Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

sou the week ending august 21, 1841.
THE WIFE-CATCHERS.

a LEGEND of my UNCLe's boots.

In Four Chapters.

CHAPTER [V.

HE conversation now subsided into
"private and confidential'' whispers,
from -which I could' learn that Miss
O'Brannigan had consented to quit her
father's halls with Terence that very
night, and, before the priest, to become
his true and lawful wife.

It had been previously understood
that those of the guests who lire^ 4
distance from the lodge should sleep
there that night. Nothing could have
been more favourable for the designs of
the lovers ; and it was arranged between
them, that Miss Biddy was to steal from
her chamber into the yard, at day-
break, and apprise her lover of her
?K*sence by flinging a handful of gravel, against his window. Terence's horse
was warranted to carry double, and the lady had taken the precaution to secure
the key of the stable where he was placed.

It was long after midnight before tb*i company began to separate;—cloaks,
shawls, and tippets were called for; a jug of punch of extra strength was com-
pounded, and a dock an dhurris* of the steaming beverage administered to every
individual before they were permitted to depart. At length the house was cleared
of its guests, with the exception of those who were to remain and take beds there.
Amongst the number were the haberdasher and your uncle. The latter was
shown into a chamber in which a pleasant turf fire was burning on the hearth.

Although Terence's mind was full of sweet anticipations and visions of future
jrrandeur, he could not avoid feeling a disagreeable sensation arising from the
soaked state of his boots ; and calculating that it still wanted three or four hours
of daybreak, he resolved to have us dry and comfortable for his morning's adven-
ture. With this intention he drew us off, and placed us on the hearth before the
fire, and threw himself on the bed—not to sleep—he would sooner have committed
■suicide—but to meditate upon the charms of Miss Biddy and her thousand pounds.

But our strongest resolutions are overthrown by circumstances—the ducking,
the dancing, and the potteen, had so exhausted Terence, that he unconsciously
shut, first, one eye, then the other, and, finally, he fell fast asleep, and dreamed
of running away with the heiress on his back, through a shaking bog, in which he
sank up to the middle at every step. His vision was, however, suddenly dis-
pelled bv a smart rattle against his window. A moment was sufficient to reoal
him to his senses—he knew it was Miss Biddy's signal, and, jumping from the
bed, drew hack the cotton window-curtains and peered earnestly out: but though
the day had begun to break, it was still too dark to enable him to distinguish
any person on the lawn. In a violent hurry he seized on your humble servant,
and endeavoured to draw me on ; but, alas ! the heat of the fire had so shrunk
nie from mv natural dimensions, that he might as well have attempted to intro-
duce his leg and foot into an eel-skin. Flinging me in a rage to the further corner
of the room, he essayed to thrust his foot into my companion, which had been
reduced to the same shrunken state as myself. In vain he tugged, swore, and
strained, first with one, and then with another, until the stitches in our sides
grinned with perfect torture ; the perspiration rolled down his forehead—his eyes
were staring, his teeth set, and every nerve in his body was quivering with his
exertions—but still he could not force us on.

" What's to be done !" he ejaculated in despairing accents. A bright thought
struck him suddenly, that he might find a pair of boots belonging to some of the
other visitors, with which he might make free on so pressing an emergency. It
was but sending them back, with an apology for the mistake, on the following

ing the door, threw himself into a chair, overwhelmed with shame and vexation.
But poor Terence's troubles were not half over. The beautiful heiress, aftei
having discharged several volleys of sand and small pebbles against his window
without effect, was returning to her chamber, swelling with indignation, when she
was encountered on the stairs by Tibbins, who, no doubt prompted by the demon
of jealousy, had been watching her movements. He could not have chosen a mora
favourable moment to plead his suit ; her mortified vanity, and her anger at what
she deemed the culpable indifference of her lover, made her eager to be revenged on
him. It required, therefore, little persuasion to obtain her consent to elope with
the haberdasher. The key of the stable was in her pocket, and in less than ten
minutes she was sitting beside him in his gig, taking the shortest road to the priest's.

I cannot attempt to describe the rage that Terence flew into, as soon as he
learned the trick he bad been served ; he vowed to be the death of Tibbins, and
it is probable he would have carried his threat into effect, if the haberdasher had
not prudently kept out of his way until his anger had grown cool.

" •'•vy'" said I, addressing the narrator, " you lost the opportunity of figuring
at Miss Biacy s wedding?"

