Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (2.1842)

PINCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

by a great riot in the street. A boy had picked a man's pocket of his quitting the table, but was prevented by the antique maiden advis-
handkerchief; the boy was known to the policeman, who assured the, ing me to try one more round.

mob that he would be transported for fourteen years. He had com- " I co nsented, and observed a gracious smile and peculiar wink re-
mitted a theft against the law. And whose handkerchief had he stolen ?. ward my determination. These equivocal proceedings made me the
Mr. Thumbscrew's, of Clement's inn, who never missed a chance of ( more attentive to the Elderly's game ; and never was such a flagrant
making forty shillings a hundred and forty by costs, and who has 1 old cheat seen at a respectable party. Kings, queens, and aces, were
grown rich and sleek on plunder, plunder with the law. Poor Bill' at her sole command, though I have no idea where she got them, un-
Slinkem goes in the van to Newgate—Thumbscrew is driven in his j less she rang the changes from her immense bag. Just as she saw

phaeton to his seat at Camberwell. Bill Slinkem lias been a child of
the streets; has never been taught a wrong. Thumbscrew has
been taught both, and knows when and how with sai'ety to profitably
use the worst part of his learning. Thumbscrew is not a man, but a
social whitlow. May Lord Brougham prick all such ! Q.

TAKING A GOOD HINT.

"Compose yourself, my dear Tom."

" It's all very fine, and very easy, to say, ' Compose yourself f but
who's to do it? A fellow lugging out your eye-tooth and three-fourths
of your jaw exclaims,' Compose yourself;' the vagabond that gives
you notice of the failure of your banker, and the loss of all your
worldly substance, advises you to 'Compose yourself;' and when in
the extremest agony of fear you rush like

my eyes fixed upon her as she was sweeping off a heavy pool by these
nefarious means, she again tipped me one of her remarkable winks.

" '0 ho !' thinks I,' that's the game, is it ? Well, two can play at
it, old lady ; and so, as you seem to wish it, hare goes, and mum's the
word.' So to it I went, and, as I do know a trick or two, by Jove,
I swept the table pretty handsomely. But would you believe it ! the
wicked old woman, when I merely slipped a king from the bottom of
the pack, accused me of cheating. I ut once admitted the fact, and
cited herself as my instigator and authority.

" Tom, 1 've beeu in some rows and heard some few noises in my
time, from an amateur stray band down to the collective screechings
of the parroquet and macaw department in the Zoological Gardens—
nay, the wild beasts at feeding-time were once my most familiar
orchestra; but, the squall of all squalls I ever heard was the one that
rushed out from between that old lady's artificial teeth. She denied
the accusation with the most intense scorn, and defied me to prove
that she had cheated herself or provoked me to do so. This was beyond
endurance.

"'Why, madam,' I replied,' when you looked into the lady's hand
next you, and slipped the ace of hearts from tlie bottom in the pack,
when there was thirteen and six-pence in the pool, didn't you see 1
had detected you i and didn't you wink away with your wicked old
left eye, as much as to say, Do it yourself—it's all right?'

"'What!' roared the tabby, 'wink! 1 wink! Is ir-y infirmity
to be thrown in my teeth by such a thing as you i James ! Samuel .'
1UNEY-HACK, Where are your feelings ? Oh, Oh !' Here she Hopped down in a

from the blazing ruins of your devoted house, 'A 41,' who accom-, faint, while groans and cries of ' Shame ! Shame! See what you've
modates you with a seat and shiver in the station-house, insists upon d0110 p issued from all sides.

the propriety of the soothing system, and invariably recommends you
to 'compose yourself.' 'Compose yourself!' quotha ; I can't doit!
no, no, it's out of the question. Shakspeare says, ' Every man can
bear a grief but he that hath it.' I say every man may put up with
a pillaging and kicking but their conjoined victim, and I am be !"

" Gracious ! Tom, did you say kicking ? well, I should like to hear
all about that."

" Thank you ; you're very kind, remarkably kind ; happy to hear
of my disaster ; I'm sure I'm much obliged to you."

" No, no, I don't mean that ; but how was it, eh ? "

" Why, you know those rascally Sharps that came down to settle
here three mouths ago \"

" Of course I do. Fat mother, with turban, snuff-box, and three
daughters ; curious old maiden sister, always laughing and winking
her eye."

" Yes, yes ; and two unredeemed rascals of sons, from some infernal
assurance office, with fists like brawn, and boot-toes like bodkins."
" Well, what of them i "

" Why, I'll tell you. They gave a kind of let-off last night ; a sort
of hybrid affair—cards and quadrilles, pumps and cloth-boots, Hying
tea and a standing supper."

" Oh, ay, I did hear of it ; and you were invited 2"

" Yes I was, worse luck ! Well, I'd heard Miss Screw, our great
sixpenny long-whist player, hint her suspicions that the maiden Sharp,
she of the ' nods and becks and wreathed smiles,' though otherwise
a mighty correct old lady, was rather given to the pastime of cards
and gathering together offish and small change, heedless of some of
the little restrictions your very fair players regard ; but as I dis-
covered the maiden Screw had dropped five points to the maiden
Sharp, I set the matter down as the mere result of envy and disap-
pointment ; fool that I was !"

" Why, does she cheat ?"

"Wait a bit, and you shall hear. After managing two quadrilles
with tolerable success with the eldest Miss S., I retired for breathing
time and negus into a small room where old and young were, as
Miss Screw remarked, ' enjoying themselves at a round game.' I
was invited to take a seat, and soon found myself involved in all the
mysteries of eighteen-penny loo. Luck ran a muck against me as a
mad bull charges a red coat. I could not win a single pool; while
the elderly Screw, like the vortex of the Maelstrom, seemed to draw
round counters, square counters, ivory fish, and the current coin of
the realm, with irresistible force, into the fathomless depths of her
immense reticule. Disgusted at my ill fortune, I determined upon

" I once more asserted the truth of my statement, or rather would
have done so ; but that great beast James Screw u ok me by the nose,
and Samuel kicked me down stairs."

" It's very extraordinary !"

"Not at all; it was a cursed mistake. The cheating was true
enough, but not so the rest, as the old lady has a natural infirmity
and always goes on winking in the same way w hen she's at all
excited. And so you see I must call out one of those fellows, and
either shoot him or get shot myself, and all because 1 was such a fool
as to imagine I was ' taking it good hint.'"

CAPITAL FUN.

♦•Her Majesty was graciously pleased to confer the btfnOOl of tai?htiWOd ujaat.

Jamsetjce Jiejebhoy of Bombay."—Gazette.

The " Footman," blushing for his master's fame,

By heralding " plebeians without name,"
Struts proudly now, and shouts without alloy

" Sir Jam-set jee and Lady Jee-je bhoy ! *

JONATHANS.

At a late railway steam explosion the stuker was the only person who escaped ;
was blown so far from the place that lie was completely out of danger.

A satirical lawyer down east lately naiil something so cutting that It took off Li
own pigtail!