the person waits." It is quite
a new era in the literary world, when an author can be hired, like a
cab, by the hour. There should be a scale of charges drawn out, to
prevent imposition. We suggest the following :—

AUTHORS' FARES.
The hire of an Author—first hour . ... 2s.
Ditto ditto second hour .... is.
And after the rate of fid. for every succeeding hour, and 6d. for every fractional part
of in .hour.

The above is for authors writing only with one pen ; but for those who have been
trained to write with two pens—one in each hand, after the Dumas system—two-thirds
more of the above fares are to be taken.

Stoppages not allowed. Back fare, or reading over the copy, to be Is. for 100 paces

of prose, and Cd. for 500 pages of poetry. In cases of dispute as to time or length, the
copy to be read and measured by the parish beadle, and the expenses to be paid by the
losing party. All ideas, jokes, metaphors, and sentiments, old, middle-aged, or new,
left in the MS., to he the property of the hirer for 12 months; but the author to be
answerable for all libels above 40s. Authors hired by the day, week, month, or year, to
be paid according to private agreement.

There is already an office in the Strand for ihe hire of authors, where
all kinds of literary job-work are executed upon the smallest terms,
from a sermon to a conundrum for a tobacco-paper. We should not
be surprised shortly to hear that there was a stand for authors opened
in Stationers' Hall, where any rich amateur who is ambitious to reach
popularity, can engage any vehicle he pleases to arrive at that end ;
do matter whether it be in the walks of fact, or fiction, or a little of
both, such as history—or neither, such as Mr. Ainsworth's romances.
Signor Nicolo Corridi might come over and officiate at the head of
them, as the literary waterman. Alas ! that the ranks of literature
should be reduced to those of a hackney-coach stand !

THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH'S LOCUSTS.

We are sorry to learn that the wheat in the neighbourhood of
B!enheim has, to a great extent, b^en devoured by locusts, in the shape
of hares and pheasants. The Globe informs us, that

" It is a sad fact that, from the very large quantity of game preserved on the Duke
of Marlborough's estate at Blenheim, some of the corn-growing land in the locality
will not produce a bushel of com to the acre. His Grace has some hundreds of acres of
arable land in his occupation, which is now unproductive, and which has not this season
been cultivated."

The man, it has been said, deserves the thanks of his country, who
makes two blades of wheat grow where but one grew before. What
does he deserve who causes an acre tn yield but one bushel of corn,
and the land on which corn grew, or might have grown, in abundance
to produce none whatever ?

:- -

Unboly Matrimony.

Queen Isabella of Spain, it is said, intends, for good and sufficing
reasons, to apply to his Holiness the Pope for a divorce from the hus-
band of her compulsion. Thouuh a marriage may have proved the
destruction of a woman's happiness, its dissolution may not inordinary
cases be allowable. The nuptial knot is a hallowed ligature—when
duly tied ; but this instance is exceptional. Whom Loujs-Philippr
hath joined together, it may be competent to man to put asunder.