•' Yes," replied the ' wife-catcher ;' " but Terence soon retrieved his credit, for
in less than three months after his disappointment with the heiress, we were leg-
ging it as his wedding with Miss Debby Doolan, a greater fortune and a prettier
girl than the one he had lost: and, bv-the-bye, that reminds me of a funny scene
which took place when the bride came to throw the stocking—hoo! boo! hoo! hoo !"

Here my friends, the boots, burst into a long and loud fit of laughter ; while
I, ignorant of the cause of their mirth, looked gravely on, wondering when it
would subside. Instead, however, of their laughter lessening, the cachinnations
became so violent that I began to feel seriously alarmed.

" My dear friends !" said I.

" Hoo ! hoo ! hoo ! hoo ! hoo !" shouted the pair.

" This excessive mirth may be dangerous"-

A peal of laughter shook their leathern sides, and they rohed from side to side
on their chair. Fearful of their falling, I put out my hand to support them,
wiien a sense of acute pain made me suddenly withdraw it. I started, opened my
eyes, and discovered that I had laid hold of the burning remains of the renowned
"wife-catchers," which I had in my sleep placed upon the fire.

As I gazed mournfully upon the smoking relics of the ancient allies of our house,
I resolved to record this strange adventure ; but you know I never had much taste
for writing, Jack, so I now confide the task to you. As he concluded, my uncle
raised his tumbler to his lips, and I could perceive a tear sparkling in his eye—
a genuine tribute of regard to the memory of the venerated " Wife Catchers."

CORRESPONDENCE EXTRAORDINARY.

Wrote Paget to Pollen,

With face bi iulit as brass,
" T'other day in the Town Hall
You mcntion'd an ass :

*' Now, for family reasons,
I'd like much to know,
If on me you intended
That name to bestow ?"

" My lord," says Jack Pollen,

" Believe me, ('tis true,)
I'd be sorry to slander
A donkey or you."

" Being grateful," says Paget,

" I'd ask you to lunch ;
But just, Sir John, tell me,
Did you call me Punch ?"
** In wit, Punch is eaualTd,"

Says Pollen, " by few ;
In naming him, therefoie,
I couldn't mean you.'"

* Thanks | thanks ! To bear malice,"
■day. ^ ith this idea he sallied from his room, and groped his way down stairs * p a pm ioath •

to find the scullerv, where lie knew the boots were deposited bv the servant at j _ '"'^ '° \, . * it—

tl:_____„• '______j.....f„„„ a- wiZ. —J -k'l, :....... Two answers I vc got, and 1 TO

night. This scullery was detached from the main building, and to reach it it was
necessary to cross an angle of the yard. Terence cautiously undid the bolts and
fastenings of the back door, and was stealthily picking his steps over the rougli
stones of the vard, when he was startled by a fierce roar behind him, and at the
same moment the teeth of Towser, the great watch-dog, were fastened in his

Charm'd with them both.'

EPIGRAMS,

1.-the cause.

o-iUlC UlULllCUl UllC ICt 111 UL au»oi.ij g.,-iii. .»i.yuji ^"^j 11*0 w„u v/^i m mo . -

nether garments. Though verv much alarmed, he concealed his feei;«s, and , Lisette has lost her wanton wiles

presuming on a slight previous intimacy with liis assailant, he addressed him in a
most familiar manner, calling him "poor fellow" and "old Towser," explained
to him the ungentlcmanly liberty he was taking with his buckskins, and requested
him to let go his hold, as he had quite enough of that sport. Towser was, how-
ever, not to be talked out of his private notions ; he foully suspected your uncle
of being on no good design, and replied to every remonstrance he made with a
growl and a shake, that left no doubt he would resort to more vigorous measures

in case of opposition. Afraid or ashamed to call for help, Terence was kept in ; He mixes in the best society

this disagreeable state, nearly frozen to death with cold and trembling with terror,
until the morning was considerably advanced, when he was discovered by some of
the servants, who released him from the guardianship of his surly captor.
Without waiting to account for the extraordinary circumstances in which he had
been found, he boltel into the house, rushed up to his bed-chamber, aud, lock-

* A drink at the door ;—a farewell cup.

What secret care consumes her yoa'ih,
And circumscribes her smiles ?—
A speck on a front tooth >

2. — pride.

Fitzsmall, who drinks with knights and Icti&s

To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you, in important words,

english and american produce. _

We find, by the Times of Saturdav, the British teasei crops in the parish of
Melksham have fallen entirely to the ground, and from their appearance denote a
complete failure. Another paragraph in the same paper speaks quite as dis-
ngly of the appearance of the American Teazle at the Haymarket.

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