Punch / Almanack: Punch / Almanack (1868)

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOE 1868

There lived a youth (he liveth yet),
And Richard was he christened;
And well he played the flageolet.
And all the ladies listened;

And some were even heard to say
His brow was handsome (in its way).

i But ’twas not yet too late to mend ;
He got dumb-bells, and shyly,

He took the counsel of a friend
(“ Experimentum vili ”)
i And tried them first on his left arm.
And found they acted like a charm !

A SIMPLE STORY.

But Richard met Ren Ball, a man
All chest, and cheek, and shoulder.
And ever so much bigger than
Himself, though little older;
Whose biceps Richard felt and found
It measured fifteen inches round !

Now this demoralised him quite ;

xVnd then he took to reading
'The naughty books that ladies write
And found there, with exceeding
Dismay, that ladies’ heroes are
Wild, wicked men, and muscular !

^SUSSSSaifC/

But little sinew, an?,,11nih3 A
Could Richard'3
And wickedness is r‘ a
In men that play the

Much bigger waxed his biceps, but
When this left arm was finished.
The left lobe of his occiput
Had sensibly diminished;

So then he went it, right and ail,
To make his nut symmetrical!

His nut soon got so hardened that
It hurt you when you hit it;

Nor could his hatter find a hat
(Already made) to fit it,

So marvellously small it grew.

As all may judge from this back view.

At length a happy da.' d dfi g<°
(Which 1 was there-.» M.
When Richard lifted *>Nre'vi 1*?!

A paving-stone, and~usd ^ W
Almost one foot tbrrC-u^iwi

And that with ladies

Not only that; he, on his head
So dexterously caught it
That all the ladies present said
They never should have thought it!
And even I could not but own
’Twas hard lines for the paving-stone !

Next day he caught a cold, alack !

And all his muscles vanished.

But none of his old brains came back
Which his dumb-bells had banished;
And not a rack was left behind
Of what he chose to call his mind !

Poor Richard now (O have you met
Him lately) has grown bitter;

For when he plays the flageolet
The ladies talk and titter;

And no one ever thinks his brow
In any way good-looking now 1

O little men, who wish to11 gb’1'
Be wiser than poor BlCib(,il'<5""

The Latest Criticism.—There is one word in our language
which, with a slight alteration, expresses all that can
possibly be said in praise of a certain class of Tennyson's
poems, which are simply—Idyllicious.

An Unaccountable Pact.—It is astonishing what ugly
women you do sometimes see with a ring on the left fourth
finger.

Adaptation of Legal Maxim to Society (By a Match-
making Mother).—“ Position is nine points of the Law.”

A Professional View of Things.—Our jeweller, rather
sentimental and a bachelor, never speaks of himself as a
single man, but as a solitaire.

Matrimony made Easy.—A young lady is in want of a
husband. She is intelligent, amiable, and accomplished,
but not pretty. She advertises for a blind man.

The Force of Habit.—A literary friend was overheard
the other evening requesting his landlady to put clean
proof sheets on his bed.

■ — ^ ‘ «jC» j)*

An Astonished Foreigner.—A NeapM*
surprised to hear that the upper classes ■\»*se
fond of “ Fresh Laver,” and that the lower AOi

averse to a drop o’ the crater. “ ,, i1 \

Question—When is the Monkey-house a e\' , i\

Gardens like a bouquet of artificial flower* ^-i1

Answer by our Idiot.—When there’s a Sl)» . y

Comfort for Convicts.—The place for b
undoubtedly Port-land.