Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (2.1842)

16H

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PROLUSIONES ETYMOLOGIC/E ;

SPECIMEN OF A PROPOSED PHILOSOPHICAL DICTIONARY.

.Money.—UoWwy ovofiaroov fj.op<ph fua. The true epyov of man, strangely
overlooked by Aristotle. There is more philosophy than is commonly
suspected in the seeming truism of the distich—

God made bees, and bees make honey ;

God made man. and man makes money.

1. Dibs.—Debeo, debits, debts, dibs ; evidently, from its etymology, a

thing " meant to be owed ; " a most full, perfect, and satisfactory
reason why it is never paid.

2. Ready.— Lucus a non ; because nobody ever happens to have it at

hand when anybody else wants it.

3. Blunt.—Possibly another lucus a non ; because those who get hold of

it often cut [and run] immediately. (For further information con-
sult the treasurers of the joint-stock companies generally.) Possibly
because those who possess it are very seldom sharp enough to keep
it • to all which it may be added that they are never in danger of
being cut themselves, so long as they manage to do so.

4. Rhino.—Derivation unknown. On consulting one of the most eminent

philologists of the day, the only reply to be obtained was :—
Why gold and silver should be christened rhino,
As I'm a sinner, blow me tight if I know.

5. Mopusses.—Ditto to match. On application to the same improvisa-

torial authority we could only get the following rhyme without, reason :

He that has the mopusses
May buy diamonds and topazes.

6. Stumpy.—Metaphora a ludo vocato " cricket " sumpta. A material of

which whoso possesseth pleuty may, in the expressive language of
Jonathan our brother, " stump all creation."
Dust.—A title originated by philosophers, in respect of its worthless-
ness, and perpetuated by the swell mob and the under-graduates of
the two learned Universities, in respect of its pithiness. The chief
point of resemblance between the dust metaphorical and the dust
literal appears to be the great tendency of both to obstruct our proper
vision.

5. Tin.—Frequently acquired by brass ; species pro specie ; possibly
from rivtiv, to pay ; another lucus a non, it being considered deroga-
tory to the dignity of its owner to apply it to that purpose. " Base is
the slave who pays."

9. Rowdy.—" Vox vexata. Memini me verbum 'row-dy-dow, in quibus-
dam scriptoribus minoribus reperisse, tumultum quemdarn, ut visum
est, significans ; sed an huic nostro cognatum sit, dubito."—Noodlius.
" Inepte Noodlius ; nam quis non videt cognomen illud usitatissimum
' Ready ' facillime, mutatione duaruin tautum literarum, in ' Rowdy'
corruptum fuisse ? "-—Doodlius. " Perperam ambo. Hoc certuni
habeo. Me tamen, quid vox sibivelit, penitus iguorare confiteor."—
Toinnoddius. Our poetical friend again—

What gives fools wit ? What beautifies the dowdy ?
Hear it and blush, ye servile ! 'tis the rowdy.

10 Needful. — One of the most thoughtful appellations of the Nineteenth
Century. Ov irdv-r' t<picTar — the thing required par excellence.
The key to all other necessaries, to which no counterfeit can ever
open the door without the danger of opening another ; to wit, that of
Her Majesty's Jail of Newgate.

EXECUTED IN THE LINE MANNER.

11. Oil of Paum*.—Metaphora venustissima. A specific much in vogue
lo/ rigid fingers and horny fistedness ; though, strange to say, it only
serves to augment the itch which so often affects the hand. It is
absorbed into the system with singular facility, but requires a tre-
mendous squeeze to re-express it.

12. i'/i^r^ — A name supposed, from the senility of its wit, to have been
invented by an elderly gentleman in his extreme delight at receiving
a 100/. dividend in new sovereigns.

13. Goldfinches—Canaries.—Singing-birds ; the which whoso possesseth
nyedeth never to pine for lack of notes.

14. Flimsies.— Stamped pieces of paper, wherewith honest folks pav
their bills, and some people light candles. Composed principally of
rags. Singularly enough, the poorer classes, who produce so much of
the raw material, never come in for an atom of it in its manufactured
condition.

