Punch or The London charivari (3.1842)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

209

PUNCH'S LETTERS TO HIS SON.

letter xvit.—on political flattery—the skull goblet.

the Shah called, in the irony of his heart, for the loving-eup. The

cup-bearer approached, and on bended knee presented the skull of

the Usbeck king ; the ambassador started at the indignity ; and felt

a nervous contraction of his fingers that suddenly seemed to hunger

for the handle of his scimetar. Another second, and he had certainly

, r , made a cut at the throat of the Shah, when his eye falling on the

One G-emelliCarreri, a travelled Italian, has preserved the following- . ... . , ' , ,» , 7, ,

" " , ., ' r j . j mi 1 « , , goblet-skull of his late revered monarch, he thought he saw the bony

story. Ponder on it, my son; tor, duly considered, twill be round to •, , , , , a , ,0 . c » _*

- - - - , » : J cavity, wherein was wont to roll and flash the burning eye of fiery

despotism, quickly and most significantly contract as with a wink,

and the jaw-bone slightly move, as much as to look and sa.y—"Don't

make a noodle of yourself." Happily, too, at the same moment, the

Usbeck ambassador felt the fleas of his native country close at his

bosom. The ambassador smiled.

"What think you of the goblet?" asked the Shah, with a very

ungentlemanly leer.

I think," said the ambassador, "my monarch was most happy,

m is

a

•enshrine the noblest worldly wisdom :—

You have doubtless heard of Shah-Abas, called the Great ? if not,
it is no matter. A good story is just as good, and what may seem
•strange to your unripe reflection, is just as true, whether the hero of it
ever lived or not ! To the philosophic mind, Tom Thumb is as real a
<thing as Alexander. The wise man is as well taught by a shadow,
as by Csesar at the head of his legions.—However, to get back to
Shah-Abas : He was a great man, for he killed a certain king of the

Usbecks: and having: killed him, did not ingloriously thrust all his I r""1' jtt1^ wc aiuiroww, lllu°' *■

.' , , P . , 1 1 11 ^ j most honoured, in falling- by the hands of a great king ; but uc

carcase into a hole, but preserved the royal skull from worms and , . u , ■ 1 • 1 • 1 n 4 t,

, , , ; ., ,Jf . , , still happier, stiu more honoured, m having his skull preserved by

darkness, and made it the companion of his carousals and bis merry reater > .

nights. Briefly, the great Shah-Abas had the king's skull set in gold, ^r^"'er,'. , r . TT , , a , ,

,. 6 . , => , ;p »| I he king was done: from that moment the usbeck fleas hopped

for a drinking cup. Well had it been for the world, had all kingly .,, , 0 „ , , . ,. . , a, , , , . . ff

c . , , rp, n\ u a' a . a -p ? "1 witliout any fiscal restriction into the oliah s dominions, and the blue-

skulls been ever as socially employed ! The Shah died ; and for what
we know, had a merry laugh in the shades with the king of the
Usbecks, when he met and told him of the late hours his skull still
kept on the earth, of the wine that sparkled in it, of the free talk that
passed about it, of the jokes that were cracked, of the songs that were

bottles of the Shall, without let or hindrance on the part of custom-
house mercenaries, sang their household music in the parlours of the
Usbecks, and in their hospitable larders made provisions for their
oviparous little ones.

rv. ,. m. au x,, j j l „ u t~ .1 it. 1 11 j 1 trust, mv son, vou can applv the moral of this veracious storv, if

chirruped! The Shah s descendant much treasured the skull; and ., , j , •, • \. L ,• • ■ • "A

, ,. r j , , , ,„ . , , i the ambassador nad given vent to his rising ignorance—it on the

feeling death to be the great teacher, never slept, without taking1. . j ,. , iT 6 , , ,, , , , , ,• b ,6, • ,r c ,

. 0 , • c 11 i - c xu„ it 1 1 Ti i j xt. i. j.-L introduction of the royal skull, he had delivered himseit of some red-

copious advice from the king of the Usbecks. It happened that the , , , . J , t,' .. „ , , . , , , , . , ,

r i hot sentence or two,—why, the anti-rlea-law bigots had triumphed.

