Punch (41.1861)

July 20, 1861.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

29

OUR NATIONAL DEFENDERS.

ear Punch,

“ I began to spin a yarn
a week or two ago about
a visit I bad paid to some
naval friends at Sherrys-
moutb, on board tbe training
ship Excelsior, as I ventured
to re-cbristen ber. Any-
thing in any way relating to
our navy must always be to
Englishmen a matter of
some interest, and you will
doubtless therefore let me
scrawl what more I have to
say.

“I have a horribly bad
memory (as the tax-gatherer
well knows), but I shall not
soon forget my first night
on board ship. Don’t think
I’d been gormandising, or
N taking too much wine. _ They
give you good pfein dinners
at mess in the Excelsior, but
do not tempt your appetite
with nightmare - breeding
dainties. And as for getting tipsy, there is little fear of that. Twice
the port goes round when the cloth has been removed (the first glass
being emptied to the only toast—‘ The Queen ! ’), and then you have
your coffee, and perhaps one glass of sherry while it is being brought.
Old Bacchanals may think this a niggardly allowance, but young blood
needs but little wine to keep up its life-heat, and young pockets are
the healthier for this wise rule of abstinence.

“The simple reason why I long shall remember that first night was
that I slept with my ears within six inches of the deck, and a sentry
with new boots was walking all night over me. Two inches of deal
plank were all the barrier between my hearing and his heels; and
although I am well used to Waits and catawaulings, and all the ‘voices
of the night5 that make it hideous in town, this novel illustration of
the Power of Sound was quite enough to keep me from all hope of
going to sleep. Creak, crunch ! Creak, crunch ! If he had worn a
wooden leg the torment could not have been worse. Creak, crunch!
now coming nearer till his steps crunch through my head, and then
receding gradually until he faces round, and then creak, crunch! creak,
crunch !! the torture as before. It is a satisfaction certainly to know
one’s sleep is watched, that is to say, supposing that one can get to
sleep. One feels inclined to say all sorts of sentimental things about
the sweet little cherub that walks upon deck to watch over the life of
poor Jack. But when the sweet little cherub is a heavy-footed sentry
with a pair of creaking boots, one is prone at any risk to wish he were
off duty, or at all events that he had got his boots off.

“ However lazy and luxurious their life may be ashore, there is no
fear of guests getting too much sleep on the Excelsior. At half-past
five, shore time, or three bells, to be nautical, the day’s business begins
with a general rouse-out; and for a stranger to snooze through the
bustle that ensues would be as easy as to fell asleep when first one
hears Niagara. I was on the poop by seven, and found some future
Admirals (at present mere Lieutenants on ten shillings a day, less
Income-Tax, which Government, before it pays, deducts) hard at it in
their shirt-sleeves with single-stick and foil, and practising their left
hands to as good skill as their right. The chance of being wounded of
course is ever present to the mind of fighting men, and in practice
with the big guns, as well as with the small arms, care is rightly taken
to provide against disablement.

“ Breakfast at seven—hear it, ye who snore till twelve !—mess things
all washed up, and men and boys all fresh and rosy from their scrub,
standing at 8'50 for inspection on parade; drill from 9 till half-past
10; stand easy for five minutes, and then drill again until 1L45;
dinner at noon, and pipe up those who like to smoke (a filthy habit,
yes, dear, but you should just see how clean the deck is swabbed up
after it!); drill at 2 bells until 5 bells. I beg your pardon. Cockney,
I mean to say from one o’clock until half-past two; stand easy for five
minutes, and then drill resumed till 4'45, when all hands knock off
work, and, after taking supper, turn in at 8 bells. These details of the
day’s routine I jotted down onboard from my own personal observation,
and this important circumstance I think it right to state: because if
making such things public be a peril to the country, it is right that
I alone should suffer for the fault. N aval officers are now forbidden
by the Admiralty to contribute any naval knowledge to the press; so
I trust by my. confession to save my friends at Sherrysmouth from the
charge of having blabbed to me the secrets I’ve disclosed.

