Punch or The London charivari (3.1842)

38 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SONGS OF THE SEEDY.—No. XVIII.

Oh, deem not m)T spirits are buoyant and gay ;

Nor think that my heart is as light as thine own ;—
Oh, trust not, I charge thee, to outward display,

But wait till the innermost feelings are known.
For the heart may he gloomy, though smiles may he seen

On the visage with gladness apparently bright ;
As the shirt may in collar he perfectly clean,

While the wristbands, all so dingy, are kept out of sight.

Oh, it is not what's uppermost always will show

The state of the feeling that's passing beneath ;
For the cheek may be tinged with a warm sunny glow,

While the spirits are wearing the pale hue of death.
The bosom may languish, though smiles light the cheek,

And grief may in merriment often be found,
As the boot's upper leather no crack may bespeak, "

While the sole is all gone, and the foot's on the ground.

THE NATURAL HISTORY OF COURTSHIP.

Chapter IV.—Ov the Art of maktxg the Amiable.

HE witty Voltaire bath
remarked " Quand celui
qui ecoute n'entend rien,
et celui qui parle n'en-
tend plus, e'est meta-
physique." Now as I am
going to be extremely
metaphysical in a few fu-
ture passages, those of
my readers who have no
taste for what neither
they nor myself very
clearly understand had
better skip the suspicious
paragraphs. These may
be easily detected by the
long words.

Youth, the age of love, is also the age of inexperience—when the
eyes and ears do duty for reasoning and judgment,—when the man
of pleasing manners and polished exterior is mistaken for the man
of excellent disposition,—when the cardinal virtues are thought to
be sheltered under the bows and graces of good breeding, and bright
Honour herself to reside amidst white waistcoats and kid gloves ;
when the learned or talented are voted bores, and smatterers or small-
talkers declared to be learned.

Therefore, 0 ye makers of love, gild yourselves well over with
what is called a " pleasing exterior," even if within you be as mere
gingerbread.

Having put on the outward visible signs of amiability, the inward
and spiritual graces may be made to shine sufficiently bright to
dazzle the eyes of most damsels by strict attention to one golden
rule :—always place yourself on a ler.cl ■with your chosen fair in intellect, and
beloio her in all else. Never be Aviser or more clever ; always be less
accomplished. On no account conquer at chess or cards, and if you
can manage to cheat yourself for fear you should win, do so. Be
careful not to offer the shadow of dissent to anything she says, unless
it be some glaring absurdity;—such as praising Bulwer's Novels for
their morality, or Ainsworth's Newgate Romances for their tasteful
decency. Should you, however, have occasion to disagree with what
she advances, the utmost tact must be called up to conceal a flat con-
tradiction under the "cssamer win^s of a delicate difference of
opinion. Of this sort of tact Don Quixote supplied one of the best
examples I can call to mind :—The Princess Micomicona having
fallen into an egregious geographical blunder about a seaport, the
knight-errant, not to correct her too coarsely, simply opined that it
would have been much better if her ladyship, after her long voyage,
had not landed at Ossuara, "seeing that it happens to be an inland
town."

Whenever there are opportunities, a little quizzing will, in most
instances, have a desirable effect; especially if the quizzed be a par-
ticular friend of the belle you are addressing, who will most likely
convert all that is said against another into compliments on herself.
The cleverest fellow I know at this is Frank Kennedy, who made
immense way with Miss Rose Robinson at the Honourable Mrs.
Couple's last soirie, to the utter discomfiture of Sir Charles Simper.

until the chaperon, finding the flirtation was getting on too fast,
raised the Baronet's hopes by a counter-move in her game.

Frank had just handed Julia to her seat when Miss Barbara Boulder
passed.

" Do you think Miss Boulder pretty ?" inquired the belle.
" As an angel!" replied Kennedy, ironically.
" Indeed !" was the lady's interjection.

