Punch: Punch (17.1849)

HO PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE TEEEOES OE THE THAMES.

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Fab, be it from us to prevent our gallant soldiery from playing at
sieges when there is happily no necessity for their doing in earnest,
what they are in the habit of doing " only in fun ; " but that which
may be mere sport to them is likely to prove death to some of the
public, if cannon balls are to be sent flying over Plumstead Marshes
into the Thames, during the passing backwards and forwards of the
steam-boats. An artillery shell would consign to his coffin any unfor-
tunate excursionist, who having run down the river for a blow, may get
his expectations more than realised, by a ten or twelve pound bunch of
_rape flopping unexpectedly down upon his hat, and giving him a
ball'd head before the scythe of time has performed the operation of
thinning his hair, or cutting it off altogether. A correspondent of the
Times complains of a regular cannonade having been kept up by the
artillery, as he was passing in a steamer, and he gives a fearful descrip-
tion of a shot grazing the nose of the iigure-head, while another put
the captain under the necessity of either catching it literally, or dodging
it, as he stood on the paddle-box. We of course cannot judge of
the necessity there may be for using real ammunition in the course of
practice. But it would be as well for the practitioners to have some
aim in view, lest the innocent pleasure-seekers on the Thames should
become the involuntary targets of the brave defenders of their country.

BROUGHAM'S AGRICULTURAL DESIGNS.

Lord Brougham has made his first appearance at Penrith in his
last new character of " the British Parmer." Among the Agricultural
Designs which his Lordship intends shortly to introduce, we are enabled
to enumerate—

1. An improved plan for drilling the House of Lords.

2. A scheme for hatching Russian Ducks in this country.

3. A design for a scarifier for Lord Campbell.

4. A contrivance for irrigating the country with small talk.

Mathematical Error.

It is quite absurd to say that a square has four sides, any two of
which are equal.

Have the kindness to look at Leicester Square.

Has that four sides, pray ? and which two of those sides would you
call equal ?

Why, one side is completely gone, and out of the three left there are
not two alike. One side has eleven railings left, and the other two don't
number at the outside,—or the inside either,—more than thirty-three
between them, and one-half of those are wood.

It seems clear to us that Leicester Square, finding itself no longer
able to keep things square, has broken up its' London establishment, and
absconded, no one knows where. The horse is the only thing that
has not cut and run. The Royal Gent on horseback, whoever he
may be deserves being appointed " Rider A. 1."

THE GAME DISTRICTS.

Accounts of the Game this year all agree in stating that it is
very plentiful. On the Continent it is no less plentiful than in England.

At Wiesbaden the Game is kept alive from morning to night; and
many a poor pigeon has been plucked, cleaned out, and " done nicely to
a turn," in less than half-an-hour. The Grand Duke oe Nassau
superintends the Assembly-rooms himself, and frequently looks in at
the rouge-et-noir table, to see whether there is fair play. He has been
known more than once to stake a florin when the fun has been rather
flagging, and has lost it with the greatest good temper. He dines
occasionally at the tdble-d'hote, and mixes most graciously with the
guests whose kreutzers he has been winning the minute before.

The Gband Dek^i oe Baden has plainly declared be cannot afford
to give up the gambling ; and, more than that, will not. The rooms at
Baden-Baden are beautifully lighted up, and there is music to enliven
those who are losing their money. It is in contemplation to give all
frequenters a handsome supper, with unlimited Champagne, so as to
create a greater appetite and fiercer thirst for play. The Grand Duke
honours his princely gambling shop very frequently with his presence,
and is never so happy as when he sees all his subjects playing and
gamb(ol)ling about him; on these festive occasions he is generally
decorated witb the Grand Order of the Pleece.

Spa is very lively, and has had a good stroke of luck this Season.
The gay little town resounds all day with the merry cry of " Faites
votre jeu, Messieurs."

Aix-la-Chapelle has given up its, former rakish life, and has turned
respectable in its old age. We are told it kept up the ball to the very
last, being determined to " die game." The old sinner is occasionally
troubled with a desire to return to its abandoned habits, for with the
evil example at Spa so continually before its eyes, it requires more than
Spartan courage to resist a throw.

The other gambling shops are quietly awaiting the arrival of " ces
betes d' Anglais" A large sum, however, lias been cleared by a fashion-
able M. D., who has played his cards well at Hombourg. He is not
the only Doctor on the Continent who has jumpt into a fortune by
means of a mineral spring !

LIGHTLY TEIP IT, TEIP IT MEEEILY.

oor London is at this moment besieged by Prench
8-pounders in the shape of large parties of excur-
sionists, who for the moderate sum of £8, or 200
francs, are franked for an eight day's visit to the
great metropolis. With all due respect for our
great city, we must express our deep commisera-
tion for the fate of those unhappy Prenchmen
who during this dull period of the year are
brought over to see the Lions of London. Great
efforts are made to get up an attractive pro-
gramme to induce the Prench to revisit us just
now, but there are one or two points that might
we are sure be introduced with advantage into the prospectus. We think,
for example, that something might be made of Wapping Old Stairs,,
which, though sounding familiar enough to us under the English title,
would make an excellent line when translated into

les vieux escaliers de wapping.

Of course the ingenuity of the guides will not have overlooked the
interesting features of

LE MABCHE DU CHAMP DE SMITH,

or Smithfield Market, which must possess peculiar fascinations for a
Frenchman, who has always been taught to believe it the Grand Mart
for the famous or infamous

vente des femmes,

in which wives are knocked down, whole lots at a time, with an
auctioneer's hammer. \

Among other spots that may be specified as full of interest to the
Prench excursionists, is the

Celebre Mer de Batter,

including a visit to the Red House, where an opportunity will occur of
being introduced to the

chevalier de maison rouge

or landlord of the Red House, who may easily be confounded with the
hero that Alexandre Dumas has immortalised.

We bope to see our suggestions embodied in the next prospectuses
of the 200 franc trip, which must by this time be getting somewhat in
want of a fresh impetus.