Punch (95.1888)

40

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 28, 1888.

SARAH ON THE DEVELOPMENT OF GENIUS.

Lv this land of Bernard ■
Bebee _ [stout;
On m'a dit I'm getting'
In great roles I must appear,
Present costumes must
"let out."

I must take no bread nor butter—
" Butter " I shall miss, alack!

"When I cease to be "too utter,"
To the Francois I '11 go back.

LEGAL " EXHIBITS."

On Thursday of last week there was what the newspapers call a " Scientific
At Home " at the Temple, when various electrical appliances were exhibited, and
the haunt of the lawyers was illuminated from outside by electric lamps—but
ought not the illumination to have come from within P The subjoined are a few
of the articles which may have been on view:—

1. The Wig of the Future—warranted not to make one's hair come off. In
connection with The Patent Judge-Awakcner, warranted to make one's-case
come on.

2. An Automatic Grand Jury—all ready "charged," by a Recorder or
Judge, with electric force, and guaranteed to find true Bills for eight consecutive
hours without renewing the supply.

3. The Judge's Friend. Being a robe formed exclusively of the dried skins
of electric eels, causing the wearer a series of mild but continuous shocks,
effectually stimulating the intellect and preventing sleep.

i. Patented Arrangement—for suddenly converting the interior of a Court of
Law into a first-class Restaurant, so as to obviate the necessity of the mid-day
adjournment. Cleverest Members of Junior Bar act as head waiters. Barons of
beef for Mr. Baron Httddleston's Court. Hash for Counsel.

5. The Mechanical Juryman—with a label, "Put a ton of forensic balder-
dash into the (jury) box, and the figure will return a verdict according to the
weight—of the evidence.

6. A Model Costs-Reducer. New method (been tried once) of drawing up
Solicitor's charges and taxing them simultaneously. Has taxed the inventor's
ingenuity for years. So far it has only failed to act on a single occasion.

7. New Way of " Taking Silk"—by subjecting silk-worms to unpleasant
electric vibrations.

8. The Phonograph, or Storage of Judgments. Lord Chancellor {twenty
years hence). " L sher, turn on my predecessor in Juggins v. Bellamy. Bather
squeaky. Perhaps Lord Halsbury had a cold that morning. Still, there 's
his opinion in favour of the Plaintiff's view. That settles it. Judgment for
Defendant, with costs."

9. Punishment on a Novel Plan. "Fourteen Days, or six prods of the
Galvanic Titillator." (Machine shown, and tried.)

VOCES POPULI.

AT THE ANGLO-DANISH EXHIBITION.

Scem:.—The Grounds on a July afternoon. One heavy shower is
just making way for another. A light fog. Military Band
conscientiously performing to rows of ivooden chairs. Attendants
hoisting strings of limp Chinese lanterns to posts, and baling
rain-water out of coloured oil-lamps. Enter a Pleasure-Seeker,
who has been ordered by his Doctor to " divert his mind as much
as possible." He feels a little uncertain where to begin his diver-
sion, as the saddles of the galloping horses in the Steam- Circus
look too soaked to be inviting ; but, seeing a couple picking their
way through the puddles towards the " Danish Grotto of Mys-
teries," he follows.

In the Grotto.

A Gloomy Man in a Friar's habit receives their threepences, and
leads the way into the interior, which is entirely dark. The
Lady of the couple giggles.
The Fi-iar {in a solemn voice). Go straight on, and do not be afraid.
[He stops before a sort of ticket-hole in the canvas rock,^ through
which they dimly perceive an illuminated transparency depicting two
insipid young persons on a garden seat.) Youth and Decay.

The Gentleman. Where do you make out that Decay comes m,
Guv'nor ?

Friar [with sombre triumph). Here! [Pulls string—figures on seat
change to skeletons.)

The Lady (unappalled). How funny! Do you mind doing that
over again ?

[The Friar seems hurt and depressed by such a request, but com-
plies. He then leads the Party to a Canvas Cavern, ivhere,
■upon a board at the threshold being trodden upon, a rickety
skeleton emerges.

The Lady (still calm). Law! What are those two twinkling things ?
Friar {suppressing his annoyance). They are the flaming eyes of
the apparition.

The Lady. I suppose that's done with candles inside of its head ?
[Friar declines to reveal this grim secret, and proceeds to another
cave, where four more skeletons are grouped in a faint green
light. He pulls a secret string, and two of the skeletons
extend their arms with a grisly rattle.

The Lady. That 'a rather pretty, isn't it ?

The Gentleman. We've come to the right shop for skeletons, eh ?
[They pass into the Stalactite Cavern, which contains an earthy
smell, and a " correct representation, as those of the party
who have visited Elsinore will hear icitness, of the Ghost
Scene from Hamlet." The Lady commends the moon, which
she says " looks quite icatery." _ They then inspect a paste-
board seaman dying of starvation on an iceberg, and depart.

Our Pleasure-Seeker seeks to restore himself by taking afternoon tea
at a damp table under a dripping tree, until driven by stress of
weather into the Conservatory, where a " Watteau Concert" is
going on. . Three Gentlemen in velvet Court suits and ichite icigs
are singing a trio describing " What a merry, merry life we
Gipsies lead ! " tvith a laughing chorus. Concert concludes with
" Vocal Polka" by three young Ladies, in costume, illustrating
the joys of washing tvith real pails, linen, and soapsuds. Not
greatly exhilarated, the P. S. repairs to the Lake. Here a
languid row of spectators are gazing from under umbrellas at a
Professor in a tight suit of black, who is standing on his head at
the bottom of a glass tank ivhile his feet are waving above the
surface. The Professor rights himself, and puts his head above
water to bow, and make a damp little speech. "I shall now
show you—Eating under xoater ! Sits at bottom of_ tank and
consumes a biscuit. Several Spectators drift aivay, their curiosity
satisfied. The P. S., after watching the Professor and his Pupil
gambolling in the Lake like porpoises,^ begins to feel depression
coming on again, and enters the Exhibition, hoping to gain some
idea of the Commerce and Industry of Denmark.

In the Exhibition.

The Scene is characterised by a profound calm. Exhibitors behind
stalls rouse themselves from torpor as the P. S. passes, and
attempt to attract his attention.
First Exhibitor (hopelessly). Have you heard the new organ-top,
Sir ? [Spins it on a plate ; it drones in a devotional chord, reminding
the P. S. of a Cathedral Scene on the stage.
Second Ex. Excuse me. Sir, but have you seen the wonderful new
invention for drawing corks ?

Third Ex. (imploringly). Will you allow me to. show you this
patent self-threading needle, Sir ?

_ Fourth Ex. One moment, Sir. The advantage of using our patent
pickle-fork is that you avoid spearing, pricking, stabbing, or wound-
ing the pickle. Sir; you press it gently with the knob—thus!
[Illustrates this humanitarian device tvith a bottle full of small corks.
P.-S. hurries on, like Ulysses passing the Sirens. At one stall
the Exhibitor is asleep, and a Fireman is tickling his ear with a
pen. At another a good-looking Policeman is dallying.
Stallkeeper (archly, to Policeman). Ah, you haven't your friend
opposite to talk to to-day !

Policeman. What friend? All my friends—(tenderly)—are this
side of the way.

Stallk. How innercent we are! You know who I mean. Your
partiekler friend—Mary, if you must 'ave it. I've seen your
goings on ! [Policeman protests. Dialogue continued in undertone.

A Stallkeeper (paying flying visit to another). WeU, dear, and
how have you been doing to-day ?

Her Friend (viciously). Oh, don't ask!—I could kick the people!