Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (2.1842)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

19S

MEDICAL POETRY CHEATS OF THE BRITISH MANUFACTURER !!!

pilots to weather the storm.

TO MR. FERRAND, M.P. (Favoured by Pdnch.

Sir,—Your late manly speech in the House of Commons, in which you
so successfully showed the master manufacturers of England to be cheats,
swindlers, and impostors—the accursed of Paraguay, and the denounced
of Heligoland,—has cheered the heart of every honest man, and delighted
the bosoms of the great family of Respectables.

Your affecting allusion to the "needles without eyes," to the "clocks
that would only go half an hour," and other cheats put by the British
Autolycus upon the unsuspecting foreigner, will warn the unsophisticated
of Nova Zembla—will put upon their guard the unwary inhabitants of
Owyhee.

Having myself been engaged in various manufactures, it will afford me
great pleasure to supply you with a few more instances (all equally veracious
with those you have already quoted) of the surpassing dishonesty of the
English merchant.

You speak of blind needles—of " needles without eyes." Alas, Sir,
MR. WAKLEY, THE MODERN ORPHEUS, what think you of colanders without holes ? and yet, a whole cargo of

told the House of Commons, some nights ago, that if he had the command thfse articles was, two years since, shipped for Timbuctoo, and they were
of a few ingredients, he could mix up a poem as well as any of the re- subsequently sold at an immense loss by the original purchaser for bar-
gular practitioners, and licentiates in the verse line. The recipe, he said, W •' What is the consequence of this fraud ? Why, that for all

was simplv this :_ time, iimbuctoo is closed against .famglish colanders.

Look, again, at our poker trade with Barbary. When 1 was a boy,
we used to export 10,000,000,000,000 pokers annually to that kingdom.

R Solis matut.
Rosis vespert.
Arborum fol.
Zephyrorum murmur.
Osculorum candent. stiff.
Oculorum dulc.
Virginum lacrym.
Hominum perjur.

Quant.

Our exports, for the past year, stand 10 pokers ! The politician naturally
seeks the cause of this decline. I am in possession of the fact. It is
this,—For the past ten years we have s<Hit out pokers (will it be be-
lieved ?) with painted wooden ends ?—Yes, with deal terminations craftily
fitted on the polished iron !

The name of England was once mighty throughout the world for her
mousetraps. How stands she now ?—Despised, insulted, execrated. And
Fiat mistura. Sumcnd. mane, si vomendo—node si dormiendo opus sit. Ut j why !—It has been found by the foreign buyer that stained pasteboard
xstissime sequitur somnus cave ne inter legendum candela curtanas tua.i ■ ]las been recklessly substituted for the wood of the trap ; and that what
igne compiat—i. e. si domus non sit insurala—si insurata hoc est equus seemed the iron was nothing more than felt cuttings—the refuse of
alii :oloris. \ the hatter.

Mr. Wakley has composed the following, according to his own recipe : How proudly did we stand upon our humming tops ! And what says

to my love
The sun up-getting,
The dews at setting,

the universe of us now ? Why, that the only exported article in which
there is no hum whatever, is our tops !

Our marbles were sought for on both sides of the line ; they were then
The leafy treeses, what marbles ought to be, an honest sphere. What have been our

The murmuiing breezes, exports for some time past ?—Why, no longer spheres, but truncated

The kisses glowing, cones. The consequence of this is obvious. Sir, there is not a negro-boy

The glances knowing, on the banks of the Senegal who does not indignantly refuse to " knuckle

The girls all crying, down " with the English marble ; whilst as for " funking," allow me to

The men all lying— say, that is now the peculiar habit of the dishonest merchant. 'Twas only

during the last month of Lord Ponsonby's official residence at Con-
stantinople, that two Englishmen—one the boatswain of the Banner brig—
were killed by Turkish boys in the street ; yes, stoned to death by what
had been vended to the unsuspecting children as real English alleys.

I could multiply instances of British roguery ; but, Sir, with a spirit of
patriotism which you can peculiarly estimate, I break off, and am, your
obedient Servant, John Gullwell the Elder.

P.S. Your blind needles just now bring to my mind the frauds in the
export pin trade. The ladies of the Sultan's Harem (Miss Pardoe can
testify to the fact) have come to a resolution to let their clothes hang
about them rather than use the English pin. And why ?—For this good
reason—it has been found that some of the trade make pins as some con-
stituencies make Members of Parliament, that is, with tin heads and no
points.

They move the heart so,
That I can't part so ;
And ere I know it,
I shine a poet.
O Amaryllis !
Or Rose or Phillis,
Or, as it may be,
My Poll or Phoebe—
Don't be so cruel,
My darling jewel.
Come on not slackly,
But near your quack lie.—
Madam, your servant to command,
J. Wakley.

Wakley is booked for the laurel as soon as poor Southey departs

■ There's plenty of room Inside," as the pauper said to the penny loaf.
1 1 shan't come out to-night," as the moon said to the thunderstorm.
' Where do you hang out ? " as the Black Doll said to " the Ki.vg's Head."

Vol. 2.

ON A RECENT EFFECT.

No wonder that the thunder-storm
Should shake the mansion of Reform ;

The House and inmates both must feel
The woeful influence of a " Peel! "