Punch: Punch (17.1849)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

"TOGETHER LET US RANGE THE FIELD."

Such is the invitation that is constantly on the lips of certain common
councilmen with reference to the field of Smith, or Smithfield, which
constitutes in their opinion a sort of Elysian Eield, where the summit
of bliss—and a good deal of summut else—lies within the reach of them-
selves and their families. The undaunted Mb. Dixon, whose ipse-dixit,
or ipse dix-on-it, goes a great way with his civic brethren, has taken
advantage of the prevailing epidemic to announce his unshaken confi-
dence in the salubrity of Smithfield, and he declared publicly a day or
two ago, that he would gladly locate his family on the spot, as a safe-
guard for them against Cholera. The idea is a bold one, and is well
worthy of the same vigorous imagination that saw in the gutters and
cattle-pens of the market a promenade for mature age, and a play-
ground for infancy. Perhaps if an application were made to our
old friend E. M. at Apsley House, permission might be granted for
a regimental band—that of the Cold-streams would be most suitable
—to attend in the market during a couple of afternoons in the week,
and Smithfield might thus be rendered a kind of East End Kensington
Gardens, for the out-door re-unions of common councilmen and their
families.

PHYSIC POR COURTS-MARTIAL.

Mb. Punch has been enabled, by the advancement of Medical
Science, to invent a series of Valuable Remedies for the Cobbec-
tion and Pbomotion of the Mobal and Intellectual Functions.
His Anti-Pabtiallty Pills are infallible in Cases of Undue Favoub
and Affection, and warranted a certain Cure for that Winking of
the Eye at the Delinquencies of Supebiob Opeicebs, which is so
disgraceful a characteristic of Mabtial—particularly of Naval—
Tbibunals. His Tinctube of Justice will be found efficacious in
equalising the severity with which Offenders are treated in due pro-
portion to their misdeeds. His Ellxib of Common Sense is a certain
stimulant to the Intellectual Faculties, enabling the most obtuse
and asinine to perceive the Merits of a Case.

In proof of the great necessity that exists for these Medicines,
Mr. Punch needs only to point to the proceedings of two recent Courts-
Martial. On the one hand, a Lieutenant and a Master in the Navy,
pleading guilty of desertion from their vessel, are sentenced to be dis-
missed Heb Majesty's service, to be rendered incapable of serving her
again, and to be imprisoned for twelve months. Their excuse was that
they were driven to desert by the tyranny and ill usage of their Captain.
On the other hand, the Captain himself, brought to trial for cruelty and
oppression, and besides, for false expenditure of stores and entering
falsehoods in the log-book, and convicted of all these charges, is simply
sentenced to dismissal from the service. Now, unless the demon who
instigates is less culpable than the victim who sins, the Captain that
drives his officers to desert is at least as blameworthy as the deserters.

It is for the prevention of such deplorable cases as that above recited,
that the Anti-Pabtiality Pills, the Tinctube of Justice, and the
Ellxib of Common Sense, are respectfully offered by Mr. Punch to
the Lords of the Admiralty, with a recommendation that a dose of
these invaluable Medicines shall be administered to the members of all
future Courts-Martial about to try a senior officer on the prosecution
of his junior, whereby they will be preserved from passing iniquitous
sentences calculated to bring disgrace and discredit on the British
Flag.

%* One Trial—especially such another as Commandeb Pitman's—
will prove the fact.

THE BLACK FLAG OF ST. SAYIOUR'S.

We are convinced that "truth" really " is strange—stranger than
fiction." It is written in the Times that, at a vestry-meeting of St.
Saviour's, Southwark, there was passed a deliberate resolution to dis-
obey an order of the Board of Health for the closure of a certain grave-
yard in that district, called the " Cross-bones " burial ground. Under
existing circumstances that this vote can have been carried, is less
credible than the greatest lie in Munchausen.

Perhaps some future historian, of more imagination than chronology,
will relate how the name of St. Saviour's was given to this parish by
popular irony during the epidemic of 1849, and will cite in support of
his conjecture the astounding fact above recorded.

The vestry-men of St. Saviour's have made a bold stand indeed
against their sanitary aggressors. Of course their motto is, "No Sur-
render," meaning " We won't give up our charnel! " Of course, also,
they have nailed their flag to the mast, and it only remains for us to
observe, that this flag is the " Death's head and Cross-bones."

Impobtant Recipe—To diminish the weekly average of burials in
London -.—Close the graveyards.

115

IN FOR IT—HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.

Once on a time there was a gentleman who won an elephant in a
raffle.

It was a very fine elephant, and very cheap at the price the gentleman
paid for his chance.
But the gentleman had no place to put it in.
Nobody would take it off his hands.
He couldn't afford to feed it.

He was afraid of the law if he turned it loose into the streets.
He was too humane to let it starve.
He was afraid to shoot it.

In short, he was in a perplexity very natural to a gentleman with—
moderate means, a small house, common feelings of humanity—and an
elephant.

France has won her elephant at Rome,

She has brought back the Pope.

She is at her wits' end what to do with him.

She can't abet the Pope and the Cardinals, because she interfered
in the cause of Liberty.

She can't abet the Republicans, because she interfered in the cause
of the Pope and the Cardinals.

She can't act with Austria, because Austria is absolutist.

She can't act against Austria, because France is conservative and
peaceful.

She can't continue her army in Rome, because it is not treated with
respect.

She can't withdraw her army from Rome, because that would be to
stultify herself.

She can't go forward, because she insisted on the Roman people
going backward.

She can't go backward, because the French people insist on her
going forward.

She can't choose the wrong, because public opinion forges her to the
right.

She can't choose the right, because her own dishonesty has forced
her to the wrong.

In one word, she is on the horns of a dilemma, and the more she
twists, the more sharply she feels the points on which she is impaled,
like a cockchafer in a cabinet, for the inspection of the curious in the
lighter and more whirligig species of political entomology.

Poor France—will nobody take her precious bargain off her hands ?
Rome is her bottle imp. She bought it dear enough, but can't get rid of
it " at any price."

EMERSON EXPLAINED.
We are told by an Irish contemporary, that—

" Emerson's words are full of truth. ' Let the single man plant himself indomitably
on his instincts, and there abide, and the huge world will come round to him.' "

We are not sure that we comprehend the meaning of these words
of Mb. Emebson. By a single man's planting himself indomitably on
his_instincts, and there abiding, we can only understand his determining
to indulge an inclination for cigars and brandy-and-water; and becoming
a confirmed sot; in which case, if the huge world will not exactly
come round to him, it will assuredly go round to him continually.