Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

59

MATRIMONIAL AGENCY.

Lord John Russell begs respectfully to inform the connubially-disposed por-
tion of the. community, that being about to retire from the establishment in
Downina-street, of which lie has so long been a member, he has resolved (at the
■suggestion of several single ladies about thirty, and of numerous juvenile gentle-
men who have just attained their majority a second time) to open a

matrimonial agency office,

where (from his long and successful experience) he trusts to be honoured by the
confidence of the single, and the generous acknowledgments of the married.

Lord J. R. intends to transact business upon the most liberal scale, and instead
of charging: a per centage on the amount of property concerned in each union, he
will take every lady and gentleman's valuation of themselves, and consider one
thousandth part thereof as an adequate compensation for his services.

Ladies who have lost the registries of their birth can be supplied with new
ooes, for anv vear they please, and the greatest care will be taken to make them
accord with the early recollections of the lady's schoolfellows and cousins of the
same age.

Gentlemen who wear wigs, false calves, or artificial teeth, or use hair-dye,
Ac, will be required to state the same, as no deception can be countenanced by
Lord J. R.

Ladies are only required to certify as to the originality of their teeth ; and as
Lady Russell will attend exclusively to this department, no disclosure will take
place until all other preliminaries are satisfactorily arranged.

Young gentlemen with large mustachios and small incomes will find the
Matrimonial Agency Office well worthy their attention ; and young ladies ;
who piav the piano, speak French, and measure only eighteen inches round
ike waist, cannot better consult their own interests than by making an early j
application.

N.B. None with red hair need apply, unless with a mother's certificate that it -
was always considered to be auburn.

Wanted several buxom widows for the commencement. If in weeds, will be
preferred.

"MATTERS IN FACT," AND "MATTERS IN LAW,"

" Law is the perfection of reason !" said, some sixty years ago, an old powder-
wgged priest of Themis, in his " enthusymusy *' for the venerable lady; and
what one of her learned adorers, from handsome Jock Campbell down to plain
Counsellor Dunn, would dare question the maxim ? A generous soul, who,
like the fabled lady of the Arabian tale, drops gold at every word she utters,
varying in value from one guinea to five thousand, according to the quality of
the hand that is stretched forth to receive it, cannot possibly be other than
reason herself. But to appreciate this dear creature justly, it is absolutelv
necessary to be in her service. No ordinary lay person can judge her according
to her deserts. You must be initiated into her mysteries before you can detect
hei beauties ; but once admitted to her august presence—once enrolled as her
sworn slave—your eyes become opened and clear, and you see her as she is, the
marvel of the world. Yet, though so difficult of comprehension, no man, nor
woman, nor child, must plead ignorance of her excellencies. To be ignorant of
any one of them is an impossibility as palpable as that "the Queen can do no
wrong," or any other admirable fiction which the genius of our ancestors has
bequeathed us. We all must know the law, or be continually whipped ! A
hard rule, though an inflexible one. But the schoolmaster is abroad—Punch.
that teaches all, must teach the law ; and, as a preliminary indispensable,
"tie now proceeds to give a few definitions of the principal matters contained
in that science, which bear a different meaning from what they would in
•ordinary language. The admiring neophyte will perceive with delight the
vast superiority apparent in all cases of " matters of law," or " matters of
fact."

To illustrate : — When a lovely girl, all warmth and confidence, steals on
tiptoe from her lonely chamber, and, lighted by the moon, when " pa's " asleep,
•rops from the balcony into the arms of some soft youth, as warm as she,
• ho has been waiting to whisk her off to Hymen's altar—that is generallv
Jfciuerjtood aa

AN attachment IN fact.

When an ugly " bum," well up to trap, creeps like a rascal from the sheriff's-
office, and with his capias armed, ere you are half-dressed, gives you the chase,
and, as you " leg " away for the bare life, his knuckles dig into the seat of your un-
mentionables, gripping you like a tiger—that indeed is une autre chose, that is

an attachment in law,

When you remark a round, rosy,jolly fellow, shining from top to toe, " philan-
dering '' down Regent-street, with a self-satisfied grin, that seems to say, " Match
me that, demme !'' and casting looks of pity—mellowed through liis eye-glass—
on all passers, you may fairly conclude that that happy dog has just slipped into

A BOND-street suit.

But when you perceive a sraunt. yellow spectre of a man, reduced to his I;.at
chemise, aud that a sad spectacle of ancient purity, starting from Liacoln's-iun,
and making all haste for Waterloo-bridge, the iufsreuce is rather natural, that, he
is blessed with

A suit in chancery.

It being dangerous to take too great a meal at a time, and Punch knowing well
the difficulty of digesting properly over-large quantities of mental food, he con-
cludes his first lecture on l—a—w. Whether he will continue here his defini-
tions of legal terms, or not, time and his humour shall determine.

a dress rehearsal.

Lord Melbourne, imitating the example of the ancient pmlosophers, is
employing the last days of his political existence in composing a learned discourse
"On the Shortness of Ministerial Life." To try the effect of it, his lordship
gives a full dress dinner-party, immediately after the meeting of Parliament, to
several of his friends. On the removal of the cloth, he will read the essay, and
then the Queen's intended speech, in which she civilly gives his lordship leave to
provide himself with another place. Where, in the whole range of history,
could we meet with a similar instance of magnanimity ? Where, with such a
noble picture—of a great soul rising superior to adversitv ? Seneca in the bath,
uttering moral apophthegms with his dying breath—Socrates jesting over his bowl
of hemlock juice—were great creatures—immense minds; but Lord Melbourne
I raiding his own dismissal to his friends—after dinner, too!—over his first ghiMcrf
\ wine—ieaves them at an immeasurable distance. Oh 1 that we had the power
I of poor Wilkie ! what a picture we could make of such a subject.