Punch: Punch (17.1849)

84

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

from " a Lady in a feeble state of health," who is in search of " quiet"
and an " airy chamber" with any " pious widow;" but though the
chance is open to all England (in the widow line) there is an avowed
preference for the neighbourhood of Camberwell. It almost gives us
an attack of the dismals to contemplate the desired junction between
the "lady in feeble health" and the "pious widow," for we can un-
derstand that they would stand to each other in the relation of Job's
comforters.

We turn at once from this mournful picture to the more lively
announcement of "a profitable opportunity for a young man with
£400," which sum he is expected apparently to dub up in exchange for
a little employment in the shape of " duties of a merely routine nature."
What the duties are, or what they will produce, except that pleasing
sense of usefulness which the discharge of any duty will create, is not
specified. The advertisement adds that " the sole reason for disposing
of the business is the retirement of the proprietor,"—a state of things
we can well understand, for we have heard of persons, after obtaining a
few hundreds by the offer of an "eligible opportunity" sinking at
once into such thorough retirement that all attempts to disturb it by
finding it out have proved impossible.

We think the above afford a very fair day's sample of Gems of
Advertising Literature.

THE THAMES STEAM CONDENSEES.

Science may talk as it will about the condensation of Steam, but the
effect is quite insignificant compared with the marvellous condensation
of steamboat passengers. Cocker has told us that " fifties into one
won't go," but we have seen five or six hundred go into one steamboat,
and the wonder has been that the whole concern did not go to the
bottom.

We have heard of the horrors of the Middle Passage, but let any one
take a middling or average passage in a Thames steamboat, and he will
be sent packing, or rather packed, in a style that scarcely the slave ships
themselves could surpass for the economy of space, and the annihilation
of comfort.

Since it appears impossible for the authorities to prevent the steamers
from taking an unlimited number of passengers, we presume that thepublic
must be left to probe the evil one of these days on their own account, by
diving deeper into it some day than may be found consistent wil h safety.
Amidst the odd names that are given to the craft, we wonder the really
appropriate one of the " Down, down, derry down," has not yet been
hit upon. We think, however, if the crowding cannot be stopped, it
may at least be mitigated by some new contrivances for "stowing
away" the surplus passengers, instead of leaving them to find accom-

modation on each other's toes, till the contest as to whose shoe leather
shall be the upper leather, is their sole employment during the voyage.

The funnels might surely be made available by having rows of seats
placed all round them, and as it may be observed that the more
dangerous a place looks to be, the more eager the public will be to
crowd into it, there would be no difficulty in filling the funnel at
perhaps higher fares, under the pretext of keeping them as " reserved
seats," for the more exclusive among the passengers. The rudder
would also admit of a row of stalls along the top, and one passenger
might be permitted by previous booking to occupy the place usually
devoted to the figure-head, which should be rendered movable expressly
to admit of such an arrangement.

We have no doubt the Thames Steamboat proprietors will present us
with a day ticket to Hungerford for having given them the hints for
further accommodation, embodied in the suggestions and sketches that
are here presented to their attention.

A LAMENTABLE CASE OE DISTEESS.

A Book has just appeared with the title, " What shall I do with my
Money ? " We are laughing in anticipation at the countless answers this
poor gentleman will receive as the proposed remedy for his extra-
ordinary complaint. Every swindle, every bubble, every humbugging
scheme about town will be writing to him, advising him by all means to
invest his money in their office. As the poor fellow will naturally be
puzzled out of so many answers to know which one to choose, we will
give him our advice.

" If you are wise, my dear boy, you will keep your money."

But upon second thoughts, we think we can advise him better.

"If you do not know what to do with your money, we recommend
you, my dear fellow, to send it to No. 85, Eleet Street, where we know
a certain gentleman who will be happy to invest it for you to the very
best advantage. Eor fear of mistakes, the gentleman's name is
Mr. Putich. He will be happy to relieve you in jour present distress,
charge you nothing for it, and send you into the bargain a copy of his
invaluable work every week, price only 2>d. Please ring at the private
door."

This author must be a great original. If he were to exhibit himself at
the Egyptian Hall, he would make more money than he really would know
what to do with, for he is the very first person to our knowledge, who,
during the last two or three years, has had any money. The secret is
now out,—when every one was wondering where all the money had gone
to, it was quietly in the possession of this gentleman, who is now
reduced to such a state of overpowering distress, from an accumulation
of millions, that he is obliged to ask, " What shall I do with my money P "
He deserves being compelled to take an Opera House.

PUNCH'S PEACE PPJZE ESSAYS.

Punch perceiving that some societies of the Peace Congress are
giving Prizes for Essays in furtherance of pacific principles, is happy to
present them with a brief list of subjects, which he conceives may be
worked advantageously for their great cause, namely:—

1. On the Sensations attendant on the Entrance of a Bullet into any
sensitive Part of the human Body, and accompanying its Extraction by
tiie Surgeon's Scalpel: Also on those which, when lodged in some Bone
or Joint so that it cannot be removed, it continues to excite for Life.

2. On the Eeeling of having the Knee crushed by a Cannon-Bail,
and that of subsequently undergoing Amputation; and on the State of
a Man's Existence who goes about with a wooden Leg.

3. On lying with mangled Limbs on a Eield of Battle and having
them trampled on by a Troop of Horse.

4. On the Variety of Maims and Mutilations to which a Soldier is
liable, and their After-consequences with Respect to Comfort and
Enjoyment.

Papal Gratitude,

Sweet is it to chronicle acts of thanksgiving and gratitude of the
great ones of the earth, among whom it is undeniable, are Pros the
Ninth and Louis Napoleon the Last. The President restores the
Pope to Rome, and the Pope restores the Holy Inquisition. And
the Pope, out of conscience and tender heart offers to his champion,
when his Presidency shall have expired, the post of Secretary of the
Holy Office. When Italian liberty is to have a taste of the thumb-
screw, the Erenchman will no doubt—as he has already done—give her
" a good turn."

the antiquity of eubeka shirts.

What are Eureka Shirts ? The v/ord " Eureka " signifies " I have
found." Falstafi, in Henri/ IF., speaking of his ragged recruits, says,
" They '11 find lmen enough on every hedge." These, we suspect, were
the original Eureka Shirts.