Punch / Almanack (1880)

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1880.

[December 12,1879.


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If you don’t happen to be a Sporting Man, and are out for a Quiet Ride, it’s very annoying when your Horse insists upon joining the Hounds that are running a

Field or two off the High-road.

THE CAD’S CALENDAR.

Sanuarg.

January ! Tailor’s bill comes in.

Blow that blooming Snip ! I’m
short o’ tin.

Werry much enjoyed my Autumn
Caper,

But three quid fifteen do look
queer paper.

Want another new rig out, wuss
luck,

Gurl at Boodle’s bar seems awful
struck.

Like to take her to the panter-
mime ;

That and oysters after mould be
prime.

Fan ’s a screamer; this top coat
would blue it,

Yaller at the seams, black ink
won’t do it.

Wonder if old Snip would spring
another ?

Boots, too, rayther seedy ; beastly
bother !

Lots o’ larks that empty pockets
“ queer.”

Can’t do much, on fifty quid a
year.

Characters in Contrast.—
“ So they ’re building a Church in
memory of Bishop Wilberforce
at Southampton,” said Smelfun-
GUS. “ He was ‘ all things to all
men.’ ” How different from me !
I’m “ nothing to nobody ? ”

The Tax which no Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer has

DISTURBED, OR IS EVER LIKELY
TO DISTURB—Syn-tax.
j Forecast for the First of
April. — Month opens with a
shower of frogs. Ranee weather.

THE CAD’S CALENDAR.

JJtbrttarg.

Febrywary ! High old time for
sprees !

Now’s yer chance the gals to
please or tease.

Dowds to guy and pooty ones to
wheedle,

And to give all rival chaps the
needle.

Crab your enemies,—I’ve got a
many,

You can pot ’em proper for a
penny.

My! Them Walentines do ’it
’em ’ot.

Fust-rate fun : I always buy a lot.

Prigs complain they ’re spiteful.
Lor’ wot stuff!

I can’t ever get ’em strong enough.

Safe too ; no one twigs your little
spree,

If you do it on the strict Q. T.

If you ’re spoons, a flowery one’s
your plan,

Mem : I sent a proper one to Fan.

Suspicious Bidder (on a dozen of “ Gooseberry ” being put up).

Auctioneer ? ”

Auctioneer. “‘Brand’! What! for this Champagne? A magnificent Wine like
that, Sir, don’t want any Brand ! We sell it on its Merits. Shall we say
Fifteen Shillings ? ”

Domestic Economy.—If you
are blest with a large family, and
have, besides, numerous relations
whom you don’t wish to disoblige,
always dress yourself and house-
hold in black ; and thus you will
escape the expense of mourning.

For the Apothecaries’ Com-
pany’s Dinners.—Toast and Sen-
timent: “May we never want a
patient, or a six-ounce bottle to
send him.”

The Flunkey Millennium.—
When every valet shall be exalted.

A Halfpenny Role. — The
Echo's.