15. Bits of Stiff—Kites.—"My acceptance at three months." Things
like the Members for Old Sarum and similar boroughs before the
Russell purge—representatives of that which has no existence. Birds
of prey, the flying forth of which bodeth ill to green-finches and such-
like unsuspicious birds. Things raised by the wind—by an easy
transition, things by which the wind is raised.

16. I. Bulls.—Probably a remote connexion of the Indian Cow-ries.

II. Hogs.—So called because they always want more. " Increase of

appetite doth grow with that it feeds on." " Crescit amor
nummi quantum ipsa pecunia crescit."

III. Bobs.—"Ods bobs! " i. e. the name is a curious one.
Tanners__Because however black their owner may be, they

varnish him over with bright colours to the eyes of the

IV. -j million.
Benders.—From the ease with which they subdue the minds of

the recipients. " Quid non mortalia pectora cogunt V

V. Joeys—Bits.—Economical coins, named in honour of the rejected
of Middlesex and Leeds, late of Kilkenny, M.P. for No-
Man's Land. Invented expressly for preventing the decay
of blasphemv among coach-porters, cabmen, jar vies, and the
like.

VI. Browns.—Infima species. Nomen a colore sumptum. Things
offensive to the feelings of a gentleman, and therefore for
the most part wrapped up in whitey-brown.

AMENDED MONEY TABLE.

Browns













i

Bits









!

4

1

Benders









__

6

1*

i

Bobs







12

3

2

1

Hogs





30

7i

5



:

Bulls



6u

15

10

0

o
"

l

Canaries

120

30

20

10

4

2

1 Goldfinches

240

6o

40

30

8

4

2 1

{Erato antt Commerce.

Our letters from Birmingham are so blotted with the tears of our cor-
respondent, that there is no reading them. As far as we can make them
out, they appear to be of the gloomiest description. The button business
is at a complete stand still, and the substitution of the solar lamp has an-
nihilated the snuffer trade, throwing out all the hands that lived by
making them.

From Liverpool our advices are scarcely more encouraging. Cotton is
lying neglected in the market, and scarcely a needleful has been asked for
since Saturday. A few reels of thread were taken by retail customers,
but it was only the coarser sort that could be got off at any price.

Our Manchester correspondent writes in high spirits, but only on some
personal business of his own, which has turned out well for him. Trade
is so dull that he declares, in his present comfortable state of mind, he
cannot even mention it.

GARDENING DIRECTIONS FOR APRIL.

Nail up string against outer wall of bedroom window, with a view to a
crop of beans, and put pieces of stick in flower-pots where sweet-peas were
sown two months ago, though there may be uo signs of their coming up at
present. Purchase daisy roots of men with donkey-carts, for planting in
back-yards, and throw in radish seed, with a view to an autumn crop ot
stringy stuff for home-grown suppers. Dig the soil in broken breakfast-
cups, and put in mignonette; and place dead geraniums in the sun, with
the vague idea that they may possibly come to life again. Clear the ground
of all that you have been putting into it for the last three mouths, and
which you will by this time have discovered can never come to anything ;
but this will be an easy task, as the cats, those nocturnal labourers in me-
tropolitan gardens, will probably have gone a considerable way towards
scratching up the unprofitable verdure.

Label bits of wood with the names of various seeds, and stick them pro
miscuously in the ground ; but it is not necessary to place them over the
respective seeds, for it is not likely that they will ever appear as witnesses
against the inscriptions on the pieces of stick alluded to.

" Wot'LD you believe it," said Jones to Smith, '• Webster has engaged Charles Kean
for only twelve nights? " — " For only twelve nights!" cried Smith. "For only
twelve nights," repeated Jones. "Thank God!" ejaculated Smith, with a look ol
great thanksgiving — " it might have been worse."