, <£ From these details one may see that the Excelsior is not a ship for
idlers or skulkers. It is in ooint of fact a floating nublie school;

public to all sailors, who are able seamen, and can read and write,
prom the commander to the cabin boys (who wait at mess so neatly,
although one of them did spill the curry over my dress-coat) every
‘hand’ on board has good hard work cut out for him, and every head
is exercised as well as every hand. One stares at first to see big horny-
fisted fellows ciphering like schoolboys with slates upon their laps;
and one stares still more to hear that trigonometry, perhaps, is the
study over which those brown-faced heads are scratched. In big gun
work it seems that trigonometry is somewhat of a help to tngger-
nometry; and so, ye mariners of England who wish to raise your pay,
by serving your nine months at school in the Excelsior, must make
your minds up to a dose of mathematics now and then, or you will not
get your certificate of having passed the ship. Gouty old bewailers of
the good old naval times, when Jack Tars fried their watches, and
made expensive sandwiches of twenty-pound bank-notes, must terribly
lament this march of education, and bless their dear eyes that the
change did not happen in their day. Well, I don’t believe myself men
fight the worse for knowing how to read and write; and whether in
the navy, or in any other service, so long as a man’s body is kept in
good strong health, the more brains that he has the better it will be
tor him.

“Wishing well to all our Blue Jackets, as every Briton should,

“I remain, under command,

“Your Naval Inspector.”

A FASHIONABLE SQUARE.

An Advertisement, occupying a conspicuous place in one of the
principal columns of our fashionable contemporary, offers—

jgLACK REAL LACE SQUARES FROM 16 GUINEAS.

Who would be such an ass as to marry a woman that expected to go
about with a shawl upon her shoulders costing 16 guineas at least ?
That a “ lace square,” by the bye, is a sort of shawl, it may perhaps
be necessary to inform some of our fellow men, who are bachelors, or
who, being married, are not accnstomed to scan the items of their
wives’ milliners’ bills. A duck of a shawl no doubt, the purchaser
whereof plays ducks and drakes with money. Prom 16 guineas to
what sum does the price of these things ascend ? What is the highest
figure of a lace square, if 16 guineas is the lowest ? How; much would
the entire dress, of which the lace square is only a portion, probably
come to ? The wearer, very likely, take her jewels and all, stands for
several hundred pounds. What a walking Income-Tax for her husband!
How can such a wife be supported by anybody but a man of boundless
affluence ? She must needs be ruinous to the fool who married her,
unless he is so exceedingly rich a fool as to be blest with wealth in
inverse proportion to brains. We should like to know the total ex-
pense of an establishment and a style of living maintained in conformity
with the real lace square at from 16 guineas. In many a case, doubtless,
there is a rapid transition from the square to the workhouse. It is
well that females have no political rights. If they had any, the 16
guinea shawl-wearers would exercise in the Legislature an influence on
the national expenditure very different from that which is exerted by
the ten-pound householders. To what immensity the representatives
of these mcamations of extravagance would swell the estimates !

With a view to defray the expenditure of one such sumptuous
woman, her husband must have to resolve himself into a Committee of
Ways and Means. What then? Why, perhaps he sells the securities
which he is intrusted with, embezzles shares, or defrauds a bank, and
passes, from subjugation to her insatiable vanity, into penal servitude.

DON’T RUN POR GOLD.

There are Englishmen foolish enough to do the maddest things,
but we trust that our readers are too sensible to allow themselves to be
carried away by the absurd idea that gold is to be found in Nova Scotia.
We doubt if there is any money in the colony at all, or else they would
have built something like a decent hotel in Halifax long before this
time. To prove how villanously deficient it is in accommodation of
that kind, when the Prince of Wales visited the town, poor Lord
Mulgrave had to turn out of Government House to make room for
him. As for his Lordship, he was quite like an outcast in his own
capital. Por a whole week he slept on a billiard-table, without any
covering, and had to put his toes in the pockets to keep them warm.

Philosophy on the Butcher’s Block.

Prosperity, they say, is much more trying than Adversity. As
with Man, so it is with Meat. In adverse weather, it will keep sweet
for a long time ; but only let there be a long succession of sunshine,
and see how quickly it goes to the bad !