Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39

PUNCH'S HEATHEN MYTHOLOGY.


CHAPTER III.—ALL ABOUT LOVE-
UPITER now having made
himself happy, next pro-
ceeded to provide for his
family. lie made his
hrother Neptune lord-lieu-
tenant of the sea, rice
Oceanus, turned out; and
Pluto, also, his father's son,
governor-general of the In-
fernal regions. His sister,
Ceres, he appointed lady
patroness of the agricul-
tural interest. These
arrangements, and some
others, having heen com-
pleted, it occurred to him
that his own hlessedness,
which had hitherto heen
single, might be advantage-
ously doubled. He had
another sister, Juno, or,
to speak more respectfully, Miss Juno, whose beauty was so striking,
that it would have knocked you down ; and for whom, considering
that her face was her fortune, he had made no special provision.
Of her he became passionately enamoured ; but her bosom was all
ice, and the difficulty was how was he to break it ?
When a man goes courting, he generally gets up an appearance.
He sometimes makes a buck of himself, occasionally a sheep, and
not unfrequently a goose. Our divinity changed himself into a
cuckoo. He then raised a storm, and took refuge from it, cold and
shivering, in Juno's bosom. Now, that locality being in a twofold
sense a region of snow, he must have got, conversely speaking, out
of the frying-pan into the fire But no matter. The case of Jupiter
was like that of the Russian, who ices to warm his frost-bitten nose.
And Juno's resembled that of the frozen liquid ; for she melted with
pity : from which, by an easy transition, she modulated into the
warmer sentiment. The marriage was celebrated, without delay,
with the most imposing pageantry and splendour, for which the
Olympic machinery afforded great facilities. Cards were issued to
all the gods, to mankind, and to the brutes ; which last, with the
exception of the Ass (who admired the parade) made fun of the
whole affair ; for which piece of impertinence they were condemned
to be sacrificed.
For a time Jupiter and Juno lived in the undisturbed enjoyment of

domestic bliss. An event, however, shortly occurred which proved,
subsequently, the source of various mutual disagreements ; rather
1unny, perhaps, but to the feeling heart very painful to think upon
The immortals, whose numbers Juno had considerably increased
were reclining one day upon their easy thrones, sipping nectar and
smoking cheroots. All were present except his Excellency the Lord
Lieutenant of the Sea, whose absence was rather wondered at, as he
seldom missed a court day, particularly when there was grog going
on. His Majesty, Jupiter, his arm encircling the waist of his Queen,
and his lips in approximation with her ear, was affectionately tempt-
ing her to drink a little more. « Come, girl," said the King of gods
and men ; " come, it will do you good. Hebe, pour out another glass

for your mama." "No, Jupiter, thank you, I had rather not,"
returned Juno. "Do, Judy," urged the Monarch. "Now, sir,"
replied the goddess, slapping his arm, " I won't have you call me
Judy." "Do what I tell you, then," said Jupiter, playfully pulling
her ear. She spoke not, but turned her large full eyes upon his.
Jupiter looked as if he were in Heaven ; where, in fact, he was.
Unable to contain himself, he uttered an inarticulate sound expres-
sive of delight, as Mr. Farren does in Sir Peter Teazle, and convul-
sively poked her with his forefinger in the waist. " Have done ! you
teaze," she cried, but evidently as pleased as Punch ; whereupon
Jupiter did what he was told not to do, again, and gave her a kiss
into the bargain.
This edifying scene of conjugal affection was suddenly interrupted
by a noise of conch-shells and boatswains' whistles below, followed
by a loud call of " House ahoy !" the vocalist evidently bawling
through his hands. " Here he is at last !" was the general cry, and
in another moment in staggered Neptune ; he was greeted with
deafening applause. "How are you, old boy ?" said Jupiter. "Pretty
well, thank you," answered Neptune? "How are you, governor!"
"Middling," responded the Sovereign. "But I say: who is that
beautiful Nymph that you have brought in your train ?"
" Aha !" cried Neptune, looking very sly with his forefinger applied
to the side of his nose, "what! you've caught sight of her already,have
you ? Shiver my timbers ! your Majesty has sharp eyes. Avast,
there, you Tritons ; stand aside, will you, you lubbers ! There. Did
you ever any of you see such a splendid little craft in all your born
days ! See how trim she is about the bows, and how natty about the
stern ; and there 's a figure-head for you ! Then only look at the
rigging. Ye ho ! there, lass, do you hear ? Come forward, Vent s."
With a smiling though downcast look, and face suffused with a
roseate blush, the Nymph, gracefully ambling, advanced. "See how
beautifully she steers," cried Neptune ; " watch the action of the
rudder!" She did, indeed, move on like a little duck, in her own
element. A murmur of admiration ran through Olympus. "I say,
Pluto," said Momus, jogging him and winking his eye—"eh ? I say—
eh ?" Pluty nodded approvingly. "Isn't she sweetly pretty !" asked
Ceres. " Oh, yes !" answered Hebe.
Having approached to the throne of Jupiter, the lovely stranger
assumed that elegant attitude which Phidias or Praxiteles, whoever
it was who made her Medicean effigy, lias rendered so deservedly
celebrated.
The monarch gazed upon the beautiful being with a mixture of
astonishment and delight. " And where," he asked, "young lady, did
you drop from ?"
"Nowhere, Sir," she answered in a gentle voice.
" Ye gods," cried Jupiter, appealing to the company, " what music !
Come, you little puss !" he continued, elevating her chin, " look up.
I say, master Neptune, what have you to say about this damsel I"
"Explain, Neptune,explain," resounded cm all hands.
" Mayhap," said Neptune, turn-
ing his quid, "his majesty there
knows as much about the matter
as I do. But that's neither here
nor there. All I have to say is
this : we were cruising off Cy- j
prus, when we ran alongside of
a sheet of foam, for all the world
like that kickshaw before Mars
there. I couldn't make out
what the deuce it was ; but
while I was looking at it, lo and
behold ye ! up comes a mist out
of it as high as the main-top ;
and out she steps of that, and
walks on deck. There, my yarn is spun. Hebe, old girl, hand us a
jorum of nectar, will you ?" So saying, he sat down.
All this while Jupiter was feasting his eyes on the charms of the
lovely wonder,—not exactly to the satisfaction of Juno, who was
beginning to look a little uncomfortable, which his Majesty observing,
discontinued his gaze. Then, turning to the Queen, he proposed to
her to adopt the fair Venus for a daughter, and to get her, if possible,
comfortably married. The latter part of the proposal allayed Juno's
suspicions ; she had not the slightest objection to it, she said, and
would behave to her as if she were her own child. So she beckoned
her to approach, and kissed her, and called her a dear, and told her
that for the future in addressing her, Juno, she was to say, Mama.
And then Jupiter informed her that she was to consider herself
thenceforth as the Goddess of Beauty.
Hereupon Venus, amid much applause, took her seat among the