Punch / Almanack (1880)

December 12,1879.]

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1880

THE KNIGHT AND THE FLEA—AN UNRECORDED TRIAL OF THE MIDDLE AGES.

AN AUTUMNAL DUET.

{Rather out of tune.)

Ma tbrfamilias. The Doctor says dear May lacks
tone.

Paterfamilias. Oh, yes, I know! Sea-baths,
ozone !

Catch-words to cover the old claim
For holidays.

Materfamilias. It is a shame
So to misconstrue him—and me,

For on this point we do agree.

Paterfamilias. On principles of abstract reason !
Man always finds, though, at this season
Doctors and wives for once at one.

But Stocks are down—it can’t be done !

I can’t afford it.

Materfamilias. The old tale !

I hope you ’ll own that tune is stale.

You get more stingy every year.
Paterfamilias. You sing a little sharp, my dear.

Con trojypo brio ! Try cantabile.
Materfamilias. How can you, John, behave so
shabbily ?

'Well, let May die !

Paterfamilias. Oh, fiddle-de-dee !

’Twist man and wife it ought to be
Case of duet, and not of duel.

Materfamilias. Well, whose fault is it ? You ’re
_so cruel! (Weeps.)

Paterfamilias. Come, come, my dear, no lagri-
moso !

Materfamilias (wiping her eyes). Then you con-
sent, love ?

Paterfamilias (drily). I suppose so.

No matter how long women parley,

Married duets have one finale.

Change of air’s what all wives say,

Though to the old tune hub must pay !

TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE!

Picked up my daily pin. Have now exactly
183 pins carefully laid by, so that one half of the
proverbial groat is secured.

Skinnek, Flint, and myself again met and
talked over our great scheme of joining at a
halfpenny daily paper when the General Election
takes place.

Put a happy thought into execution—bought
a penny loaf, and called at two or three cheese-
mongers and tasted their Cheddar, Cheshire, &c.
Made quite a substantial meal.

Obliged by urgent business to use the Under-
ground Railway. Took a third class (parly )
ticket, but the train was so crowded that I had
to be put into a second class carriage, the only
time in my life I have ever travelled in this
luxurious manner.

Another piece of good luck—some careless

person had left a Daily News on the seat ; put
it in my pocket to add to my waste-paper store.

Found a half-penny (French).

This evening was very cold, but instead of
lighting a fire I went to the South Kensington
Museum, which was both warm and free.

Full moon ; so I went to bed without a dip.

SIGNS OF THE SEASONS.

When the wind blows east alway,

And the roads like rink-floors ring,

And you cough and sneeze all day,
i Then men say it’s “ merry Spring ” !

When the rain pours day and night,

Skies look glum, and faces glummer.

And hay-fever’s at its height.

Then, of course, it’s “ glorious Summer ” !
When sole change from catching colds
Is in wondering how you caught ’em,

And grey mist the land enfolds,

Then you know it’s “ genial Autumn ” I

When cold water takes two shapes,
Drenching douche and icy splinter,

And the world’s all coats and capes,

Then be sure it’s “jolly Winter” !

Mem. by a Laundry-Maid. — The fastest
colours are those that won’t run.