Punch or The London charivari (3.1842)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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hundred of his chief knights as prisoners, before he would listen to
any terms of accommodation, which idea his Royal Highness " in-
dignantly rejected."

He beat the King of France, whose goods he was carrying off; he
killed his friends who came to help the king, he drove the king's
servants away ; he took King John to England, and would not let
him return to France again until he had paid an enormous sum for
his ransom. And this was the man who called upon heaven to defend
the right! Ah, my dears, there is not a crowned ruffian in Europe
who has not uttered the same cry these thousand years past, attesting
heaven in behalf of his unjust quarrel, and murdering and robbing
with the most sacred of all names in his mouth.

Perhaps the most annoying part of the whole imprisonment to poor
King John must have been the abominable politeness and humility
of his captor. Taken prisoner, and his grand army routed by a handful
of starving brigands, the king was marched to supper in the con-
queror's tent, the Prince complimented him by saying that his victory
was all chance, that the king ought to have won it (and so he ought
and no mistake), and that his majesty was the "garland of chivalry."
Nor would he sit down in his majesty's presence—not he— he said
he was the subject and only fit to wait upon the king (to wait upon
him and rob. him), so he fetched the dishes, drew the corks and per-
formed all the duties of his Majesty's yellowplush.

His conduct in carrying his prisoner to London, was of the same
sort. He had a triumphal entry : the king being placed on a great
horse, the prince meekly riding a pony beside him, and all the
people, of course, shouting " long live the prince." What humility !
cry the historians, what noble conduct! No no my loves, I say it
was sliam humility, the very worst sort of pride ; if he wanted to spare
his prisoner's feelings why didn't the prince call a hackney-coach ?

In the year 1376, twenty years after his victory of Poictiers, the
gallant Black Prince, (who in France and Spain, at the head of his
famous free companies, had fought many a hard fight since then),
died leaving an only son behind him. Old King Edward, who had
been battling and fighting as much as his son, now in his old age, had
grown dotingly fond of a wicked hussy, Alice Perrers by name,
that had been maid of honour to the good Queen Philippa. The king
gave to this good-for-nothing creature all the queen's jewels, she had
the giving away of all the places about the court, and behaved in such
a way that the parliament was obliged to stop her extravagance.

A year after, his son, the famous old warrior, King Edward III.,
felt that death was coming upon him ; and called his beloved Alice
Perrers to come and console him ere he died. She seeing death on
his face, took the expiring monarch's hand in hers, and pulled his ring
off his finger. The servants pillaged the wardrobes and the hangings
of the bed, and dying Edward, the terror of Frenchmen, lay unheeded
upon his bed, until a priest came by chance into the room, and knelt
down by the king's side, and said a prayer with him for the safety of
his soul, at the end whereof, the priest alone had the power of saying
" Amen."

Here Miss Tickletoby paused with a very solemn voice, and the
little children retired quite wistfully and silently, and were all particu-
larly good in school the next day.

Are you fond of riding? Not exactly; but v^e've a maiden aunt who'll go out of
her way to get a buss, any day.

THE NATURAL HISTORY OF COURTSHIP.

Chapter XII.—Respecting "Widows.

" It may be a weakness, my patient Priscilla, but I confess it ; I
have a passion for widows."

" For widows ?" replies my maiden Mentor, rising suddenly in her
chair—" Are they not for the most part designing, sophisticated ?
Have not their connubial experiences robbed them of that simplicity
which is so charming in women ? Moreover, are they not (what I
believe to be an unpardonable sin in the estimation of your sex) are
they not generally old 2"

" Convict on all counts, I confess. But then, their designs are car-
ried out with such spirit and dexterity—their sophistication so fre-
quently amounts to the art which conceals art, as to seem like the
most ingenuous simplicity; their manners are unembarrassed—
their conversation free from reserve—"

" Perfectly," interrupts Priscilla, drawing herself up to her full
height.

" Their caprices are few. They do not often say 1 No' when they
mean 'Yes.' They are the easiest to please, the least exacting, the
most grateful for any stray attentions which may be vouchsafed to
them. Above all, they have an enchanting habit of meeting one
half-way—nay, of occasionally advancing the first half."

Show me a more agreeable person than a young widow ! Address
her—she listens smilingly, replies frankly ; solicit her to waltz—her
negative or affirmative is so uttered as to convince you she fully
means Avhat she says, and that you need not bother yourself to ask
her twice. There is a cordiality in her manner which immediately
puts yrou on the footing of friendship, be you ever so great a stranger.
How courteously she would "rather not" accompany you alone to
the opera. But, on the other hand, how winningly she receives your
morning call ; with what charming self-possession does she prevent
all interruption by replying to the announced visitation of a Frank
Kennedy or a Simper that she is not at home. With what pleasing
promptitude does she put you out of your misery at that agony point,
the point of declaration! Unlike the simpering spinster, she does
not waver, or hover about the edge of your hopes to sharpen them
up—to nurture them till full-blown and then scatter them to the
winds. She hath no mama to consult—no time to take for consider-
ation ; her negative is irreprievable perdition, her affirmative means

marriage ; but if it have an alloy, it is her careful solicitude that all
the substantial happiness be settled on herself.

Going to the opposite extreme of old widows, we find they are
never courted unless by men in the last stage of destitution. If rich,
they are generally so pestered by their relations, that they are brought
into a state of unendurable disagreeableness, and suddenly get mar-
ried out of spite. Some will, however, stand a very tough courtship,
and I knew an old widow who was so long making up her mind, th.a<t

Vol. 3.

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