Punch (95.1888)

December 8, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

267

Now, if you by chance seem short of
cash.

Keep in de middle ob de road !
Don't tax de people heavily, or soon
you '11 go to smash.
Keep in de middle ob de road !
But, if dey hear you a-singing too
small,

Dey 're sure to say you are gwine to
fall,

And do not know your business, and
are no good at all.
Keep in de middle ob de road !

Chorus.

Don't be too fast at cramming, you '11
find that is no go,
Keep in de middle ob de road!
But little chance you'll stand if you
make the pace too slow.
Keep in de middle ob de road !
London will not care for a Board

dat's all awry;
Den show you are tolerant, as well as

smart and spry.
She '11 chuck you, if to imitate the
bad Old Ring you try.
Keep in de middle ob de road!

Chorus.

You corner-men, don't kick up too
much shindy left and right,
Keep in de middle ob de road !
And, Mr. (Diggle) Johnson, do not
hold de reins too tight,
Keep in de middle ob de road !
Or de trap may capsize, and de wheels

be in de air.
Don't show sectarian temper, or tear

agnostic hair,
For you are not put dere ober trifles
for to swear.
Keep in de middle ob de road !

Chorus.

Den, Minstrels, keep in de middle ob
de road!
You will bless de rising race
If you go a steady pace,

And keep in de middle ob de road!

THE REAL CRIEVANCE OFFICE.

[Before Lord Commissioner Punch.)
An Efficient Volunteer introduced.

Commissioner. Well, Sir, what
can I do for you ?

Efficient Volunteer [saluting).
Assist me to get a satisfactory sub-
stitute for Wimbledon.

Com. Surely you are in good hands.
I read in the papers this week there
is to be a meeting of representatives
of the National Rifle Association to
consider what is best to be done.

Eff. Vol. Not the first by many,
my Lord. Meetings are always being
held with the same object in view.

Com. Do you suggest that these
meetings are useless ?

Eff. Vol. Certainly, as two parties
are pulling one against the other.

Com. How comes it there should
be such an unfortunate situation ?

-Ejf. Vol. I suppose, my Lord,
because one party thinks more of
soldiering than five-o'clock tea and
picnics.

Com. Would you suggest that
Wimbledon was used for either
purpose ?

Eff Vol. I would. The Cottage
was the rendezvous of the creme de
la creme of Society—very good people
in their way, but not likely to pro-
duce a Queen's Medallist.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.

Miss Margaret. "Pray sit down. I'm so sorry Mamma and my Sistees are out!"
Shy Cm-ate [who has called on Parish business). "Oh, prat don't mention it. One of the
Family is quite enough ! "

Com. And you think consideration for these distinguished persons keeps the question of a new
site an open one ?

Eff. Vol. I do. The people who used to come to Wimbledon to lounge on the lawn and eat
ices are not likely to be satisfied if the new Shooting-ground is situated beyond striking distance
of town. No doubt some of them might come to us on the tops of coaches, but only at considerable
inconvenience.

Com. Then what would you suggest ?

Eff. Vol. That the Volunteers, and the Volunteers only, should be considered, and Lady De
Yeke _ and Lord Manikin should be told that their place is preferable to their company. What we
want is a place where business, and business only, must have a call upon our attention.

Com. How would Aldershot do ?

Eff. Vol. Admirably; and here [producing a list) is a paper containing a number of equally
excellent sites. What we want is to have the matter settled at once, without further shillyshallying.
Com. I will see that your reasonable request meets with immediate compliance.

[The Witness thanked his Lordship, and retired.

A CLEAR STAGE AND NO EAYOUR.

Last Friday Mr. Bandmann appeared before Mr. Justice Stteling in the Chancery Division, and
undertook to continue his previous undertaking not to perform Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the
United Kingdom. If this example is foUowed, of what varied enjoyments the theatre-going public
might he deprived, as for example,—

Mr. Ieving appeared before the Last of the Barons, and undertook not to make a speech about
the Drama in any part of the United Kingdom.

Mrs. Kendal undertook not to come before the Curtain and address the audience in any part of
Great Britain and Ireland. , i_; . , .

Mr. Toole appeared before the Lord Chief Justice, (who had never heard of the eminent Comedian,
and asked who he was), and undertook not to tell Joseph Hatton any more stories, and never
again to play in let on Parle Francais.

Mr. W. F. Hawtbey promised never to appear again as a King m a classical burlesque.

Mr. Teeeiss undertook not to perform the character of a genuine British Sailor, in London or
the Provinces, after the termination of his present engagement.

Mr. Forbes Robeetson submitted to a perpetual injunction preventing him from ever playing in
blank verse. .

Mr. Chaeles Collette undertook not to perform in. Comic Opera within the United Kingdom.

Miss Geace Hawthorne has undertaken to cease from appearing in Matinees within the juris-
diction of the Supreme Court.

Mr. Wilson Baeeett appeared before everybody, and took a solemn pledge not to play again
in any part of the United Kingdom.

Old Style Modernised.—The Exchange Club, as a name, sounds well. Motto over the umbrella
stand, " Exchange—no Robbery! " Members will be bound to exchange salutations and compli-
ments every day. If the grill is to be a feature, the name "Exchange Club " is apparently only a
new form of the old " Chop-House."