" Are not her cheeks of roseate hue >" continued the beau, in a con-
fidential whisper,as he seated himself; "and, though from their size
they may be likened to the cabbage-rose, yet does not that brilliant
colour extend even to her neck ? "

" For shame, Mr. Kennedy ! Can you find none of the lily in her
complexion ? "

" 0 yes !—in her lips ! "

" White lips ? I am shocked. She is my most intimate friend.
Well, you cannot deny she has fine eyes I "

" I have no doubt of it. But one can hardly see them, almost con-
cealed as they are by her ' cheeks rotund.' "

" Now really this is too bad !" exclaimed Miss Robinson : "yon
make the poor girl out a perfect fright.—At least she has a good-
figure i"

" — would have, possibly, but for her shoulders, which unfortu-
nately make her appear like a skalene triangle, with no two sides-
alike !''

" I don't exactly know what the triangle you mention is—doubt-
less something hideous—but did you ever dance with Miss Boulder I
—she is an extremely agreeable girl. "

Frank turned towards the fair speaker with a look of great asto-
nishment, and asked "Does she ever dance ?"

At this moment Mrs. Couple led up Sir Charles, and as Rose slid
away to be his partner in the next quadrille, she mentally exclaimed,
" really that Mr. Kennedy seems a most amiable person 1"

Custom hath instituted several topics of conversation to be carried
on by persons who have met for the first time, which tend very
materially towards playing the amiable. The .first information to get
possession of is, some hint of the lady's tastes. Therefore it hath
been wisely ordained, wherever two individuals of opposite sexes are-
standing side by side, that during the pauses of " the figure," or
otherwise, the gentleman shall ask the lady if she be fond of dancing;,
the reply will be, "Yes, very ;" for it is known to be an unvarying
rule that all young ladies are fond of dancing. That, therefore,
affords no clue, nor indeed much subject for converse ; hence another
question succeeds, "Are you fond of music?" Answer, without ex-
ception," Yes,"—general rule as before ; but when the rejoinder comes
"What instrument do you play?" although the reply in that case-
always made and provided is, " the piano," yet the mention of a few
composer's names will soon inform you of the kind of musical taste
the fair one possesses. If she admire Herz, you will know she
belongs to the thunder-and-lightning school of "fine players ;" there-
fore, breathe not the names of Mozart, Beethoven, or Cramer^
Should she own to singing, and call Mercadante "grand," or Doni-
zetti " exquisite," do not mention Weber, or Schubert, but say a word
or twro in favour of Alexander Lee.

It will, in all probability happen, that after you have complied
with the rule above stated, by asking the first two questions, the con-
versation will come to a dead stand, and the lady will be looking,
with great intensity upon the pattern of the carpet. This will afford
an admirable opportunity for inquiring into the state of her taste for
the fine arts. If she have not been to " the Exhibition " (for you will
be sure to ask her if she have), drop the subject at once ; if otherwise,,
and she praises the portraits and laughs at Turner, say a few words
about Poonah painting, and inquire the practicability of squaring oft'
one of Rembrandt's pictures for a Berlin-wool pattern.

It will frequently occur that (always excepting the first two
queries) a young lady w ill answer your questions with indifference—
almost contempt—in the belief that you are a very common-place soul-
less person. She, you will find to have a tinge of romance in her cha-
racter ; therefore^ lose not a moment in plunging over head-and-ears
into a talk about poetry. Should Byron or Wordsworth fail, try T.
K. Hervey, or Barry Cornwall, but Moore is most strongly recom-
mended. " If you think you can trust yourself to do a little poetry on
your own account, dash it slightly with metaphysics. Wherever
you discover a tinge of Llueistn or romance, the mixture of " the
nioon," " the stars " and " the human mind," with common conversa-
tion, is highly efficacious. When the latter predominates in the
damsel, an effective parting speech may be quoted from Romeo and
Juliet, which will bring in a reflection upon the short duration of the
happiness you have enjoyed, and the quotation

" I never knew a young gazelle," &c.