Punch (61.1871)

December 2, 1871.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

227

TREASURES OF MEMORY.

Marmaduke. " I say, Be own, Adams has given me all the Towns of
England to Write out. Tell us where Exeter comes, will yer?"

Launcelot (who has a vjonderful Idea of Sound). " Why, we Learnt 'm all
in Class the other Day. Devonshire, Exeter, Leviticus, Numbers,
Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth-"

LATEST EDITION.

Our Bigley Correspondent telegraphs that a cow on a neighbouring farm has
given birth to a calf with two tails.

Our Wateringmore Correspondent telegraphs that a catfish has been caught
off the pier, and is now being exhibited on the esplanade at a halfpenny per head.

Our Canterbridge Correspondent telegraphs that Mr. Adam Walker Gramble,
from Bumbleswick School, was this day elected Sizar of St. Guthred's College.
There were 39 candidates. Mr. John Trolloby (Backwood Grammar School),
proxime accessit.

Our Bally goboozle Correspondent telegraphs that the Constabulary have
discovered two pitchforks concealed in a ditch under highly suspicious circum-
stances, and a heap of mud.

Our Correspondent in the North of Russia telegraphs a serious rise in the price
of Caviare.

Our Jokingham Correspondent telegraphs that an alarming appearance was
observed in the sky over that town at a late hour last night. By a subsequent
telegram we are glad to learn that a large bonfire in the neighbourhood was the
cause of our Correspondent's uneasiness.

Our Sandridge_ Correspondent telegraphs an enormous influx of excursionists
into that favourite seaside resort. Not a shrimp left in the place—every
whelk sold.

Our Daddlebury Correspondent telegraphs the opening of a grand Fine Arts,
Industrial, Horticultural, Agricultural, Piscicultural, Technological, and Gas-
tronomical Exhibition (combined with a Poultry Show), in the Town Hall.
Mr. Walesby Stunnerall, the Borough Member, was present, and delivered
the maugural address.

Our Warden Wells Correspondent telegraphs this morning the unanimous
election, by the Town Council, of Mr. Walter H. Widdiman to the vacant
office of Superintendent of the Borough Fire Brigade.

Arithmetical Nicety—The objection of some Conservatives to Ms. Dis-
raeli for their Leader is, that he is too clever by—exactly—half.

A WELCOME BACK TO JOHN BRIGHT.

We 'be glad to see you back, John,

Good men are not so rife,
But the House must feel the lack, John,

Of a leader in the strife.
A leader big of brain, John,

And strong and straight of stroke,
Whose breath's not spent in vain, John,

Whose buffet is no joke.

Sore, sore we feel the need, John,

Of pioneers like you,
Who onward while they speed, John,

Secure the ground gone through,
Whose eyes have got a cast, John,

That front and back take in . . .
And by the distance passed, John,

Can gauge the height to win.

Who though to Progress vowed, John,

Yet Precedent can weigh ;
As bad as clique think crowd, John,

Hot haste as dull delay.
Who the Odgers and the Dilkes, John,

Can measure to a hair ;
Can trounce the knave that milks, John,

The fool that's milked can spare.

Whose tongue will never stick, John,

Hum-bugs hum-bugs to call:
Whose hand can wind-bags prick, John,

Until small men sing small;
Now the Press that should cut short, John,

To folly gives full flow,
Till in its long report, John,

Our dwarfs as giants show.

We want you, John, we want you

To lesson each young fool,
Who flourishes, to daunt you,

His red-cap raw from school.
We want you, John, to teach lads

The worth of what they've got:
And with your rod to reach lads,

Who lessons learn will not.

We want you, John, to beacon

The ship from shoal and reef,
Whose risks wise pilots reckon,

Fools scorn, and come to grief.
In short we want your aid, John,

In steerage more than steam—
And the longer you have stayed, John,

The welcomer you seem !

SUPREMOS IN EXTREMIS.

Monsignoe Franchi has returned from Stamboul
with the gratifying intelligence that the Porte has recog-
nised the Pope as the supreme head of the Roman
Catholic Church!

There has been a time when St. Peter would hardly
have accepted such a testimonial at the hands of Ma-
hound. But misery makes a man—even a vicegerent
of Heaven—acquainted with strange bedfellows. The
Holy Father, deserted by his faithless sons, the crowned
heads of Christendom, may find a comfort in recognition
from "the Commander of the Faithful." Still, one good
turn deserves another. The least the Pope can do now
will be to recognise the Padishah as supreme head
of El Islam. And then, suppose these two poor old
" supreme heads," tiaraed and turbaned, laid them-
selves together—a second edition of "the grand two-
headed combination" — to see how they oculd best
arrange for a mutual "happy dispatch"— Padishah
snapping off Pope's head, and Pope Padishah's, to the
great quieting of the world " in scecula sceculorwn."
Supreme heads !—qiJen sabe? When impostures or im-
posthumes come to a head they burst. "Supremus"
means last as well as highest; and Abdul Assiz may
prove, not impossibly, the last Sultan, andPio Nono, not
improbably, the last Pope.