Until this day, perhaps, fleas had been smuggled into the lands of the

Usbeck people sent an ambassador to the Shah's descendant, to permit
and ratify a treaty of commerce. In those days, commercial principles
were in the bud ; and therefore, the prejudice of the Usbecks is not
to be considered in the strong light of present wisdom. The Usbecks

Shah ; and blue-bottles, save as pets for the rich, been unknown in
the land of the Usbecks. But the ambassador rightly taking the wink
from the royal skull, the lowest subject of the Shah has the luxury
of fleas ; whilst fly-blow mutton—allowing he can get mutton at all-
is within the reach of the meanest Usbeck.

Here, my son, you perceive the beauty, the utility of political
flattery ! If Fortune, determining to show a great example to men,
resolve to make you a cabinet minister, engrave this story on your
heart. Never do any political act by direct straightforward means.
Always go round about your purpose. And for this reason, straight-
forward honesty is the last resource of a fool—mere honesty is the
white chicken's feather in the cap of the simpleton.

You were six years old when I took you to see my friend Mr, Polito'a
elephant, and gave you a halfpenny. With a nascent generosity,
which nearly brought tears to my paternal eyes, you flung down the
copper coin at the feet of the majestic animal. Remember you not
your first wonder, when the elephant took the halfpenny rip ? what
a curve he gave his trunk ! how many bendings and turnings he
employed ere he placed the halfpenny cake, purchased with Christian-
like sagacity of the tradesman near his den, in his capacious mouth ?
The same action employed by that elephant to pick up a halfpenny,
would be applied to the tearing up by the roots of the forest plane.
My son, the elephant is a practical politician : remember him, and
if you get exalted, do nothing great or small unless you do it with a
twist.

As the remainder of the sheet is not sufficient for us to discuss a
new subject, let me fill up the blank that remains with a few thoughts

prayed that they might be permitted to export their fleas free of duty on the drinking goblet of the Shah. In the memory of kings you

into the realm of the Shah ; offering as an equivalent, to admit the
Shah's blue-bottle flies on the same enlightened footing. The question
as you may conceive, was of great national importance : many of the
-oldest Usbecks declaring they were a lost folk from the moment they
admitted blue-bottles duty free : whilst some of the Shah's people
maintained the exclusive privilege of their fleas, as though they were
creatures of their own flesh ; and loudly clamoured for stringent
restrictions, for the sharpest scrutiny. Every Usbeck should be
searched to the skin, to prevent the smuggling of fleas : whilst the
Usbecks, firing at this, threatened to throw up a line of observatories
•on the frontiers to prevent the entry of a single blue-bottle into their
kingdom. The Shah's people were not behindhand : for albeit thev
had all along admitted the Usbecks' sheep, they prayed the Shah that
he would henceforth have every beast shaved bare as his hand, fleas
having been known—it had been proved upon committee—to be
■conveyed into the kingdom by means of the wool. The people also
called for an army of inspection on the annual flight of the swallows
from the Usbecks to the country of the Shah : they, too, had brought
fleas into the country, to the manifest injury of the home-breeder

must acknowledge, from what I have narrated, that the influence of
kings passes not from the earth with their death. Though they are
nothing, for good or ill, their skulls—so to speak—remain. What a
great lesson does Napoleon offer to those Frenchmen who every
morning wash themselves ! Understand me—

The French are, above all nations of the earth, a people of practical
wisdom—of practical morality. They make the glory of their great
men a household thing.

Napoleon is on his death-bed, his eagles flee upon their golden
wings to darkness—the trumpet wails in his ear—the last flutter of
his heart rises with the muttering drum—and " ttte d-armee," is his
death-sob. Napoleon is dead. A few minutes—the plaster is
poured above the face of imperial clay, and posterity is insured the
vera effigies of that thunderbolt of a man, just as the bolt was spent!

Now that face, in its dreadful calmness, is multiplied in silver—in
bronze—in marble ! iii richest metal and in purest stone. And now,
to teach a daily lesson to the common mind, that awful countenance,
with the weight of death upon it, is sold modelled in—soap !

Nay, have we not moral reflections brought to the very fingers'

Matters were at the height, when the Shah gave a handsome ends of the people ! As the mechanic cleanses his palms, and feels
banquet to the ambassador of the Usbecks. In the midst of the jollity,1 his emperor's nose wasting away in his fingers, he thinks of Marengo